A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I am hoping I can get some advice with a very troubling problem. I am in a relationship, I am 33 and boyfriend is 31. We were both late bloomers and I especially had/have problems with self-esteem. We have been together for 1 and a half years and do not live together. As a matter of fact, we only see each other 1-2 days a week as I work full-time and he is busy, as well. I am feeling the need to advance to that next stage and live with him, but my insecurities have a strangle hold on me. Sometimes I don't even want my boyfriend to see me at all. It's like experiencing cognitive dissonance. . . I want to be with him but feel this overpowering urge to protect myself against a possible disaster. I wish i could shake this feeling of not being good enough for anyone. I've been to countless counselors to no avail. I'd like to entertain the prospect of being happy and having a marriage and family, it won't happen given the way I feel right now. I am exhausted. Does anyone have any suggestions?! i would really appreciate it! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): I'll take this advice and "run" with it. Thanks for the sympathetic ear:)
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 i respect what you're saying but please just consider this: you say that BDD is a preoccupation with an imagined flaw, well like yourself, any true sufferer of BDD will tell you that their flaw is a real and not an imagined one. just a thought.
in Britain everyone gets pretty much all medical or psych help free of charge, courtesy of the state, but i understand you don't have this resource available to you in the U.s.
i think you should look at self help in this case then, read as much info as you can, the internet is a fabulous tool for this, and you may find forums so you can chat to people who feel the same and share tips on how to get through it. make it your goal to help yourself get through this. you at least have insight as to what your problems are, so you are part way there already!
Counsellors are not trained much to help you to overcome problems, they are to be regarded more as a friendly ear for people who don't have understanding friends or family to go to. i have been to various ones in the past and noticed that they just listen but don't really say much. i then did CBT though, (cognitive behavioural therapy) and i found this more useful. it teaches you little strategies to dispel negative thinking and once you have learned to do that, it is a skill you have got for the rest of your life. again, read up on the internet about this. i think it could help you
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): This is to angelDlite-YES, you are pretty intuitive. My couselors DID listen to me ramble. I think they felt sorry for me! About the body dysmorphic, my mother thinks I have it.. .I don't. What I understand about BDD is that it is a preoccupation with an "imagined" flaw. I feel mine is not imagined. But I do admit, any way you slice it that I have some major issues. I would like to explore many options, however, I live in rural Maine. . .I work full-time and do not have health insurance and do not qualify for assistance. I have inquired about groups and such and am always told that there are none that address my needs around here, I don't get it, you have AA, Overeaters Anonymous,Bereavement groups,etc; but you don't have groups for women who need to discuss insecurites and image issues?!I don't get it! Women are expected to be perfect Barbie-dolls and if we don't fit the mold in a specific way, we are less than, scorned,etc; I feel in this society women are given an ultimatim; be beautiful in every way or face rejection. I feel the double standards are staggering. I scares me quite frankly. Now, I am rambling again but I'm trying to sort through all of these crazy feelings and I'm hoping I can get the help that I need. thank you once again for your consideration.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (18 January 2011):
this is quite a common theme with cosmetic surgery isn't it. how many celebrities for instance do you see who were really beautiful enough to start with, but they have surgery, are still not satisfied, so have some more, and so on and so on. i think your issues are not really with your face to be honest. no cosmetic surgeon would turn down work just because someone's mum advised them not to. so if he said your face is fine, i would believe him, after all, if there is anything he knows about - its faces!
have you heard of body dysmorphic disorder? i don't know what the counsellors have done to help you, did they just listen to you ramble on about your problems or did they give you ANY useful input? either way, i suggest that you go back to your doctor and get them to refer you to someone else. think psychiatry may be more beneficial to you and make sure you discuss your father with them too. after a role model like him i am not surprised you find it hard to believe that things could ever work out with a man
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Hi-I'm the OP responding to the wise words shared here. To the first poster-you were on to something when you mentioned my parents marriage. They were both very young when they had me,he had a horrible temper,they divorced when I was five. I have witnessed my father physically abuse my stepmother. I also moved around a lot, didn't have many friends, was teased about my appearance. . you get the idea. This appearance issue is probably the largest obstacle in my way. It has been through my whole life. I even went to a consultation this past summer to get a professional opinion about this. He told me that I didn't "need" anything and he wouldn't perform sugery on an individual that didn't need it. Well, he told me I could do something minor to my nose but that I really didn't need it-did he say this because he knew ahead of time how sensitive I am about looks(my Mother called them and told them that I am "obsessed?". . .I certainly would like help if I need it. I'm sorry, I 'm going on and on. . .I'm just so tired of this. Thanks for your help, I really appeciate it!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (17 January 2011):
hi
if you are only seeing him 1- 2 times a week you are right in doubting whether living together could work. that is natural.
you say you have seen counsellor. did you address the low self esteem with them? did they get to the core of your self esteem issues or just diagnose 'poor self esteem'
if you break down the individual parts of the feeling 'not being good enough for anyone' it might make it easier to change the way you think about these items, think positively rather than focus on the negatives.
why do you expect 'possible disaster'? what was your parents marriage like? you know, with ANY relationship, there is no guarantee, but that just the way it is
xx
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 January 2011):
 your concerns may need more than just a counsellor. A psychologist may not be enough to address deep issues that are ruining your chance for future happiness. You do not need to be certifiably man to see a psychiatrist. All you need is a deeper wiser understanding of what is behind your responses. Mention to the Doctor that you need him to refer to an empathic good psychiatrist because you want to understand what are the underlying
issues that make you react the way you do. It may only take one or two visits, then you can work on a plan to overcome these debilitating issues that are sabotaging your ability to get the best
out out life.
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A
female
reader, wornoutmommy +, writes (17 January 2011):
 Everyone feels insecure at this junction in their life, wondering if the the risk of getting hurt is worth taking a relationship further. You're not alone here. There's only one thing (well two I suppose): jump right in and hope for the best- keep your head held high and discuss your feelings of insecurities. Chances are he feels the same way! Discussing this will probably only bring you two closer emotionally. Moving in with another person is not easy. There are fights and mean things are said, but you have to keep trucking forward. I would go for it, you only live once and like the saying: It's better to have loved and lost than to never love at all. :)
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