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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi aunties.. firstly thank you for supporting me in this very tricky time in my life. I feel very alone at the moment and am struggling to make sense of everything going on.. so here goes...I was dating a lovely man for around 3 years before he popped the question to which I said yes instantly. We had a very passionate, loving relationship where we were physically and mentally happy. Traditionally, after the marriage it is intended that the girl moves into the husbands family home to which I did... That was when the problems began.. we were restricted to going out and returning by curfew, it was expected that I did all the cooking and cleaning (which I didn't mind) and it was frowned upon when I went to my family home for dinner/ out with friends. At first, my husband didn't say much and explained it was OK and that he didn't have a problem however after around 4 months he started arguing with me and saying things out of character- e.g. why are you always going to your mums house- my mum needs help in the house/ you don't do your share of the house work/ we live under my parents house etc... I used to stay up all night worrying what I had done wrong in wanting to see my mum/ going out with friends esp as it was OK for him to be out with his work friends til late.it played on my mind a lot knowing he was never like this and didn't have such backward thoughts- that's when light was shone on the situation- I overhead his mum saying to him "don't let her get away with this going to her mums house business- she always puts them above you and this family- my hand is hurting and im old and instead of helping in the house- she is out with friends. I was so hurt that his mum could be this vile and brainwash him this way- I didn't say anything at the time but I did say "just because I don't say anything doesn't mean I don't know anything..." from that day I began to feel like more and more had been said about me and that the words my husband would say- weren't his words nor his thoughts... it became very unbearable for us and we began to argue over these things a lot and I would also start voicing my opinions a lot more. after a year I explained to my husband that its about time we spread our wings and buy our place in prep to start a family. we bought our own place- on the condition we were around a 3 mile radius to his parent. I agreed as at the time I thought this would be the only way we could our lives in a way that suits our modern outlook on life. we moved out and things were great for the first 6 months- we went away on long breaks did and brought the love back into the house- the love we once thought we had lost. However his parents began interfering again- they made remarks like "that's enough with the holidays now- you have been on so many" and "why are you going to your mum's house on a weekday" and " you have to put this family first and attend all our functions above your own" suddenly once again my in laws words were coming out of my husbands mouth. It has gotten so bad now that my husband and I no longer have those deep connections were once shared- a couple of months ago I said to him we should see a therapists if you want our marriage to work and I explained I feel like your parents are meddling in our lives- he didn't like that and since then we have spoken a single word. Its been 3 months now and we haven't shared a single word (other than routine clauses such as what do you want for dinner/ we need to go shopping).The other once again his dad rang me and began asking me questions as to why I am going to my sisters house for dinner and what the need was when they are around the corner and I never see them- I had gotten so upset that I said my husband and I are having lots of problems because of the meddling of you guys and I need to figure out what the next step for us is.I have come to a point where I have tolerated so much abuse from his family and him that I can no longer continue to keep giving. I explained to him the other day I need some thinking time and that I am going to stay at my mums for some space. He hasn't contacted me nor have I. I really want to walk away as I don't believe his family will ever truly let him go and not interfere in our lives- nor do I believe my husband will ever stand up and tell them to butt out and explain that if I want to see my parents I have every right to.But I am truly scared that if I walk- what would happen next.. I want to walk but I love him dearly and deep down I know he loves me too and knows they are wrong for doing what they do. But he simply cant stand up to them.Please help me and guide in doing the right thing for my marriage.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2020): thank you for your advice. I have asked for some space from him and have been staying with my sisters for the last week- he has not contacted me once and similarly I have not contacted him.
I want to try and resolve things and speak to him but I also want him to realise that I'm no longer "the boy who cried wolf"
do I show message him and ask him for a chat or do I simply wait for him to chase me and stay at sisters til he does
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2020): Giving-up on your marriage should be a last-resort; especially when the troubles you have come from outside-influences like toxic in-laws. I think your marriage has been stressed to the point of no-return, if they've driven you away.
I'm sorry to say, but your husband is almost insanely-devoted to his parents. He hasn't mentally-matured beyond their control. There are customs in many cultural-traditions for the husband to honor his parents almost above his wife; so if that is the case, good-luck trying to get him into any kind of marriage-counseling. They will do everything they can to keep him from going; because they don't want anybody that could weaken or dilute their psychological-control over their son. If what they have is an all-around healthy family-relationship; there should be no concerns about you maintaining your own family-connections. That craziness makes absolutely no sense! It seems apparent that they'll force him to choose between them and you. I think he has made that choice. They always seem to win.
AuntieBimBim's suggestion to have a private-discussion with your own husband, is a wonderful idea; but there seems to be no room for any kind of compromise, when it comes to his parents. It's their way or the highway! He seems somewhat weak-minded and baby-manish where they're concerned.
You're somewhat in-denial. You need to look at the broader-picture here. I also think he has his own personal-issues about you going anywhere on your own, or having any influences outside of his reach. That's where I see a very serious problem. You have to wonder why you can't even see, or spend time with your own family. That's where you're forced to choose...and it's totally lopsided. They'll punish you, and become a wedge by poisoning his mind. He will go to any length to force your obedience; which requires you to be isolated from your own family. Detached from any and all outside-support, and they're calling all the shots! They, being he and his parents!
If your husband won't compromise; then you have to stop blaming it all on his parents. He's a grown-man, and he doesn't have to follow everything they tell him to do. If they've never really liked you, and have only pretended they do up to now; then their objective is to drive the two of you apart. If your husband refuses to see that, and still refuses any compromise, you have little choice but to give-up. You don't have a strong enough influence over him to keep his parents out of your marriage; and they are always on the sidelines, and lurking in the shadows. Slowly, but surely, eroding and dismantling your marriage.
Your stupid-husband doesn't love you enough to protect you; nor can he see how toxic his parents are to his marriage. You shouldn't have to be breaking your back to convince him of that!
You were fine as his girlfriend, but my belief is that they never wanted him to marry you. Living in your own home, broke their puppet-strings; and you've become more independent, which your husband himself has a problem with. He's torn, when he shouldn't be; and you shouldn't have to compete for your own husband's love and support versus his devotion to his parents.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (19 February 2020):
 Contact him and ask him to meet you somewhere for a coffee. Suggest couples counselling again, put it to him that you love him dearly and your hope is that by attending counselling you both will be given strategies to help you navigate the problems so that everybody is in a win win situation.
If he wont attend then please consider going by yourself for a few months before making any drastic decisions.
I hope the two of you can work this out between you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2020): Tell them all to either respect your human rights or xxxx off.
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