A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:To give a quick run down on the situation, my girlfriend of now over 6 years and I have been through some horrible times. I will preface this by apologizing for the length of this, there was a lot to say!Firstly let me give you the run down on my girlfriend. She grew up feeling unloved and unwanted, her father was absent and her mother verbally abusive. She was overweight and had no self esteem and had a desire to feel loved by someone, these people were the boyfriends or people who simply used her for sex. At 14 she was raped and still struggles with this to this day, she has never had treatment even though I have urged her to do so. She developed an eating disorder, dropped out of school and became depressed. Still she wanted approval and love from men who often mistreated her, often she would sabotage the relationships and be in communication with multiple other men for the attention. She is a truly beautiful woman and gets a lot of male attention, however she has never seen herself as anything other than ugly. Basically we started dating at 18, I went into the relationship not fully trusting her I knew her reputation. She had a multitude of men messaging her photos of dicks and other things. These soon stopped but she never really seemed to see a problem with them and only stopped it for me. Me not trusting her from the outset created issues and occasionally some tension when male friends would message her. More often than not these friends were interested in only one thing, or at least that was how it seemed to me. I told her that these male "friends" made me uncomfortable and she said she would not see them. Early on I found out she caught up with an ex BF and lied to me about it. This further broke my trust. Despite all this we had the best 2 years together, we moved in together about 6 months in and it seemed we were madly in love and I had not repeat incidences to make me doubt her. In the start of our relationship she almost clung to me like a life raft and all her friends and family commented on how well she was doing and how happy she was.Eventually she started to go down hill with her mood, and our relationship with it, she pushed me away and became distant. Her eating disorder really took hold until about 2 1/2 years into our relationship she was at the point where she was collapsing and hospitalized, she was heavily medicated with anti depressants which I found out later she was taking too many of. During this time she was very secretive with her phone. For about 8 months this went on and then she went on a trip interstate to see a old friend. It turned out she had been basically in a online relationship with some guy she used to know. They exchanged inappropriate texts, her in her underwear ect and said they loved each other, to this day I am not 100% sure they did not have sex, she admits to kissing him and no more. We broke up for a short period after which I took her back, she grew rapidly better with her eating disorder, stopped on the anti-depressants, started working for my father in a stable job. Around this 3-4 year mark of our relationship I was angry almost all the time, I could not believe after everything I had gone through with her, cooking her meals to ensure she would eat, seeing her in hospital and trying my heart out to make things better that she could treat me so badly. Despite this things were relatively good with her up until year 5 of our relationship. I never trusted her after this had all occurred and would often hold it over her head and have angry outbursts. I was not interested in going out with her friends or taking her to nice restaurants because I felt she didn't deserve it. Yet I still loved her. I know doing what I did directly influenced what happened next and I regret the way I acted. Once again in year 5 she started being secretive with her phone, distant, I caught her out in lies about where she had been, she would tell me she was going out with friends however they would never know where she was. I broke up with her a couple of months after this started occurring. When I broke up with her and moved out she would randomly show up to my house and initiate sex which I sadly was not always able to turn down, she would cry and beg me to take her back. She would send me texts saying how miserable she was without me. This went on for a couple of months and I told her I still loved her, but I couldn't be with her with her acting the way she was. It turns out I had been correct in assuming she was seeing someone, I was confronted by this person as he found out that he was also being screwed around by my GF and seeing me behind his back. My gf admitted everything to me and I confirmed most of it with the guy she had been seeing. They had been catching up prior to me leaving her and had kissed but not had sex. After I broke up with her they of course started. She promised me should would never see him again, however she was of course lying and I found out through the man she was seeing that they had a dinner planned. We both decided to confront her prior to this dinner.After this all occurred I still loved her and felt more than ever that she had been completely honest with me in the end. I took her back and we have been better than we ever have before, we are going out, having fun and generally enjoying life. She is communicating her issues to me and how she feels which she has never really done, she is also confronting her past, her rape and everything that was happened. It has been 5 months since I took her back. However always in the back of my mind I feel like I am making a huge mistake, I feel she will only hurt me again even if it is years down the track. Can a person like this truly change? Can they stop repeating these patterns like she tells me she will? Or am I completely screwed.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (20 January 2015):
I do not believe therapy is a solution with immediate results. Finding a therapist that suits you and are comfortable with is an expected challenge. A therapist wont immediately solve all of life's issues. Even when you find a therapist, it takes time and progress.
I do understand her hesitation for therapy but the reasons you've mentioned on why she can not go to therapy or refrain from talking about her issues, just indicates more and more her need for therapy. You must enable her to go to therapy. You say that this is "the main issue you encounter" but this isn't about you. You can not take her pain away and you are not responsible for dishing out excuses FOR her when she does not want therapy. She has deep issues and she needs therapy, period.
You do not "live your life for someone else". Doing all the good in the world does not prevent the person from doing wrong to you. This is the path you chose a long time ago and it would be folly to not expect some hard ships. She has to do her part in making herself a better person.
Wish you all the best, and hopefully it works out this time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: I am going to stick this out this time around, I know its a slim chance that this will end happily, but I feel I have to try this one last time. It's just who I am as a person, I don't give up easily and have an insane sense of loyalty. Insane probably being the key word... I know she needs to see someone for her issues, the main issue I encounter here is I am literally the only person she has ever told about her rape. She has seen people for her eating disorder and for how her parents have damaged her and was supposed to talk about her rape but could never do it. As a person she holds onto the smallest details and they can eat away at her, when she trys to confront the larger ones I worry she won't be able to handle it. In regard to her treatment of me I know she feels disgusted in herself by the way she has treated me, her own actions further perpetuate her terrible self esteem and self worth.I will try and get her into counselling even if I go in with her to provide support. I don't know how well it will go or if I will even be able to get her there. She does not like feeling pressured to do anything and saying I won't be with her until she gets counseling won't work, I tried that one when we were broken up. Any suggestions are welcome?Thanks to everyone for taking the time to read and reply.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2015): I feel quite sorry for her and it's obvious that she is very damaged and will never stop being like this until she goes to see a counsellor. She will always be like this though as she will always have you there. I was raped and the trial was only a few months ago but I signed myself up to counselling straight away because I need it. It doesn't make me want to treat people badly though and I spend a lot of time trying to find out coping mechanisms. I get upset from time to time but what she's doing seems like she has a mental illness and she's self destructing. The only way she is going to get better is if you leave her alone and she'll hit her lowest point then get help. If you don't like the thought of her not being in your life again tell her that you wont see her until she gets help. You're going to get angry and it will take a toll on your mental health if she doesn't. Life isn't all about her and she needs a reality check, I've had depression myself and t's better when my partner gave me a good shock, I have children and realised I'm not the most important thing in the world, they are. I feel sorry for her but you're just encouraging her to be so self absorbed.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 January 2015):
 One word. Codependency.
You love her and its commendable that you've stuck it out for so long but all I'll say is, you can do better. Unless she chooses to help herself, you cant really do anything. She'll be fine for a few days and then go back to a self-destructive mode then come crying to you and you'll take her back...this is a very unhealthy, codependent relationship.
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A
male
reader, Xearo +, writes (19 January 2015):
I believe change is a choice and that anyone can change including cheaters. It does not mean that they actually do want to change nor would it mean that change is easy. Having said that, I would not continue a relationship after being cheated on multiple times, much less the first time (it is my choice).
I am sure you can see the pattern yourself, where her distance equates to cheating. You can give her the benefit of the doubt but at least you should be able to see the signs early.
I think she has some deep issues which may not simply be over come by emotional support. Professional help isn't a bad idea.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 January 2015):
 You love this girl and I find it admirable that you want to "fix" things for you, however SHE needs WAY more help then you can give.
I would continue to URGE her to seek counseling for the rape.
And IF you WANT to be with her,the GIVE her the benefit of the doubt, unless she SHOWS you she isn't "WORTH" your trust. I seems like she is trying.
The thing is though, the combination of eating disorder, depression and low self esteem are ALL issues SHE NEEDS to deal with. And if she doesn't, I don't see how she can change her patterns.
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