A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am at my wit's end. My husband of ten years is a bottomless pit of insecurity and i don't know if i can take it anymore. He is a person who is very kind and loving, but doesn't often know his own mind. He doesn't have any interests or hobbies or friends. He is inclined to think that people won't like him, or even are out to get him. He obviously has low confidence and self-esteem. Recently, i insisted that he attend a counsellor. He has had a few sessions and it seems to be going well. He is able to express himself a little better now. However, when i was away visiting friends at the weekend, he searched through all my belongings looking for god knows what. Maybe he thinks i'm having an affair, but i'm not. He says i've been quiet and that's why he did it; to see what's wrong. He found some notes i had made on a self-help book i was reading. The notes were about our relationship. They were private; if i had wanted to discuss them with him i would. He was upset by what he read, but i stand over it all. I meant it when i wrote it; there's nothing really awful there, just the truth.My question is, what do i do now? I feel invaded, that he wants to get into every area of my life. I have no privacy in my own home now, and i don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2007): You have been married to this man for 10 Years? Has he always been this intrusive or jealous, or is it something more recent? Has he lost a job recently, or someone has died that he really was close too? Has there been some major trauma in your married life?
I think he sounds of course very insecure and he has trust issues that revolve around you. I don't have enough information here to really give you a lot of insight into your problem, but I think it would be great if his therapist agrees, for you to join him in counseling.
Maybe the way the two of you communicate is part of the problem, you may be distancing yourself of late due to many issues, not just his insecurity and posessiveness, but because there are other things between you that are not working.
You don't say that he is really abusive in any way, just jealous, so that is what makes me think that there is a relationship problem and it involves the way the two of you fight, argue or speak to each other....
On the positive side, he seems very willing to work on himself and the marriage, and you also seem to want that, so I think ther is a lot of hope in getting to the bottom of this and improving things between you, just try and keep an open dialogue as well as learn better ways to set boundaries and balance moments of intimacy with moments of solitude.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (26 April 2007):
 Dr. Pete gave you a great answer. The only thing that I might add is this. If your husband was unaware of what he found in your notes, then those notes would serve as ammunition for his fears. They would help to bolster the thoughts he was having...example...well if she was feeling that way, she must have been thinking this too....if she was unhappy with me, she must have been happy with someone else....etc. It's a blind leap by the jealous person but to connects the dots they want connected.
I had a jealous episode once in my life and it almost cost me my marriage. The thoughts get bigger and bigger. Make sure you deal with it now, through therapy or something along those lines.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): Hi anonymous,
It takes a very strong and committed person to get a relationship past someone who behaves in this way. If what he is doing is focused around thinking that you could be cheating on him or will leave him then it is jealousy rather than self-esteem that is driving his behaviour. He is likely to overestimate threats to the relationship, constantly think that you are going to leave him for someone else and his attention would be focused on looking for sexual connotations in your dealings with other people. He'd also look for "evidence" that you were having an affair. A person who is jealous also needs constant reassurance that you are faithful and loving but they monitor and restrict your movements and actions. They are also likely to retaliate (emotionally or physically) for an imagined infidelity (e.g. his reactionary way to your notes is a good example) He may even set traps to catch you out.
The best way of dealing with this is first to have them get professional help (which I can see you've done) the second is to remain firm and have boundaries that he is not allowed to cross. The problem with jealousy is that the more privacy that he is allowed to invade, the stronger his jealousy will become. There is also another problem with jealousy, and that is that the person on the receiving end of jealousy (you) usually ends up emotionally closing off as the jealousy persists. Have you found this happening? It is important to look out for because a jealous person will notice this and it will confirm their fears and drive them to become even worse - thus a vicious cycle ensues.
It sounds like you need to keep firm and adamant about your personal space. Reassure him that you love him but that when he crosses the line he is not respecting that and you find it difficult to understand. Depending on how jealous he is, he may or may not be able to reason that in his head and understand.
It is superb that he is in counselling though, I really hope that the counsellor and him are getting on and that he continues to make progress. Look out for him slipping - often people leave counselling as soon as they start to notice an improvement in their emotional state. It is important though to keep him going until the counsellor feels they can no longer get any benefit. Hopefully he can listen to your words and look to a future where it is no longer a problem and you can work to having a more intimate and happy relationship. Take care and I hope things get easier for you.
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