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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am 25 and consider myself to be unlucky person to have not been loved by many people in this world, espceially by my own family members. This leaves me as the one who is craving for it, and sometimes in desperation that leads to being used by other people who understand it. I get easily smitten by other people and especially what opposite sex tell me. I believe them blindly as i regard them highly for i see them as the one who could satisfy this unmet need of mine, that of being loved. I sometimes get good treatment and sometimes get cheated. But in most cases, it's difficult for me to read them. Is it possible now for me learn their intentions and not getting used? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): I have had similar experiences. I have been used terribly by men, have ended up in terrible situations where I feared for my life and I even got married to an entirely unsuitable character who physically and mentally abused me for 11 years. I thought that is all I was worth so put up with his cheating, his abuse and lack of communication. I eventually kicked him out even though we have a child together. I realised that my child needed protecting and I wanted to show her that this is not how anyone treats anyone, the value of regard, friendship and sincerity. I don't regret being alone, away from him or being a single parent. I have learnt the hard way. I haven't become embittered or feeling like I don't know what I am doing, I feel empowered that I know exactly what category this person falls into. I can pretty much see it in the first 5 mins. Some of my friends think I am a bit aggressive when I first meet someone. I am friendly, ask them a lot of questions rather than them getting information from me (you can ask questions and look as if you are really interested in them) but really you can find out how they react to things, what they talk about etc etc. And be honest, if you are asked out for coffee or a drink you ask for their number, never do the exchange. You end up wondering when she is going to call...woman are fickle. You can usually tell if someone is interested in who you are if they are inquisitive about you what you like, what makes you tick, what's your favourite movie, if they ask how much you earn or what you do for a living in the first or second question, they usually are looking for their fit. Which is fine...not everything is about career and money. If she obsesses about clothes, her hair, doesn't concentrate when you are talking to her, like talking calls in front of you...walk away politely. Never become someone's fit. Be yourself and if you aren't comfortable, say it has been good chatting and move away even if it means you leave and go home early. The right girl will find who you without having to try, it will just click. Don't try to chat up girls with stuff they want to hear...catch them off guard with something they actually have to think about and make them curious to get to know you a bit more. Girls always expect guys to come up and either make some sexual remark, or the old favourite are you here with your boyfriend or do you come here often...if you're in a club and she is dancing or you see her dancing or singing along to the words, say something like this is Gwen Stefani isn't it...ask her why she likes that artist...then tell her that she looked really good dancing, rather than you looked hot dancing. Keep the conversation moving. You will see if she is a dull girl looking for a shag. If she spends more time fussing on with her hair, reapplying her lipstick she isn't going to notice you or even if a nuclear war was about to take place. It sounds boring but she will remember you more than the snakes who come out with the same lines. Or tell her she looks really nice, girls spend ages on their appearance. Usually guys only look at your assets and not what it took to put it all together. Tell her she smells nice and try and guess her perfume...I hope that helps. Obviously the physical appearance is the first thing you notice, but go for someone who you can see has taken a great deal of care with her jewellery, clothes, or a bag or has modest make up. This sounds very stereo-typical, but girls dressed in the backless, sideless dress are usually just wanting a party and will be for the short term. Also what they say in the first few moments, if they have actually thought about it, rather than the usual lines is someone to maybe get to know a bit better. Don't get involved too heavy too fast. Keep your distance a bit and get her to find you curious. No girl likes a guy who looks too keen to soon. That sounds horrible but they want to keep the cards close and play them when they want. Hope that helps.
A
female
reader, JazziBadAzz  +, writes (26 April 2007):
people's main agenda is to use you out and i have had the same problem as you growing up and only have one parent in my life for half of my life. You need to evaluate yourself and see what you love about yourself and validate that. Set higher standards for yourself and dont fall for anything because when you do you settle for less and that means your satsified. Sex is not how the emotion of loved is showed. sex is just a stimulant feeling with another person. thats why people do it so random and say or sometimes do anything to get it. you have to love yourself and let people see it in their actions. If you dont then people will see that as a sign of weakness and abuse it for what it is. I truly personally understand how you feel and i hope the best for you.
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