A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I want to start by confessing I am an anxious person and unfortunately due to previous experiences struggle to trust.My boyfriend and I are having big problems in our relationship because of my insecurities but I don't know how to stop. The one thing causing a problem is that he works with a very attractive woman who he even described as very attractive. She's everything I'm not and it makes me so worried.She likes his things on social media and sometimes comments and I feel sick, even knowing she's working with him makes me so sad and anxious. He jokes about it and says how close they all are at work to annoy me but in truth he's completely fed up with my irrational thoughts.I don't know how to stop them and it's really getting me down. I hate the thought they he may be attracted to her or think she's better than me and I cry about this most days.Any advice or similar experiences?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2021): Ok sweetheart. I am not going to mince my words for you. This particular line from your post somehow stands out to me- "She's everything I'm not and it makes me so worried.". This, to me, sounds like you don't know where you stand with respect to your boyfriend and have literally no clue on what has made both of you get into a relationship, and what expectation do each of you have from the other. Else why would you say this? It also speaks volumes about you. Have you met the girl ? Interacted with her ? Know her actually ? I am getting an impression here that, you have heard from your boyfriend that she is attractive, and you are presuming her to be all that you are not in every other sphere in life- apart from looks. Forget your past, you have self-esteem issues and you are unable to cope up despite being in a relationship. See where is the problem here. There is a chance that the problem lies with your boyfriend, because he keeps mentioning this to you despite your baggage (if you confided to him about it). If he is saying things intentionally and gets you worried and then himself gets fed up about your reaction- he is not exactly mature boyfriend material. A mature boyfriend wont bring up the woman again in a conversation. On the other hand- you have enough issues that need sorting out before you get into another relationship. For starters, why are you bothered about his social media pages and looking for her comments ? My 10 cents no matter how secure and beautiful a relationship may be, boundaries and some independence both are necessary. Don't you have friends/ colleagues of your own ? Don't you hang out with them ? There's absolutely no need to be dependent on your partner alone for an active social life. Your emotional over dependence on this relationship is what is causing this anxiety. Focus on your career. Get some hobbies. Keep yourself mentally engaged. Have an active social life. Work on your trust issues. I would say, stay away from relationships for now. You can always come back to one when you are more prepared and empowered. You and your current boyfriend have enough growing up to do!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 April 2021):
 You do realize your boyfriend is not the one who hurt you in the past? Why are you holding him responsible for how others have treated you? Why are you even in a relationship if you cannot trust? Surely your first priority should be to heal from past hurts so that you don't bring baggage to a new relationship.
It's also handy to remember that being in a relationship does not make someone oblivious to other people. There will always be women your boyfriend finds attractive. That can't be helped. What matters is whether he chooses to do anything about this attraction. If he works in the sort of place where colleagues mix socially and are close, then he will naturally spend time with this woman. That does not mean he is being unfaithful or even wishing to be. He is not suddenly going to actively dislike every other woman he meets just because he is in a relationship.
You are anticipating the collapse of your relationship. The problem with this is that this will inevitably become a self fulfilling prophesy because, eventually, your boyfriend will grow weary of not being trusted and will end the relationship.
Have you considered therapy?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2021): Hi OP.I would like to share a different perspective on your problem.Let's take the focus off you and let's place it on him. I have some questions. Is he a consummate flirt? Is he always too friendly with women? Does he behave in any way whatsoever that makes you uncomfortable? Is he insecure or a people pleaser and needs validation from women to feel good about himself, and your validation is no longer enough? Does he pay attention to YOU? Make YOU feel special? Because sometimes it is not a problem within us, but our reaction to a problem outside of our control. We do not just wake up with ANXIETY or FEARS. These are all very natural human emotions. We ALL experience them at times, while for some of us they may be a constant companion. We don't wake up one day and tell ourselves we are anxious and for no reason. NOBODY want to feel anxious. It is a horrible feeling and it just spirals and takes a huge toll on your mental health and ultimately relationships. Anxiety is not there first. What is there first is a trigger, or something which is going on externally which we perceive as a clear and present danger. In actuality, there may be no clear and present danger. But we BELIEVE there is and therefore we react to that "perceived" (possibly not real) threat. That is the way humans are designed. To pick up on threats in their environment and then respond. So, we fight or we flee or we freeze. Fighting means confronting them, badgering, bullying, crying, belittling, monitoring, arguing, being needy etc. Fleeing means retreating, pulling away, becoming passive aggressive, withholding love and affection, including sexual, and slowly allowing your feelings of love to fade. These are all forms of self protection when a person is confronted with a trigger which causes anxiety. And they are ALL normal human responses. The problem is whether that PERCEIVED threat is a reality or the product of something else. How we react makes all the difference. To become emotional and overbearing accomplishes nothing in the end but to hurt your own mental health and for you to live in a state of constant torment. Not good for anyone. And as a result, your relationship with your boyfriend will suffer IF your worries are not based on any form of real threat. And if they are not real fears, but you continue to treat him as if he is a bad person looking to fuck his pretty co-worker, then you could most likely drive him away and push him CLOSER to her. Because he will feel you do not trust him and that relationship still being quite fantasy can have quite a pull on someone when things are not so peachy at home. When your relationship is in trouble, the next most convenient person on the radar suddenly becomes even more attractive. Men especially fall prey to this because they have some hero complex. They need to always feel appreciated and wanted. They are not overt about it or talk about their feelings like we women do but rest assured they need reassurance a lot.So, ask yourself what exactly is the trigger for your anxiety? I suspect his pretty co-worker is just a by product of a BIGGER problem in your relationship. Have there been other instances you have felt threatened or felt he was paying attention to someone else? Has he ever made you jealous before? Is he an emotionally distant guy who does not pay you the attention you need? So many questions to ask yourself. So, first, what kind of a guy is he? How long have you been together? Do you have plans with this man for a future, ie getting married or having children? Are you on the verge of a major commitment with him and now have to really confront whether he is the kind of a man you want to invest everything in? For some reason, you are feeling INSECURE in this relationship. And you need to find out why. Once you know why, you can then tackle the issues to fix them, both within yourself and then as a couple. Or you can come to terms with the fact maybe he was never the right guy for you and your anxiety is your intuition speaking, trying to tell you something. Like maybe to move on from him? Just want you to know you should NEVER feel ashamed for how you feel. You have a right to your feelings. It is always best to confront them so I applaud you. It takes strength to do that. There is a lot more we do not know as strangers looking in. You are both in this relationship. We will need more information. I hope you can come here and write a follow up. But either way, I do think you will benefit from seeing a therapist on your own first. You need to be whole first. And if you decide to continue with this relationship, then couple's counselling would be strongly advised or this circle of insecurity is going to continue until your relationship ends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2021): The problem is you read everything he says that he is trying to annoy you and therefore elevate your anxiety. If you ask him he answers honestly, now if you asked him and he got cagey and said "she's not that attractive" you would sense he is lying. Only you know if he is purposely trying to make you anxious, ask yourself is he just saying without you questioning she is attractive and they are all close at work or is he answering YOUR questions honestly because you are feeding your anxiety?
Until you learn to love yourself and look at ways to deal with your anxiety it will rear it's head, be it with him or someone else. The world is full of attractive people, she may well be attractive but there's always someone more attractive than her. Your feelings are fear of losing him so you look at how that might happen. He can reassure you and look at ways to make you feel more secure but the reality is that alone won't change how you feel about yourself.
I'm reading a book called "Attached" by DR Amir Levine, look it up, purchase it and gain more insight into who you are and why you feel how you do, just having the knowledge will help you, it's helping me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2021): What do you do for a living? Do you have a job or go to school?I feel like you have too much time on your hands.Be busy so you have less time to think about stuff.Do you have a life besides only being with this man?Do you go out with friends?Sometimes our gut tells us things that we do not want to listen to and holding it in will make that person a nervous wreak.Maybe you should talk to someone so you can workout your true feelings and worries.The more you push your own insecure on to him the more you will push him away...but maybe it is your gut saying look here. you must also decide do I trust him or not?Without trust you have nothing.Maybe you should take a break and just work on yourself?What do you think? Maybe trust your gut???
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (24 April 2021):
 I think that this a matter of you having to come to terms with your insecurities and start trusting you boyfriend. I think either start trusting him, or walk away from this relationship.
Trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together, if there is no trust then a relationship is doomed.
I think if you still carry insecurities from past relationship experiences then you was not ready to be entering in to a new one. I believe that new relationships should be started when we are 100% comfortable in our own skins, and free of the past, and be accepting of the fact that everyone is different and not a cheat.
Let say for arguments sake that he left that job, which in the short term will make you happy right?. Its highly likely that the next job he goes to there will be another attractive woman there as well, and off you go again, finding yourself in the same situation you are in now.
Worry, fear are crippling, and are really unhealthy emotions. They say with regards to attraction that what we fear comes to us the quickest. I believe that if you keep this up you will end up pushing him away and what you have been fearing will come to fruition.
I'm not saying split up with him, but i think you should maybe have a break and work on yourself, your insecurities, and start to love yourself again. I believe that the greatest love in the world is the love we have for ourselves. When we find love in ourselves that love emanates out in to the world and those closest to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2021): Fear is the anticipation of something dreadful happening. It's an emotion you feel, even when nothing has happened yet; and you have no proof it will ever happen. You're caught-up in a state of anxiety and worry; even when what you fear may never manifest itself into reality. That makes relationships miserable. It sucks all the joy out of being you. It diminishes the quality of life. You live life day by day.
Some people are overcome with anxiousness and dread; because they spend a great deal of their time worrying! Visualizing awful things, and living-out horrid scenarios in their imaginations! Generally, contriving catastrophes and doom all in their minds! They can only see the glass half empty, never half full. They seem to think life has it in for them; while everybody else is just living it up. They make excuses for it, and demand everyone to tiptoe around on eggshells; ever-mindful how it might trigger their anxiety. The truth is, no human being has inexhaustible patience. Do you?
Everyone will feel nervous, dreading something can go wrong, or we might get hurt. It's part of life's experience and in our nature. Not every waking moment!!! There comes a point in your life that you have to trust somebody; or they will not want to be with you. They will tire of reassuring you, and begging for your trust. Maybe you should not get yourself entangled in serious relationships; if you feel the minute an attractive-woman appears, you'll lose your boyfriend. Unless he does the hiring and firing; he has no idea who he's going to work with.
If he gets his kicks upsetting you and making you jealous; maybe he's a rotten choice of a boyfriend to begin with!!!
It is a sad and painful reality that people may disappoint and betray you; but you are just as capable of human-error, cheating, and mistakes as anybody else. He is taking as much risk on you, as are you on him!
You can't stop yourself from noticing a guy is handsome. Can you? Your boyfriend is not the only attractive-guy you've ever seen, or ever will see. You're comparing yourself to the woman; because you have such a low opinion of yourself. That envy and possessiveness is destroying your relationship. You are so "afraid" he's going to want her; and he never saw any beauty or attractiveness in you. Then explain how and why he made you his girlfriend? Why not some other female? Life has no guarantees. How will your relationship survive without trust?
You're in your 30's. You've had some bad experiences in your life; but how many things did you fear "will" happen, that actually did happen? How many relationships did you sabotage worrying he will cheat, find somebody else, or he noticed some other female was prettier than you? How long can you do this to yourself, and any man who happens to commit to be your boyfriend?
It doesn't help he's teasing you; but maybe he doesn't really understand how deeply this affects you. He can't relate to it, and he thinks the jealousy is cute or funny. Maybe he thinks he can cure you by forcing you to face it? In any case, it's unfounded fear. If he does like her more, it's because jealousy and your unmanaged insecurity is driving him away. Your fear and distrust will not let you rest; until you end the relationship by having no control over your insecurities. Unfounded-fear, a lack of faith in love, a deep hatred and distrust of men; and a very low opinion of yourself. That all just feeds into your misery. Even if he never told you about the woman, maybe you would have found something else to worry about. You are still carrying-over trauma and issues over past-relationships. Always waiting for what happened before to just happen again. You never let yourself just go with the flow. Deal with problems as they actually arise. You never get-over things, and you never just move on. One or a few bad incidents in the past, do not guarantee that is your future and destiny!!!
She's a threat, just because she's pretty? She has the power to arbitrarily take him, and anything she wants. Just like that?!! Totally erase you from his memory and from his heart?
Girlfriend, you can't insist on being in relationships; if this is how they'll all end-up!
It's expected that everyone is going to suggest that you get therapy and counseling. Many people with diagnosed anxiety-disorders come here to vent; and they're already in therapy. Their treatment seems ineffective for some; because pills and chit-chat with a therapist can't restore your faith in mankind, or make you love yourself. That's all self-motivated, homemade, and self-maintained. It requires you to control yourself. No matter how hard it is! Most people are just too lazy, and entitled; or refuse to own responsibility. They place it all on everybody else.
If you have conditioned yourself to submit to fear and insecurity, because you've had a few painful life-experiences. Bear this in-mind. Breakthrough only comes when you gain control of your own emotions. Pills can calm or numb you; but only you can change your thought-patterns, check your impulses, and live your life. Therapy can help you determine what triggers you; but it can't rework and correct your natural personality-flaws. That all comes from within. It's finding a place of functionality and self-confidence. That's the primary goal of therapists and doctors. That's where they try to guide you. They can treat you with medicine, and talk until the cows come home; but breakthrough only comes when YOU believe you can overcome your fears and anxieties. Emotional healing happens when you let go of the past and move on.
You'll lose enough boyfriends; until you'll realize you can't control what his eyes see, or what his mind thinks. You can only inspire his love; and build his loyalties by showing trust, being strong, loving yourself, and having faith that love is real...and you're worthy of it!
Yes, he may be attracted to her; and he could even leave you for her. Those are the ugly realities of life. You can't live in a constant state of fear of "what might happen, or what could happen!" You can't tell the future; but you can sabotage your relationships with self-fulfilling prophecy. You'll drive yourself crazy with worry; then you'll drive him away! Trying to manipulate his feelings, read his thoughts, and predict his actions. You can't do that; so you'll become overwhelmed with frustration and emotionally distraught.
If you're seeing a doctor, you should make an appointment; and inform your therapist, if you're feeling unusually anxious, or if you've been off your prescribed anxiety medications. You have to believe you are worthy of love, and that you're not worthless and ugly around better-looking women. That isn't so! She could be mean, psychotic, conceited, and nasty; and her looks alone don't mean she's everything he could ever want. He may not even be her type, and she could find him nowhere near the kind of man she wants in her life. She may even respect the fact he has a girlfriend.
Fact is, girlfriend; not everybody wants your man! He may not be so hot, he can get anyone he wants! Don't place him up on a pedestal or worship him like a demigod. He's replaceable if you lose him.
I know women want to believe men are completely driven by sex; and we have no heart and no feelings. That's how hateful sexist mean-spirited women like to characterize manhood. Point one finger, three point back! Women have faults and weaknesses too!
Men get hurt, disappointed, rejected, and cheated-on too! Women aren't all angels and victims, my dear! They stray and forget who they're committed to also!
You don't mention how long you've been together. I would venture to speculate that it hasn't been long. If you can't control yourself, you'll never have a day of peace; because he will always work with other females. He has eyes, and he can see attractive-women everywhere around him. He can't leave the house, or throw a rock, and he won't hit another pretty lady! They are everywhere! Take an extra-strength, chill-pill, my dear! Can he steal the heart, mind, and body of any woman he sees?
Stop and wonder what it was that attracted him to YOU? If he's so mindlessly drawn to pretty-women, why's he wasting his time with an insecure-woman? What made him go so far as to woo you, and to make you his girlfriend? Maybe he could have just gone for someone prettier. There's always someone prettier or more handsome. You cannot fall in-love or have sex with everyone of them you see!
Sometimes fear and jealousy makes us crazy and irrational. Therapists can't cure that. That is something in our nature we have to learn to control within ourselves. If you want to keep him, you have to realize you are with him, because he wants you there; and if he stops wanting you, he's just as replaceable as you are.
You cannot control, predict, or read the thoughts and feelings of other people; in order to soothe your lack of control over your insecurities. Otherwise, you should not commit yourself into romantic-relationships; when all they'll do is drive you nuts and make you sick! The end result being, you'll drive them away anyhow!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 April 2021):
 The only one who can control what you do, IS you. So either get a grip or walk away.
It's not fair to yourself OR your BF that you CRY over a woman who has done NOTHING to you.
There will ALWAYS be a woman out there who is prettier than you, smarter than you, funnier than you, sexier than you, better educated than you, etc., etc.
While it's annoying that your BF thought it was "funny" to say she was attractive, you are OLD enough to understand that there are attractive people out there and your BF (and yourself) are bound to meet them.
I don't blame him for being fed up having to deal with your insecurities. It's NOT fair of you to make him "carry the garbage and luggage" of something another man did to you IN the past, that made you less trusting or more secure.
Quite frankly, I'd walk away if my partner were crying because I worked with a hot dude that I have NO intentions of EVER getting involved with.
Look up some self-help to learn to rein in the crazies. Like put on an elastic band and SNAP yourself EVERY time you think about them in a romantic way. And then TELL yourself to stop.
YOU will be the one to ruin this relationship. ALL by yourself all because you can't deal with him working with a woman who is attractive?
Doesn't that sound utterly silly?
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