A
female
age
36-40,
*eccamega
writes:I've been living with my in laws because of financial reasons. My mother in law put heaps of pressure on us despite being in a bad financial position. I had lost my job and got no redundancy. But she said don't worry about it. Then didn't help. Yet she ALWAYS goes out and buys expensive clothes, I can not afford. She's intefering and manipulative. To make it worse my sister in law moved back in with us. She is completely spoilt, aggressive and domineering.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (10 June 2015):
 Why was my last response pulled? I want names.
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (10 June 2015):
 We're now five months on from when you posted your original question. Have you still not moved out? If not, what steps have been taking in the last five months towards this?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 June 2015):
 If you are the one being told off by doctors and your family, had it occurred to you that the problem lies with you and the way you handle conflict?
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female
reader, meccamega +, writes (9 June 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks but I've had bad experiences with therapy. Eg paying $300 for an hour, only to be told the Dr couldn't do anything for me. The hospital i had my daughter at, sent me around and around in circles and DIDNT even help me. Just COMPLETELY wasted my time and then had the audacity to tell me off. Alot of crap doctors out there.
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female
reader, meccamega +, writes (9 June 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi I don't see why I should be greatful when I had no one else to go and then their lying, cheating, spoilt and verbally abusive daughter in law also moved in, when they let her treat us like crap. We don't verbally abuse her, yet they say and do nothing when she does.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (14 February 2015):
 If your mother-in-law is as evil and nasty as you're making out, you have to move out. It really is that simple because there are problems you'll have to deal with if you stay or go and, at least if you go, you won't have to worry about the witch bringing you down?
It may sound like I'm being sarcastic, but I'm being serious. Do I think she's as bad as it feels to you? I think it's more likely that you don't see yourself doing anything wrong and anything that she does that could be seen as favouritism to her own daughter over her daughter-in-law, you'll pick up on it and feel hurt and/or hard-done-by because of it.
I think that you and your husband need to move out, be independent, work in shifts, so that you parent when he's working and he parents when you're working, because you're both adults who chose to be parents and now you have to be responsible about it, rather than be affected by anything your in-laws do or don't do.
Please find as much professional help as you can; it won't be easy, but should be worth it.
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female
reader, meccamega +, writes (14 February 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband works part time and has had jobs in his field. But theres only PART TIME contracts out there. Nobody wants to employ full tome anymore. He hasn't been airtight around doing nothing. I finding it extremely difficult to be civil, when my MIL drives her daughter to uni. But when I was heavily pregnant and carrying a heavy bag. She told me to walk.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (25 January 2015):
You can't be reading these responses through;
- you won't answer the questions,
- think we are "insulting you about therapists" (not sure what you meant by that?)
- and ignored when I suggested Cognitive Behavioural Therapists because coping mechanisms are what they are qualified to teach you - normal therapists are usually just supposed to listen and help you find a solution from within yourself.
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female
reader, meccamega +, writes (25 January 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy father in law has full blown OCD. It's far past "just wanting things clean". Thanks for the insults about therapists. But I don't want to waste more time/ money on therapists who won't help with me with coping/ strategies for my situation. It seems a lot of therapists really are the quacks of the medical profession. I haven't had good experiences with them.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 January 2015):
I'm still waiting for the question you want answered.
Please answer the other aunts' questions. Do you have a disability that prevents you from doing so?
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (23 January 2015):
Why were you having a child that you didn't want?! Just to live with her?! That's ridiculous! Sure, she shouldn't have said that, but why were you risking getting pregnant if you weren't ready for a baby and didn't want one?
How long have you been living with her? Were you pregnant when you moved in? How old is your baby now?
WHAT DOES YOUR HUSBAND SAY ON THIS? - Excuse the capitals; I'm not shouting it at you, but this is the question you keep avoiding, so I want to draw your attention to it.
Is your husband employed?
Are you LOOKING for a job? If not, why not?
To be honest, while I don't think it was nice of her to threaten to kick you out if you didn't have the baby, you are adults and should have realised that it's her home and you'd just have to move out (if you didn't want to keep the baby). You say she's religious, so I'm assuming she'd have kicked you out if you'd had an abortion, but you (as an adult) shouldn't have had the baby just because she "forced" you to - or you could have had the baby and given him/her up for adoption.
If you're seeing a therapist, I suggest reading this post to him/her. If you don't, I suggest you get one; you can't have a baby, just to keep living off of your in laws - you should have found a way to move out and make your own decision about the welfare of the baby, not just where you could keep living almost for free.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 January 2015):
 ok so MONEY is not a problem NOW
now you say she's crossing boundaries.... which boundaries is she crossing in her own home?
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female
reader, meccamega +, writes (23 January 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe threatened to kick us out if we didn't have the child. It's NOT like she's innocent. And her daughter is far too self centered to ever have one. It's hardly a walk in the park living with them either. Their favortism, insults, judgement and constant criticism. My MIL is religious, judemental but also a HUGE hypocrite. Just because we are currently living with them, does that give her the right to cross boundaries?
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (23 January 2015):
Just because you're unemployed, doesn't excuse you expecting more than she's already giving you.
OP, you haven't answered the other questions and I'll add some new ones:
What does your husband say about this?
Is he employed?
Are you actively looking for a job, sending out CVs, etc.?
How do you pay the small amount towards things?
Why, if you're not entitled, do you ask for so much? Don't mention that she "promised" because she's doing a hell of a lot for you and your little family and you don't appreciate what she's already given you.
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female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (23 January 2015):
 Buy nappies for who? Children's things for who's children? Your own?
Help pay for food that YOU help eat?
This is still less than what they are doing for you. The exchange rate is unequal and yet you expect more.
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female
reader, meccamega +, writes (23 January 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not entitled. I always HELP pay for food, buy the nappies, children's things. That isn't a problem now. Just because she let us live here, DOESN'T excuse her crossing boundaries.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (22 January 2015):
She hasn't lied about helping you; you're living under her roof, presumably with husband and baby - THREE more people.You are being very ungrateful; so many people who lose their jobs have nowhere to go at all.Her money, his house, their rules. She offered help, you live under her roof, she doesn't have to pay any more for you. If you leave a mess, he'll move it, but you shouldn't be leaving messes.Do you (collectively you and your husband) pay rent? Food? Electricity? Internet? Phone? Baby nappies? Formula? Clothes?You are a very lucky lady and you are taking their acts of kindness for granted and, quite frankly, behaving like you are a bratty teenager, the main example being: "It's hard to want to help my MIL with chores, when she lied about helping me". That's immature and, honestly, you're not asking for help; you're asking for a free ride: "My sister in law is loaded with money and doesn't need help".Your mother in law may not understand what it's like to lose your job and have no money, but that doesn't excuse your ungrateful attitude and she's doing a lot more than many in laws would do - heck, even more than many parents would do! I mean, some parents or in laws want to help but can't afford to or don't have the space, so think yourself lucky that you've got somewhere for you and your baby to live.A few questions that need to be answered:What does your husband say on this?Are you paying any money towards the aforementioned costs?Are you looking for a job?Is your husband employed?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 January 2015):
Meccamega, you've stated your position and feelings about the situation several times now. Many aunts have offered suggestions and ways to deal with it. You restate your position without any sign that you've read their advice. It's like the aunts' advice is falling on deaf ears.
Your posts make you sound sullen and inert. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised that your in-laws are fed up by your attitude.
What advice are you looking for? You didn't actually ever ask a auestion. Is this more of an exercise in your venting your feelings? Could it be that you don't intend to take any action or change your approach? Are you expecting your mother-in-law to apologize for buying herself clothes with her own money?
Where is your husband in all this? What is he saying?
And again, what is your question?
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female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (21 January 2015):
How can you expect her to give you MORE when you are not appreciative for what she has ready given you, and won't even help with chores? All I can say more, is you need to take a good look at yourself and try to self improve.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 January 2015):
how is letting you live in their home NOT helping you out?
what do you do to help out around the house?
are you living with them RENT free? that's more than enough help.
If you can't afford to move out and you are not happy with the therapists you have you can find NEW therapists to help you learn how to deal with your unjustified anger.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 January 2015):
 You sounds AWFULLY entitled. Sorry, but that IS how you come across in your post and answer.
INSTEAD of all this rage and animosity towards your in-laws, you and your BF needs to focus on getting on your OWN two feet and take care of YOURSELVES. YOU are BOTH ( I presume in your late 20's?) OLD enough to do so. As much as parent CAN help out, and your In-laws ARE by giving you a room over your head and FEED you, they are NOT required to carry the LOAD of their ADULT kids and the ADULT kid's partner.
You say the MIL promised you something and then spend her money (HER MONEY) on clothes. Well, now you know. YOU CAN NOT rely on her, YOU have to TAKE CARE of yourself and YOUR child.
If you can't find work, because you don't have anyone to look after the baby then your BF at least need to find a job. Once HE has one, then find child care and find yourself a job.
Where are YOUR parents in all this? Seems like you have a lot of expectation on your MIL, what about your own parents? Can't they help ? with baby sitting or something?
Have you looked into housing? unemployment? Not sure how that works down under - but.. I think, you and your BF need to get your acts together and stand on your own two feet.
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (21 January 2015):
Is your stuff being left untidily in a communal area like a lounge? Maybe he just wants the place to be tidy, so he tidies things away. Where possible you should keep your stuff in your bedroom (I'm assuming you have a bedroom). Remember it's not your house,
Seriously, get your own place ASAP and be grateful that you're not homeless. Some people have no-one to put them up when they fall on hard times.
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female
reader, meccamega +, writes (21 January 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's hard to want to help my MIL with chores, when she lied about helping me. My sister in law is loaded with money and doesn't need help. There's one rule for her and another for everyone else. I would never get away with stuff she does- stealing and hiding people's things. I wouldn't mind about my father in law moving things, if he told us WHERE he put OUR personal stuff.
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female
reader, meccamega +, writes (21 January 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI resent her telling me what to do. When my Mother in law has never struggled financially or been out of work.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (21 January 2015):
They spoil their daughter because she is THEIR DAUGHTER. Your father in law moves stuff because it's HIS HOUSE.
You have to find a way to move out; you may not realise it, but you're being very ungrateful and are acting like they owe you.
Where's your partner on this?
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female
reader, meccamega +, writes (21 January 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's hardly been easy living with them either. They favor and spoil their daughter to death. My Father in law is OCD which was a nightmare when my daughter was a newborn and only getting 3 hours of sleep at a time. My father in law constantly moves our things, but doesn't tell you where hes put them.
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female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (20 January 2015):
It seems as though you are angry because she stated she would help you through, so you changed your situation and put yourself in a position to rely on her. But your attitude is bad now, because you're not getting carried all the way through. Your mistake was moving in with her, expecting her to save you and pull you out onto your feet. Your mistake was being completely dependent on someone else. Your attitude should be grateful for what you're been given and working for what you have not. You need to be appreciative, and helping her in return where ever possible. You also need to be working as hard as possible to remove yourself from her care. I understand it's difficult to be criticized and judged, and people are not always nice and constructive with their words; however, there may also be truth in their criticism and you need to evaluate yourself and make a realization about what they are right and wrong about. Are they frustrated that you live there, and are seemingly ungrateful and angry that you're not receiving more? Probably. Now they have a bad attitude and resent you as well. living with family or friends rarely ends well. All parties involved need to be very well capable of handling issues and need to have no hidden expectations. I realize you are frustrated but you are ultimately responsible for your situations, finances, life, and child. You should be the only person you depend on. You would do well to stop holding grudges for what you're not getting, and show appreciation for what you are. For now you should keep your head down, help around the house where you can, and work on a way to become independent again. This is the only cure for your situation. Be humble and mature. Do not place blame on others. They have lived their own lives and worked for what they have. ~Sy
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female
reader, meccamega +, writes (20 January 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI only critized her because she said she would help me out with some costs and then didn't. But then goes out and buys herself expensive clothes.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (20 January 2015):
Whether you like it or not, you MiL is doing you a favour by letting you live with her, so you shouldn't criticise her spending HER money on clothes and only allowing HER DAUGHTER to criticise her.... This is all pretty common sense.
Therapists will normally only listen and talk you through it, but doctor-prescribed meds and cognitive behavioural therapy should help because CBT is all about coping mechanisms.
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female
reader, meccamega +, writes (20 January 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHer daughter is also extremely bossy, aggressive and critizing. So I'm not sure why my mother in law allows only my sister in law to have a go at her.
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female
reader, meccamega +, writes (20 January 2015):
meccamega is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had to defer uni last year because I had a baby and had post natal depression. I've seen therapists but they're a complete waste of time. They don't help with any coping strategies! My sister in law complains, but she can atleast afford to move out, unlike us. I completely resent my mother in law saying not to worry- she would help me. But didn't at all and yet spends $$ on expensive clothes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2015): I'm sorry but I'm struggling to understand why it's a problem that your mother in law is spending her own money in her own house that you are living in rent free?
Why is it a problem that her daughter has moved back in to her parents' house when it's ok for you to do so.
I'm not sure I understand what your problem is.
She's manipulative? Yes and I'm sure she hasn't just become manipulative. She was manipulative when you moved in and I think you should think more about coping strategies than anything else.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 January 2015):
Time to get out of that house ASAP.
Living with family RARELY works out.
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (19 January 2015):
You and your husband both need to get jobs and get your own place ASAP. Living with in-laws never works.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2015): What do you care if she shops for herself and spends money on herself? I don't think it is fair that you would expect her to rearrange her life and stop doing all the things she normally does on behalf of you. She is nice enough to let you and your husband stay with her.
Just try to stay away from them. Go out looking for jobs all day. Hopefully you will land something soon. Don't lose your focus because of petty stuff.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (19 January 2015):
How long has it been like this? Have you got another job? Looking for another job? Where is your spouse in all of this?
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