A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes: I have a boyfriend who has 2 sons ages 19 and 25. I have moved in to their home with my son age 25. As far as our living situation everything is working out just fine. I am having trouble accepting the fact that the ex-wife (Mother of the children) involves my boyfriend and his sons in her drama. She had left my boyfriend approx. 10 years ago for a man that she had met while they were married. They later married and had a daughter. After my boyfriends divorce she had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have had people in my life with this disorder as well and know some things about it. Her life seems to always be in a turmoil. She will call my boyfriend and their children on a regular basis with all of her problems. My boyfriend feels that for some reason it is his duty to empathies with her, or come to her assistance. He claims this is all for his sons. She has had problems with her current husband since the day that they married and runs to my boyfriend for empathy when ever they have problems. She has taken drastic measures 4 separate time by attempted suicides when she starts to feel that people are giving up on her. Now this is causing problems with us. As much as I try to not let it bother me, it still does. Be it my insecurities, or for what ever reason. I know that he truly loves me, and says that he would like to marry me, but I see it as not emotionally letting go of her. He seems to make exuces for her as well. Once again she is talking about leaving her husband and has nowhere to go. He has suggested to her that she move to his Mother's home which is 2 miles from us. I am scared to death as to how I will deal with this. I can foresee us having to get involved with her daily issues. Please tell me, is it me who needs to learn how to deal with it, or is it him not letting go?Thank You,Roseann
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female
reader, calmextrovert  +, writes (30 September 2010):
I believe it's a little of both...You need to learn to deal with it as she does have a mental issue and he needs to let go a little. I have the same issue as you do - my boyfriend's ex is bi-polar and threatens suicide on occation. I also have an ex that has responsibility and health issues. It is our responsibility to help our children with this as we are the adults. I have a 19 year old son and dealing with his dad is very stressful for him. He worries about him and to try to help lessen that worry I've promised I will help him handle his dad as best we can, but his dad is an adult and there is only so much you can do with a person who keeps making mistakes. Now that being said, I know your frustration in having your boyfriend constantly having to deal with his ex and seeing him make excuses for her behavior. The truth is, he probably knows her better than anyone and since they have children together he is tied to her for life -- love it or hate it. I think you should tell your boyfriend of your concerns but with a sympathic manner as he's likely to feel 'you just don't understand'. I do not believe it is wise for him to offer his mother's home to the ex. That's just asking for trouble -- Plus, his poor mother! Talk to him calmly about this and talk about the cons for him, his mother, the children and you.
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