A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:ok. so here is another friday night poster. i dont know where to start and i apologise for the length of the post.im approaching 30 and still a virgin. never date, dont approach girls when im out etc. i do go out plenty but always seem to go to the same bars and end up getting trollied with 1 or 2 mates which im getting fed up of.the issues i have start from my low self esteem for my body. i had pectus excavatum growing up (dented chest - my sternum was pushed in towards my body http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1004953-overview). from the age of 17/18 - 22 i thought i was the only person in the world with this and didnt know a thing about it.I had this repaired 6 years ago when i was 23. i was also skinny growing up and have bouts of bad acne. Because of these things i have no experience on an emotional level with women and in todays day and age with people having sex with everyone i feel like a kid and have no input into conversations. i feel as though in a lot of areas as a person i would be a great guy for someone but on the other hand i feel that i have little to offer the modern female and i feel emotionally retarded!im a caring guy but not very good at the romantic stuff. my viriginity and lack of experience has taken away any confidence i may have had. i guess i thought things would sort themselves out and i would find someone. now all my mates are getting married, getting mortgages and having kids. ive been back living at home paying off debt from uni etcand have just got sorted. i need to save up for my own place cos im worried about renting again but at the same time i need to get out there. socially on a platonic level and at work im a pretty confident person. i just ignore the 'V' thing.At work i have been asked out a couple of times by 2 different girls and i completly rule it out. im not attracted to them and i feel like i have a big secret i cant let outas i'll end up in ridicule. if someone asks me out i really really panic. i have to do something about it. ive been thinking for a while about seeing a counsellor but im not surewhere to start and how to do this in the uk.any advice ladys and gents?thanks
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acne, at work, confidence, debt, living at home, self esteem, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, daddylonglegs +, writes (20 October 2010):
Hi there,
just a few words if they do help, go for the people that
suggest joining clubs or social groups that are not just
bars and clubs, and any girl that asked you out seems interested say "YES" it starts the wheel turning like a locomotive very slow at first,a speed which you will feel
comfortable with, but you are moving forward, the experience no matter how small will benefit you, and give you confidence, then like the train your confidence will build momentum, the more it gathers speed the faster it grows, it will not happen over night so patience but persistence is the key.
Always imagine someone somewhere will come along and "BINGO" you have happiness.
Hope this helps and good luck for the future
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone for feedback. much appreciated
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): Ok, first things first. Being a virgin, whether it should or not, gets to people's confidence. I'm a girl who lost her virginity at twenty, (I'm 28 now and married to the one I lost it to, he's been my only one)... and even a slight deviation from average age of losing it gets to people these days because our culture is overly sexualized in the media, etc. So my suggestion to you is to simply lose your virginity to a girl you don't care about and will never see again, simply for the sake of your own confidence. Just a suggestion, you don't have to take it.
Other than that, what I'd like to say is that there are some people in this world who are even older than you and are still virgins, by choice because they're waiting for their one. And also please remember that in Asia the average age of losing viriginity is in the early twenties... so a lot of the world is not as sexed up as western culture... if you go to a lot of the rest of the world you would not feel quite so different from others as you do here...
The other thing you need to do is to stop bashing on yourself, there is somebody out there for everyone. Even morbidly obese hideous people can find people to ****, and you're not even fat, according to what you said. It's all in your head, it's all due to the many years of low self esteem and low self confidence. And its all in your head. Learn to love yourself, and you will learn to allow others in your life to love you. Based on what you wrote, if I wasn't married, you sound like a decent enough guy to date, and that's what those two girls who were interested in you thought as well. So what in the world are you waiting for?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): Im surprised women havent chased you pal when they see u panic cause when ur forthright, they tend to back off. Ive felt the pressure long myself and im 25 and feel like a kid cause everyone is bangin everyone and blah blah blah. I grew up in the states and there if ur 16 and havent gotten laid ur considered a deviate to society. I kid u not. I dont live there anymore and thats parts of reason. I got counseling on this issue and it really really helped. Ive had my share of experiences with women both good and bad and in the end, im losing my virginity to two women in two weeks in a threesome. I know maybe outrageous right? Believe me it wasnt an easy decision. But logically its something I absolutely must do to get back on track with women and confidence. Listen, about the emotional bit. Women enjoy that connection, but it is overrated I feel. Its not as important as one thinks and in counseling I learned that and my counselor was a woman! Id totally recommend that to you...it is def worth a good penny for your own health. I wish you the best. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, JoshB667  +, writes (2 October 2010):
The virginity issue can easily be resolved with cash. Just pay to have sex with a girl. I know it may not be under the ideal circumstances but if you just want to get it over with then do it. You will then at least have lost it and started your 'experience'. This is the short term 'fix'. Having done that you can stop worrying about lack of experience and focus on putting yourself into situations where you can meet people, with more confidence.
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (2 October 2010):
 "i do go out plenty but always seem to go to the same bars..."Try a cafe, a bookstore, the workplace, a house party, the bus, church, grocery stores, and other places where women won't have their guard up, and where you won't be competing with a hundred other more experienced men."...in todays day and age with people having sex with everyone i feel like a kid..."Well, this attitude is the first thing to correct. Sex basically follows Pareto's Law. 20% of people are having 80% of the sex out there, so welcome to the majority! The attitude that everyone else is having sex is not quite correct; even if it were true, it would be counterproductive. Who cares how much sex they are having. What matters is *your* happiness."my viriginity and lack of experience has taken away any confidence i may have had."They have shaken your confidence, but nothing can take it away for good without your cooperation. The trick is to maintain an irrational belief in one's own infallibility while retaining the ability to learn from one's mistakes."socially on a platonic level and at work im a pretty confident person. i just ignore the 'V' thing."Good! Now apply that to romantic pursuits."At work i have been asked out a couple of times by 2 different girls and i completly rule it out. im not attracted to them..."?!?!?! No one said you have to sleep with them. The experience of going out, whether for a traditional dinner and movie or a more casual drink and dance, would have done you wonders. Track those girls down and ask them out, I don't care how undesirable they are. Consider the twenty bucks you spend on drinks to be money well-invested in your future."any advice ladys and gents?"If there's one thing you take away from this - if you ask out a girl and get shot down, nothing bad happens. Odds are it will be quick, clean, and decidedly not dramatic. Even in the 1/100 case where it's dramatic and humiliating, so what? You are bound to succeed sometime.If you never ask a girl out, and turn down any girl who asks you out, you will *never* succeed.Take the chances, dammit, even if they don't sound appealing, or you aren't in the mood, or you can think of a thousand reasons it will not work - $#%* that. Learn to accept, even love the fear of rejection; it's the first step to success.Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (2 October 2010):
 Pesonally I think bars and clubs are crappy places to meet partners. I'm a fan of joining some special interest groups, e.g book clubs, woodwork classes, pottery classes, cooking classes etc. Join something you are interested in and then you are guaranteed to meet people who share your interests. Also try Craigs list or some other dating site.
I understand how your sternum issues have affected your confidence but I'm telling you the right person will see past all that and straight into your heart.
Go forth be happy, be confident, girls love confident men. Good luck my friend you will get there. (By way counselling could be a very good option to help you see yourself as the perfect person you are. Go for it.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): I would say the next time girls ask you out, even if they are from work, even if you're not attracted to them, etc., just say yes! Going on one date does not make you a couple. Who knows- you may learn something new and have a great time. You don't know if you like or dislike something if you're waiting on the sidelines.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): First off, going to the bar is no way to meet a mate! Join some social clubs, chess or euchre, biking club, hiking, volunteer for cancer benefit...you get the picture. You will be around caring and giving people who are much less likely to judge you from the outside and when you find a mate, they will be of a much better caliber. Plus, if you join a biking or hiking club, you will be in better shape physically and get a better self esteem. Yes, by all means, see a counselor to help you gain a better understanding of what you are looking for, how to find them and how to overcome your personal issues. Good luck to you :)
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