A
female
age
41-50,
*eace143
writes:my husbands mothers husband just passed. she is 55 and he was 84, with money. they were married 4 years. so now she wants to move in with us. no one asked me how i felt. i love her with all my heart, but i didnt sign up for this. i know it sounds mean. at first i was told a couple months and now its turning in to years. we are soooo different. she is preppy and im hippy( not really hippy). so i support her moving short time but not long term. is this wrong? we just started out, and have 3 kids. just settled into a home and now this. i want my own life. is this selfish?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 November 2011):
 Weird. Why a healthy , only 55, and now moneyed too preppy woman, would WANT to move in with her hippy daughter in law and her 3 children ?? Especially after having ( probably ) spent the last 4 years taking care of an old man. Are you sure that this what she'd like to do ? Or is it just your husband's brilliant idea ? Men have these skewed up notions sometime, that a middle aged woman may be lonely.... need protection... need to be surrounded by grandchildren...
Unless there are particular, specific reasons ( health, money...) I guess you may find out that your MIL would be your best ally in nixing the plan. Maybe she wants to travel, look for a new boyfriend, or just simply enjoy the comfort peace and privacy of her new found singlehood. And she does not know how to say no to your husband without hurting his feelings.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (20 November 2011):
 She was married for four years, to a guy almost 30 years older, with money? OK, you could give us details that might tug at heartstrings, but in the absence of that, I doubt that she's so devestated that she'll have trouble getting on with her life. I'll stop there with being judgmental, and move on to the fact that you weren't consulted. Assuming there isn't an ethnic component, no sensible husband would invite his mother in without consulting his wife. So we're missing essential details.
The short answer is that in the U.S. this isn't done.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2011):
 Unless she needs care, I would say no. She doesn't need to move in with you guys. She needs to live life.
Now if it's only a shorter stay, you need to set a # of days you can accept. Maybe look for a place for her close by.
You all have 3 kids and don't need to take care of a 55 year old too.
Maybe do a trial basis first and see how it goes.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (20 November 2011):
 P.S. Maybe you can offer to spend more time with her during the week or week-ends as a way of avoiding the whole live in arrangement. Invite her over for dinner a couple of times a week. Take her on outings with your kids on the week-ends. Maybe if she realizes she'll be included she'll feel less lonely and not need to move in. Just be prepared to follow-up on your promises. She really needs to feel connected to you guys and it'll help her move past her grief if she has other things to look forward to.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (20 November 2011):
Why in the world would a woman who is 55 want to move in with her kids in the first place? She's in her prime! She should have a nice circle of friends and plenty of things to do with her new found freedom (however tragic it may have come about). If she has not already moved in (though it sounds like she has) you need to discuss this with your husband. Why didn't anyone talk to you and include you on this rather big decision? Secondly, unless she's never worked a day in her life and her deceased husband left her penniless or she has a mountain of health problems I don't think she needs to move in with you guys at all. She's probably depressed at the loss of her husband. She may even be afraid of her own mortality and of being "alone" so she feels the need to move in. At best a couple of months but once she's there it will be very hard to extract her in a month or so when it's time to have your own space again. She sounds a bit needy and you can bet she'll play any card she has to get to stay (Oh my son, I feel sick, I can't possibly move out now...) You get the picture. I do think this is a family decision and you should reserve the right to say no; afterall when she's 80 I could see it. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): It's not selfish to want your own life, but it seems a bit cruel. She just lost her husband and is grieving, so she is probably scared too. Talk to your husband calmly and explain to him that your fine if it is a short term deal that she comes to stay, but that your not ok with it being years or the rest of her life. I understand your feelings, but would you honestly feel the same way if it was your mother in this situation? It's a hard situation and your husband probably feels a responsibility to his Mum, just talk to honestly about your feelings. Good Luck.
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