A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,I'm in a LDR with my boyfriend of 4.5 months..at the place I work I have been friends with this guy..we have been given the same assignement so we work together!We go out for lunch together as a group but today everyone was busy so just the 2 of us went and my boyfriend thought It was wrong of me to go with just him alone and as a group its alright! On the way back I was craving for chocolates and I told him if he knows of a place we could quickly stop by and get them he asked me to wait in the car and got 3 chocolates for him like a huge bar I told this to my boyfriend and again he dint like it that I asked another man for chocolates!am I wrong here?please help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 September 2013):
 Clearly WiseOwlE does not approve of LDRs. I’ve done an LDR… and while they are a PITA they are often temporarily necessary and sometimes folks over react.
IF you were not LDR with this guy would he have been upset if you had lunch with this co-worker alone? That’s very key to me. Is he this jealous and insecure when you are together?
I’ve done LDRs. I have had lunch with male co-workers without other co-workers with us. It was just lunch. And yes I have had male co-workers bring me cookies or chocolate and it does not mean ANYTHING.
I think that you told your BF because it didn’t mean anything to you and it wouldn’t mean anything to me either…. My GF sometimes pays for lunch, it doesn’t mean we are dating it was just, that she invited me for lunch…. Or if I run into Starbucks after lunch and my male friend is waiting in the car for me (faster than both of us parking and walking) I may bring him a coffee and not expect repayment… does NOT mean I want anything from him or I owe him anything.
I don’t see where you asked another man for chocolates you asked if he knew a place to stop…. That’s WAY different. I think your LDR guy is insecure and is over reacting. When will the distance be over for you two?
BTW I ask men at work for DIAMONDS and PEARLS all the time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2013): I just don't think you would be writing a post about this situation if it was all that innocent. I think you are lonely and needed some companionship.
Reality is setting in about this relationship with a man who is miles away, and you need someone now.
If he knows the guy and he has a girlfriend, then what's the problem?
The problem is, you're sorry you tried to keep a relationship going with a guy that didn't start until he was moving away. You hardly know him and the convoluted relationship you're in, makes no freaking sense.
Now you're stuck with it. Set yourself free of this nonsense. You're lonely and you know it. You're looking for a guy to hangout with. The LDR is too much to deal with.
I rest my case.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 September 2013):
 So you have known him in person for how long? That wasn't made clear.
You were friends and then when it was time to move away for one of you, that's when the relationship started?
The interaction between you and the co-worker doesn't seem to indicate that you are having a wild and passionate affair.
In some cultures, women cannot go out in public without a male escort. In some cultures they can't go out in public without being covered head to toe and with a male relative.
So how well do you know this guy?
If he was the male co-worker if the roles were reversed, would you be okay with it? If took a female co-worker to lunch and then she wanted to buy chocolates?
What is the plan for your LDR? How long will you be LDR?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe were studying together for 5 years but dint really know each other cuz he had different classes its only the last few months that he was leaving the city did we date and we decided to be exclusive!
This co worker has a girlfriend and he knows I have a boyfriend(he knows this guy)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2013): You give no details how your LDR was created. I assume you met online? Live in different countries?
You are being quite inconsiderate of his feelings, if you were once a couple, and he had to move away. If that's the case; no, it's not okay.
Unless you were together as a couple before you were separated, LDR's don't merit the same commitment as a real relationship.
Others can argue that comment as much as they like. The facts speak for themselves.
Online-created LDR's are nothing but strenuous make-believe romances that people spend time trying to make work. Some do. Most don't.
People miss real company, while trying to maintain relationships over distance; without all the benefits real couples enjoy.
You have no clue what the other is doing at opposite ends. You give up closeness in exchange for social media connections. That's not a relationship. It's platonic with flirtatious over-tones. Sexting ain't "real sex." I love kissing and foreplay; then everything that comes next that requires flesh. That's just me.
If are already married; or used to spend time together as a couple, and one of you had to move away. Distance is an obstacle. That's different. Your partner deserves your commitment and loyalty. You do all you can to keep it together.
You are spending time with your colleague; because you're getting what you're missing from the make-believe LDR relationship that you're struggling to cling to. It's only cheating in a technical sense. You're spending time with one guy; while another thinks you're his girlfriend.
In any case; you breakup before you accept invitations for "chocolate" with other single guys. I'm a chocoholic. It's like good-sex. It releases endorphins that make you feel heavenly.
If you were in a committed relationship before he left, then you're cheating. It's psychologically abusive to leave the other wondering what's really going on. It's cruel. You're doing as you please, then telling him after the fact. Leaving him no choice but to shut-up and deal with it.
LDR's that are initiated online, maintained online, and you've never met; or only met only a few times, are no where near a commitment.
It's a social media connection. You're just romantic pen-pals.
If no one likes that statement, too bad. Prove me wrong. Show me solid evidence it's anywhere the same as two people who see each other in-person, whenever they like. They can actually touch and hold hands. You're not a virtual-image on the screen of a digital device.
Absolutely, No Comparison!!!
You may rationalize by saying it's just a co-worker; but you crave the intimacy and stimulation of a true and real relationship. So you're compensating by hanging out with a co-worker. Who just so happens to be male. Just the two of you. Having chocolate.
You should end the fantasy-relationship, and start dating locally. You deserve to be able to spend time with someone and enjoy face to face interaction. Appreciate real companionship, up-close and comfortable. A warm body next to your own.
There is no substitute for the real thing. No one will ever convince me, nor themselves. If you started out together as a couple, then circumstances or opportunities pulled you away from each other; you should try to keep it going.
If you're losing that battle, set that poor guy free.
If you met online and hardly do more than Skye, text, or e-mail. Let it die. It takes practice to keep your interpersonal and interactive skills effective and accessible.
You have to be socially adept to keep dating interesting, and to be attractive to other people. I can't stand watching people in res5taurants, nightclubs, or at
parties with their faces glued to the screen of a digital device; with a pissed-off date staring them down. Social morons.
Find yourself a nice young man to spend your time with. I think you may already have.
It's a lot easier to get over an online relationship with someone you barely know; then with someone with whom you've actually spent time in-person. Someone you've developed a true personal/in-person connection with.
No you're not wrong. You're coming to your senses. You neglected to end the LDR first.
If you and your LDR lover made vows of fidelity; you've already violated the agreement by accepting an invitation alone with another guy. So make it right.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (7 September 2013):
 To answer your question I need more information. Have you ever met your LDR boyfriend face to face, it has only been 4.5 months, or 18 weeks. That is a very short time.
I don't think it was 'wrong' for you to do as you normally would, have lunch with colleagues, or a colleague, if only one was available, and because we were not there we can't say if you treated this lunch differently because your workmate was male, not female. As for the chocolate, again, we were not there, you were, so you need to be honest with yourself, was it simply a kind gesture or was there more to it?
Your boyfriend may be feeling insecure, or he might be trying to control you from a distance.
If you have not met your boyfriend face to face I would suggest you not be bf/gf until you do, especially if you will not be meeting each other for some time yet. However, ig you have met him, and he is away for a specific purpose and for a pre determined period of time, and IF you want this relationship to continue it might be a good idea to ease his concerns by limiting your interaction with single men.
Good luck!
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