| A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: My girlfriend recently opened up that she has trust issues and that she hacked into my instagram just to spy on me. She felt so because I have more female friends compared to men, but the thing is this has been the case with me since childhood. She knows me for over a year and half now and I feel guilty that I have female friends. These days, everytime we fight or she is being rude, I feel lonely. It takes a toll on my work as well as health. She gets upset about small things and I try to understand her and try to convince her that thinking about unnecessary things will do no good. In return, I get rude answers and I feel alone. We don't live together and live in relationship is not an option. I still can't get over the fact that she hacked into my social media and that she has trust issues. Please give me a honest answer as to what should I do right now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2018): Ask yourself this question. Be brutally honest. How would you like it if your girlfriend has mostly MEN on her social media accounts? And chatted to them? Would this make you feel uneasy? Jealous? Most guys would lie and say no because they pretend to be "the man". Well, a real man has feelings, admits his vulnerabilities, fears and worries. Your gf is scared of losing you. She must love you that much. Question is, are you WORTH IT?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2018): Sorry OP, but you're here crying poor little victim. That's bullshit. If your GF was already insecure, then you're making it worse with all your female friends! If she wasn't insecure before, then you've made her that way. By having so many female friends. Let me enlighten you. We females don't take lightly to our BF having his own candy store with endless flavours to choose from!!! So delete them, better yet close your account!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2018): I agree with annon on this. A lot of people look at it. Once you reach a 1 to 4 ratio of who's done what and who hasn't, I'd think it's rather typical. And being insecure is part of being human. I do think there is a difference between looking thru it and hacking it, but snooping is actually quite common. Must partners don't get that upset unless they were caught hiding something. There is no list for how trust us supposed to be earned. Years of shattered trust isn't going to go away because your new guy deserves an unconditioned product. I've personally had many poor exes in my life and i feel being more cautious is not only a means to save myself time, but common sense in some ways. I won't date a guy who locks his phone from me. Single habits should go away after you start being with someone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2018): Oh dear female anon, your advice is shocking. He IS a young lad, not older or married, people his age DO have friends of both sexes.
Yes jealousy to a certain extent is natural and I don't envy the younger generation because social media can cause problems. But she had NO RIGHT to hack his account and go into his stuff.
To the poster, I doubt she will learn from this or change her ways because if you stay with her chances are she will do something else, she has trust issues and they are just not going to go away. She is beating you down with her behaviour not only doing that but how she treats you.
You are too young to be tied down and you have no reason to stick with her, sorry but my feeling is she will just get worse not better. If you was a female writing in you can bet your bottom dollar we would all be advising you to end it with her and that stands with you being a male.
You will look back and see her for what she is once you split up and you will become stronger, this is a learning curve. Your relationship is not based on the qualities to last, trust, respect and love, you know this really.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 November 2018):
 Sorry, anon female I absolutely disagree.
It might be because I'm from a different generation but I can't see it's EVER OK to HACK your partners account to see if they are talking with someone. she didn't just "look" at his Instagram account.
She probably also KNEW that he had female friends on Instagram BEFORE she started dating him. So if that is a "no-no" then she shouldn't have started dating him.
Some people expect their partner to give up their privacy, they friends (of which THEY don't approve, even in some cases give up a job they don't find appropriate for THEIR partner. They basically WANT the other person to BE someone else. And it's UNREALISTIC.
Trying to "normalize" having trust issues or bad behavior (like hacking into a partner's account) by saying "everyone" does it, is morally and personally bankrupt.
Sure, you can't trust a new person 100% from the first moment you lay eyes on them, trust is BUILD and trust is EARNED. But CERTAINLY not by hacking or accusing your partner of doing things when you aren't looking. you CAN NOT have a healthy relationship without having and building trust. Just because some yahoo you dated before your current guy did something to smash your trust in him doesn't GIVE you the "right" to refuse to build trust with the next person you meet. It's PART of building a relationship. A HEALTHY.
(and when I write you, I mean a "general you", not you anon specifically).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2018): I'd honestly say it is completely normal to check up/snoop on your bf/gfs social media and/or text messages perhaps once or twice in the relationship as it develops. Everyone I know well has admitted to some degree of snooping during the first year of dating. I suppose it is a way of ensuring that the person is being honest and faithful, and establishing it through a non-biased third party (i.e. directly checking social media). Everyone has some degree of trust issues- and so they should. About half of marriages end up in divorce because humans are inherently not trustworthy even with the best of intentions. Now, if this was her checking your texts and social media every week that is a different story and a significant trust issue. I will now come to the subject of female friends. Is it fine to have friends of both genders? Yes, to some extent. SOME extent being the key word. Hanging out on weekends and/or alone kind of female friends? No, not in my books. For many people that is not okay when you are in a serious, attached relationships. Look at most happy marriages. Does the father go out alone with female friends on the weekend? No. That is usually something that college kids do before they are truly committed to someone. Once people really pair off and get serious- yes they talk to the opposite sex at work or work parties, or during sporting events for the kids, etc. but no they do not have friendships in the same way with the opposite sex. All the "liberated" people here can tell you differently but I guarantee you that most successful marriages are not made from the wife and hubby going out alone with someone of the opposite gender. It is a recipe for jealousy and disaster. Instagram is an image focused platform, unlike facebook which has more to it than that. Having so many females on instagram means looking at their photos - and instagram is notorious for women (and some men) using it to post sexy shots to wrack up likes. As to why you would have so many women on a platform that is soley about image rather than content or chatting, would raise alarm bells in my mind as well. No wonder your girlfriend is curious as to why you bother with instagram.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2018):
I'm absolutely with N91,
I'd end it. It's just too much. YOU should NOT feel guilty for having friends, be they male or female because SHE is insecure.
And HER insecurities you CAN NOT fix.
She has NO right to hack your social media. If she felt it would have given her peace of mind to see what you did on there she could have ASKED you for access. And then you could have CHOSEN to either give her access or not. She isn't OWED access to your social media just because you are dating.
ONLY you can decide if THIS is how you want your relationship to be or not.
If you don't, then end it, because you CAN NOT convince her that you aren't doing bad stuff, no matter the ACCESS you GIVE her or how much you try and convince her you aren't being bad.
This is no way to have a healthy relationship. Her actions are toxic.
SHE need to FIX her issues. You CAN NOT do that FOR her.
And it will only escalate.
I hope you have changed all passwords for ALL your online stuff.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2018): People with trust-issues are not your problem to fix. It's theirs! They need to get a grip!
Lets be fair, and look at it from both-sides. She's not here to defend herself.
Insecurities kill relationships. Everyone has some kind of insecurity. It's human and normal. If your insecurities can't be managed, or they're out of control; you have no business in a relationship. I'm not going to beat around the bush about it. It's a red-flag, and should be a deal-breaker! You should have some modicum of trust after a year of proving your trustworthiness. Provided you don't put a strain on trust, or push the envelope! If every chick in town waves at you, while you're with your woman; how is she supposed to trust you?
If it's really hard to trust anyone, you must get professional-help first; then when you feel up to it, try to have a healthy relationship. People who constantly blame you; because of what others did to them, will only make your life miserable. They haven't recovered from their trauma. That's not your fault. If you choose to overlook it, don't complain. You know what your options are.
Trust is something you exchange; not just expect the other person to just deal with the fact you don't trust them. That's arrogant and selfish. Insulting!!! You're supposed to outgrow and overcome most of your insecurities; so you can enjoy being in-love. It has to be good for both people.
If you're only a taker and not a giver; you are a self-centered pathetic person. You'll drive good people away!
You'll constantly sabotage all your relationships.
If someone doesn't trust you, they don't really love you either. They need someone to satisfy their need to be clingy and to feed their dependency on others to make them feel safe and wanted. They take, but give little in return. Their insecurities drive you crazy; and you never feel the comfort of being trusted, or loved in return. You deserve it back, if you can give it!
By the same token. If you commit yourself, decide whether you want a relationship; or to be popular with women. You don't deserve it both-ways; unless she gets to be popular with men. While you're a stud, but she's a slut! Not fair!
Maybe it is time to start seeing other girls. It isn't fair to just assume you have something to hide; if you don't like people spying on you. It's creepy! If you have 500 females as friends on Facebook, and they're all fawning over your every fart; expect your girlfriend not to trust you! If she's smart, she shouldn't! She expects to be #1! With no competition!
If you're running your own sorority; and you need women to stroke your inflated-ego...or whatever! You cause your own problems. Your female-friends shouldn't out-number your male buddies. If you stay in-touch with all your exes; and can't control how much you need to constantly feed them with your attention, you don't deserve a girlfriend.
What female with half a brain would trust a guy like that? Nonetheless, she shouldn't spy! She should dump you the minute she discovers you have a harem/fan-club of lady-friends. That's the sign of a womanizer or player!
Sane and reasonable people don't make the people they love feel distrusted or violated. Everyone has a right to privacy. If you're a player, you won't be able to hide it; because you'll be discovered without being spied on. You can't keep that genie in a bottle!
You'll get sloppy, the women will purposely attack your relationship; and your karma catches up with you. You'll upset or scorn one girl, and it'll cause a domino-effect! She will alert or contact every other person you're dogging. Women aren't stupid, and eventually figure-out if they're being played. They'll form a network of haters, and castrate you. They'll gather like a mob at a public-lynching!
That's a lot worse than losing her trust! When it finally gets back to your girlfriend, she'll smash your balls! Her friends are also on the lookout, and sound the "cheating-boyfriend" alarm. They'll catch you on social media first; from a friend, of a friend, of a friend. Then tell her!
If you need too many "lady-friends;" don't expect too much trust.
That's sometimes a red-flag that shouldn't go unnoticed by smart women! It means a guy likes too much female-attention, and has an ego problem. He places too much temptation in his own way. Eventually he WILL cheat; because he's a kid in a candy shop! There's always that one cunning and manipulative-female who knows how to breakdown your defenses. She will also expose you; if she knows you have a girlfriend. Just for fun! One for their team!
You have to limit your number of lady-friends; if you want a girlfriend. Just as you'd expect her not to have a gang of fellas circling over your relationship like vultures. Constantly contacting her, telling her how pretty she is, and "liking" every-time she bats an eyelash on social media!
Be focused on how she treats you now. Not what she did a year ago. Your relationship was a lot younger then, than it is now. If nothing has changed, then maybe it's time to reconsider if it's working-out.
If you fight a lot, it's not working-out. It's coming apart. You've reached the expiration-date!
If you have a constantly growing number of women as friends and contacts on social media; it's no wonder she can't trust you!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (20 November 2018):
 If this was a year ago and she apologised, never doing it again, I’d forgive her. Doing it recently and having such an attitude about it all? She needs help with that and it probably won’t work well if you stay with her.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (20 November 2018):
 She has got to get over these trust issues, you can't go on like this, espessially with you work and your health being affected.
One of the most important thing in a relationship, the thing that binds a couple together is trust. If there is no trust in a relationship its like building a house without digging the foundations, sooner or later its going to fall down.
You have given her absolutely no reason for her not to trust you, and you have done nothing wrong, and you should certainly not feel guilty for having female friends.
She has got issues that are seriously affecting you. My advice would be to walk away from this relationship, and find someone who trusts you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2018): I'm prob one of the few that will say it's not that serious unless you're hiding something. Honestly i think it's a cultural difference that some people feel a strong right to privacy on social media, whereas others can careless, and also that some partners are skeptic about opposite gender friends, though past experiences can also be the blame. Hacking is uncalled for, but honestly after a year and a half, is it more important to have privacy on instagram or to give her a piece of mind? Ask her if she's going to trust you now that she's taken such measures. Otherwise she's fishing for something to get mad about imo. A lot of people on here will tell you to throw in the towel for every little thing, but i think you should focus on solutions.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 November 2018):
 Say goodbye.
She needs to get help for her insecurities. She can’t take it out on you because she can’t control her feelings. You told us it’s affecting your health and work, that is a sure fire signal that this relationship has run it’s course.
Set her free and find someone who trusts you.
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