A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have never been so tormented. I am in love with two people. I have been with my boyfriend for 12 years but I got to know someone else. It started as friendship but somehow we have developed feelings for each other. I now have no idea what to do. I didn't mean for this to happen. I don't even know if it's worth me writing the pros and cons of each relationship because what's the point? It's happened. I live with my boyfriend and I do love him but I adore this other guy. I think about him all the time and just want to spend time with him. How do we ever know what to do for the best? I know my boyfriend loves me to bits and I am terrified of hurting him. I am just in limbo at the moment and don't know which was to turnThanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2020): This happened to me too. I also empathise with you, because it's not something I wanted to have happen either. I did end up leaving the man I was with, who I was happily set to marry, because thoughts of the other man consumed me. It is a horrible situation to be in, because whichever way you choose, you're going to lose someone and hurt someone who means a lot to you. Human emotions are complex and until someone has experienced this, it's difficult to understand how awful this situation feels. I loved both men at the same time and yes it most certainly is possible. In my case, the two men knew about the other and they both waited for me to make a choice. Something that YOU know is an incredibly difficult thing to do. Choosing between the two people that you have the strongest feelings toward, out of everyone you know, is not a situation to be coveted. I went with the man who I couldn't stop thinking about. We were together for five years, but he wasn't good news. He was abusive. The man I left became intent on killing himself and I stayed with him for nine months more, while 'babysitting' him, until he got stronger. Which he did. Our doctor called every week and saw us both regularly because she knew what stress this was. It was the most awful traumatic time of ALL of our lives. The man I ended up with, waited all this time. He knew what we were both going through and he waited. I'm single now and happily so. The man I was going to marry tried internet dating with no success I believe, he got over me though and the whole horrible scenario eventually. I would love to know how he's doing, but obviously I've lost the right to contact him or to be friends with one of the best blokes I've ever met. I feel a lot of guilt too, over what I put him through, but I had tried to stay and 'do the right thing', something which made matters worse in the end.I hope you come to the right decision for you. No-one can really help you with the choice. For me, it all came down to personality I think. Mine, I mean. I tend to go where the excitement is, rather than security. I love change and flying by the seat of my pants. I was very financially secure with man number one. And for me, that becomes too boring. I don't like to be sorted, I like to have to work out ways to survive on my own. I have two businesses that I own and I'm writing a book. No room for relationships now. I hope you have people around you who support you. The other answers on here make sense, on paper. But real life is different. And personally I don't think it IS a good idea to stay with someone when your thoughts and feelings have become directed elsewhere. It's not fair on the man you're with at the moment. I know I wouldn't like it if I was with someone who couldn't stop thinking about someone else. I would want to leave that person and find someone who does love me. So I don't agree with all that 'you made a commitment so see it through' approach. That does no-one any favours. I wouldn't want someone to be with me because they said they would! Things change.I doubt I've helped but I wanted to be in your corner on here, because it is a truly frightful situation to be in. Good luck with your decision. I had counselling for the first time in my life to try and help me come to a decision. It did help. Maybe try that?
A
male
reader, Gmelin8  +, writes (20 February 2020):
Ask you boyfriend if he would be willing to share you with another guy. Maybe this would open a dialog that could solve the problem.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2020): Another one of those male female platonic friendships everyone is telling are all the rage today.
Break up with your boyfriend as quickly and gently as possible. That way he can begin to heal and move on with his life and possibly find a woman who loves him.
It’s clear you love this other guy and are only staying with BF because you don’t want to hurt him. He’s not a a china doll. Yeah he’ll be hurt but he’ll recover. This relationship has run it’s course as far as you’re concerned. Time to move on from it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2020): You're not in-love with two men at the same-time. That's bull-manure and romance-novel nonsense!
You're cheating on them both; while pacifying your narcissism and over-developed sense of entitlement. With men, it's an ego-trip when we're stringing two or more people along; pretending we can't make a choice. The truth is, anybody who can't make a choice is just greedy and self-centered.
Me,me,me...what I want, it's all about me, myself, and I!
What about their feelings? News flash, what you're doing is called cheating!
Oh please, give me a break! Greediness and covetousness are powerful built-in human-emotions that takes a great deal of self-discipline and impulse-control to keep in-check. If we given-in, we'll become a slave to our whims! We'll hurt the people who are committed and care deeply for us. We'll gamble with the trust and affections of people who love us; while making excuses for why we're CHEATING ON THEM!
My dear, you're cheating on your boyfriend. That's all it is. I can't say I blame you. Who wants to be somebody's perpetual and forever-girlfriend? He has never asked you to marry him in 12 years? Why not? He's keeping you from having a full life and everything a woman wants and deserves.
If he has asked you to marry him, why would you refuse his proposal to remain just his girlfriend? Instead of seeking-out someone else to scratch your itch; or fill whatever empty-spots you haven't worked-out with your forever-boyfriend over twelve long years.
Ditch your boyfriend, and see what comes of this other guy.
You're cheating on your existing-relationship; because it isn't enough. To think you're enough woman for two men is conceited, my dear.
Women hate when men do exactly what you're doing. Cheating on the one you have, to satisfy your greediness for the want of having more that what you should have. It is what it is!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2020): It doesn't look like any of the other aunts have any experience of your situation. I can empathise with you. I experienced this about two years ago. The situation was a little different (my boyfriend and I were going through a year of being long distance), and I wrote a question here asking for advice. I was mostly told to break up with him, but I knew I didn't want to. So that kind of solved the dilemma for me: I knew I wanted to keep my relationship above anything else.
I told my boyfriend, and cut all contact with the other guy. And to be honest, that was hard. I felt guilty for feeling hurt when I was the one who had done wrong, but giving up someone you care about will inevitably be painful. We're only human, and we make connections that are hard to break.
I thought about him every single day for at least nine months. I wanted to get back in touch and feel that rush and excitement again. I missed him, and wanted to know how he was doing. I wanted to hear about his job and his life and all the normal stuff we used to talk about. But the whole time I kept telling myself: "This is just a small part of my life, and it will pass. Even if it hurts, it's better for me in the long run, and better for my boyfriend, and one day I'll look back and be glad I pushed through it for the two of us." I'd give myself goals, like "Don't google him for a month, and then after that you can google him ONCE just to see what he's doing", and by the end of the month the urge to look him up would be gone, and then I'd repeat the process. I needed to guide myself like a child, really, but it worked. I stopped thinking about him all the time.
I definitely feel I made the right choice. My life is so good these days, and my relationship actually feels stronger, because we really worked at getting closer again after I came home. I also did some work with a counsellor, which was a big help. I've been very lucky.
I wish you luck with your decision. I just wanted to tell you it is absolutely possible to let the other guy go, if that's what you want to do. If that's what you choose, just make sure that you commit to that action, for everyone's sake. It was worth it in my case.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (19 February 2020):
 If you loved your boyfriend as deeply as you think you do, you would have not fallen for guy number 2. It's obvious that there's something missing for you, which is why you've found something in this other person. If I were you, I'd break up with my boyfriend and stay single (therefore not dating guy number 2 either) because clearly you're in a state of limbo and struggling to figure out who it is that you want therefore you don't know what it is that you want. This is also a way to set your boyfriend free from your cheating and lying to allow him to find who and what is meant for him. Do him that courtesy. You've cheated and therefore you're a a cheater and you've put yourself in a position where you are now unworthy of this man's love so the best thing that you can do for him, is to set him free to find the person that is worthy of his love. Someone who won't take advantage of him. Someone that can be faithful in a relationship that is monogamous. That person is not you. Be kind and let him go. Do him that favour.You need to give yourself the time to learn what it is that you want as well. This has nothing to do with these two men and everything to do with you. Figure yourself out first before entering any sort of relationship. In future, refrain from entering a monogamous relationship if you cannot commit to one. The world will accept you if you're honest about who you are and what you want but we cannot excuse lies.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (19 February 2020):
 Well, its quite obvious you don't really give two pinches of goat dung for your live in partner or you wouldn't be cheating on him, even if it hasn't developed into anything physical yet.
So do the right thing and break up with him now, it would be less painful for him to hear the truth from you than from somebody who feels he should know the truth about you.
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