A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, can anyone give me some advice on my partners parents, because I feel like giving up.I have been with my man for 3 years now and we live together, and are extremely happy together, I am older than my man by 12 years but it's not a big deal for us because we are on the same page.I have a grown family but my man doesn't have children, and didn't want any, when I first met his mum she came to my house, and it was okay, but his dad wouldn't meet me.After a period of time I moved in with my man into his house he had renovated and together we have turned it into a home.shortly after I moved in with him his mum came round to visit, she lives round the corner, and asked me about my religion, they are Catholic but his dad isn't, and told me I was not what they wanted for their son.obviously I had been married and had children but I was very young at the time, it didn't work out. She said they thought he would have settled down and had a family obviously with someone else.His ex who he never lived with used to self harm and cause trouble but they still welcomed her with open arms.I would say I was quite a sensible level headed down to earth person and told her I had every intention of looking after him and I would never hurt him.But alas my first Xmas I spent on my own as they decided I wasn't welcome to go for Xmas dinner as I was a stranger, I had moved beside my man at this point so couldn't get home to my own family, as it was Xmas eve, I made my man go with them as I didn't want any hassle, and had my first ever Xmas day on my own.I had a great job which took me all over and made great money.I took his mum home expensive perfume from my trips, and when it was his dad's birthday I got him a lovely silver hip flask even though I wasn't allowed to his birthday dinner.His father even after 3 years won't accept me, I wouldn't say I look older than my man, I look after myself, as they live round the corner sometimes we will pop in past, but I get anguish and stutter which I have never done, as I work with people from all over the world and nothing fazes me. His dad doesn't keep well and I totally understand that he has problems but he is horrible to me, I invited them for Xmas dinner last year, his dad refused to come, and protests if he ever has to come round. I had them on boxing day and made them dinner, they said it was better than the Xmas dinner they had gone out for. I have tried to engage with them but it seems I'm an intruder, his dad was in hospital recently but I wasn't allowed to vista, only my man his mum and brother were allowed, my folks sent him a get well card, but never got a thank you, his brother of 30 still lives at home with them but does nothing to help them, they are always on the phone to my man to fix things, and he doesn't get a thank you, the last time I seen his dad, he walked past me and didn't acknowledge me but my man was there and witnessed it.I told him I wasn't going back round to their house as I've had enough and my nerves can't take it.my man at some point in his life was a mummy's boy, she can see no bad in him, but all of a sudden she is telling him he's put on weight, he's letting himself go, he has a stain on his teeth, and looks like a tramp.His mother works and has never cooked or ran after them, his dad does it all, he told me he didn't eat much before he met me as the food at home was horrible, but he loves my home cooking, I do everything in here for him, he doesn't have to lift a finger, and he does all the maintence, he was scruffy at work when I met him, and now she thinks we drink far too much because we sometimes have a drink in our house at the weekend, but my man used to be out drinking every weekend before we met, and took drugs, which he doesn't now, he said he has settled down since he met me, and loves my family values.His mum turned up at our home last weekend and asked my man to throw her a surprise 60th, she said she would give him a list of people she wanted there, my man was quite taken aback as he thought it was was a bit of a cheek, as she had also asked his brother and he had said no. Two weeks before that she demanded we come back to our house while we were out swimming because she wanted to take her sister round to nose round our house, my partner said sorry we are not at home. I had a small op a while ago and looking for a new job at home, she told me on Sunday I should just go back to my job as I must be needing the money, I know she wants rid of me because she thinks if I'm away from home my man could meet someone else.I don't know what to do anymore, I could go on and on about the things that are said, but I feel like I'm going to explode at them because I've had enough. Does anyone have good advice on the subject.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2016): I had in laws I did not particularly like all that much and they didn't like me a whole lot either.I was 6 years younger than their son. But I come from a good, well to do Catholic family and have good family values. And on paper, they know their son had scored the jack pot. What they did not like was that I was opinionated and a city girl to their country life. They hunt and fish and eat bear and moose. I am against hunting and would never dare eat a moose or a bear. They in fact thought I was a snob.And what did I do? Live MY life with MY husband and not give a shit what they think! You ALLOW them to get under your skin. You CHOOSE to let them bring you down. What you need to do is toughen up. CHOOSE not to let them have so much power over you and your man and your lives. Build your wall. Show them you are NOT affected by them. Not by their words, actions or behaviour. And eventually they will give up and stop treating you like garbage. And perhaps even lighten up a little. I am not saying they will ever accept you, like you or welcome you into their family. But maybe they will just become INDIFFERENT in time. Which is a whole lot better. Sometimes people like to stir the pot to get a reaction. Right? Just step out of the fire. It is your life with him. Your relationship with him. Let it all slide. I know I was able to do this. You can convince yourself of anything. If you convince yourself they are hurting you, then they are. If you convince yourself they are not hurting you, then they aren't.They are wrong and behaving like children. Yes, I get as parents we may not like our children's choices in partners. But they are going above and beyond. What they need to do is accept their son's choice. He is a grown man. And realize they do not need to grant him permission for who he chooses to have a relationship with. He does not need their approval. And no matter what they do, they should have no say in how he lives his life. He is not 5 years old anymore. He has earned the right as an independent adult. I mean, how would they feel if they were in his position? Having mean and rude in laws making them feel like an outcast? Nobody likes that. And it is a shame they cannot see past the end of their own judgemental and controlling noses to see there is a human being in you who LOVES their son. And despite all the labels the judgments and their own prejudices, actually IS GOOD FOR THEIR SON.Shame on them. They are oblivious.Hold your head up. The problems are theirs. Do not allow them to eat away at your self esteem. Stand up and be proud. Deal with it head on. Don't give them the power.They would love nothing more than you to walk away. Do you want to let them win? And lose the man YOU LOVE?Let me tell you a story. My aunt absolutely despised my cousin's girlfriend one time. My cousin was a young adult guy in school who still lived at home. The woman was older, divorced and had kids. My aunt and uncle being Italian and Catholic and oh so judgmental, were appalled by my cousins' poor choice in a woman. Mortified in fact. So upset that they threw him out of the house! And what did he do? He went to live with her! That back fired. But the point is some parents sure do go to the extreme to pull their weight. And it ends up being a needless power struggle based on ego. You cannot control other people. And you cannot control your children when they are adults. But they figured since he lived under their roof, they were entitled to throw him out to teach him a lesson. I think some parents just do not think how it affects their kids. They are so wrapped up in their own angst. And how sad that is. That they are causing their children pain when in fact they need to back off. Live and let live. That has always been my motto in life. If you want to be free to make your own choices, then let others do the same. Children who are adults are no exception.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2016): Thanks for the replies, I love my man with all my heart hence why I'm still with him, I don't like his parents I think they are self centred and think they are above everyone else, but I have never been around a family that shout over each other to have a conversation, or a father who can't cope with anything, or a mother that has to go and lie down every time somethings goes wrong, or treats her 32 old son like a like boy, my man made it clear to them that we were together we love each other and we were living together, and told them that was what was happening and he has also said that if it came down to it, he would choice me if they didn't get their attitudes sorted, because I'm the one he wants to spend his life with. I don't have to get on with them or see them, I have told my man I'm not going round to their house anymore, no malice just theses people may be in my man's life but don't need to be in mine, even if we marry I'm not marrying them, his whole life was miserable with them growing up, he is happy now and content, his mother really needs a take a look at herself in a mirror she is obsessed and vile, and the father is a horror not just to me but to everyone, my man sees what is going on, but they are his parents so he can deal with them, I have sons and no way would I ever interfere and tell them who or who not to go out with, you can't dislike people if youddon't even know them, personally they are missing out on a good person and I've decided they can take a flying jump, don't care if they don't like me I like me and so does my man, thanks
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (11 May 2016):
 I don't think anyone here can tell you anything that you don't already know. If after 3 years his parents still don't like you, then I'd say the odds are that they are never going to like you. It doesn't matter how kind or understanding you have been, they've made up their minds that you aren't right for their son and they aren't going to change their minds. You can't make people like you! They have it in their heads that you aren't right for him, aren't good for him and they refuse to see you as an individual..you are just not what they want. You know the expression "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink?" I think thats the boat you are in.
I'll be honest, if I were you by this point I would have checked out of the relationship. I wouldn't want to be nervous, upset and shut out. Your man obviously doesn't want to rock the boat so he stays out things. Blood usually is thicker than water so if push comes to shove, whose side would he take? Theirs? or yours? I can see that you don't want to push your partner into that situation but it doesn't look like things will change. I certainly wouldn't marry him though, it would only get worse.
I'm sorry but I think you are in a no win situation. Is the man worth what you are experiencing? I guess that's the big question. To me, the answer would be no.
Good luck hun..sorry I couldn't give you more positive advice but I'm just being honest.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (11 May 2016):
Hi OP,
Three years of good times, verses how many more years of being the outcast. I am sure this is not what you have in mind for a long term relationship. You know this is only going to get worse.
If he was your husband, I would say stand your ground and fight for your rights. However, as partner...this is what I call a warning of things to come.
You said you have grown kids of your own...So put yourself in his parents shoes, if one of your kids was dating someone you really dislike. No matter how much they come around, you will never accept them.
You have to decide if all of this misery is worth it years down the road.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 May 2016):
 Ok it's obvious his mom doesn't like you all that much. So why not pose this to him? either return to life as it was before they invaded your lives or he can find a gal that mommy dearest "approves of"
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