A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i’ve been a wife and mother for the past 25 years, this has been my main job in life especially since i have 4 kids and my eldest is disabled, i’ve worked PT all the time but made sure i was always home when the kids were, i work as a nurse but only 15 hours a week , my husband has the big career. he earns a large amount of money compared to me. Recently our middle daughter who’s 20 just got engaged to a young man in the military and we were talking about her future plans and my daughter told her partner what a wonderful childhood she had been given by always coming home to a warm home filled with the smell of baking and mum dancing around the kitchen (yes i’m aware i’m making myself sound like Doris day) and how magical Christmas’s were because i went to such efforts and how if she has kids and the chance to be at home she would love it, my husband was horrified that this was an aspiration and she should get her own life and not be riding on someone’s coattails , he then proceeded to be extremely rude about its not contributing much doing that, i went to bed in a mood and thought about how many times he’s made snide comments about what we have (a big home and nice things etc) saying that my £500 odd wages a month couldn’t have got us all that.... if i had a £1 for every time when we’ve gone away he says to the kids sarcastically, wow your mums managed to get this holiday only working PT isn’t that clever ..... i wish i could find a job like that!! i always tell him i’m grateful he works so hard but i work hard as well just in a different way. i know it sounds silly but i even thought about leaving him tonight ... i feel so undervalued, am i being dramatic? i spoke to him and he just says well it’s different times, woman want more than to just be a housewife! i know that and good for them but also some people excel at being parents like me who live for family, it’s a personal choice and not one i would attack if someone thought differently to me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2020): While your husband sounds like quite the twat, in this day, it is probably best that your daughter learns to be self sufficient. If need be, you could support your family by being a nurse. Your daughter needs to acquire skills that would allow her to do the same.
Your daughter’s husband, if he stays in the military, will struggle to support a family with a stay at home mom. Unless he changes to a much higher paying occupation, it will be very difficult to make it in a single military salary. ,
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2020): HiI admire you and see you as an inspirational mother who has given their children loving memories of their childhood growing up, and for this ACHIEVEMENT you should feel proud. Being a' Mother or Father' as I often say on here, is the most important job in the world and is never part-time, it is a lifetime of future generations that parents are shaping.Your choice to have given 100% to be a mother and wife, just the same as when mothers work as well, their choice or their necessity or their desire. I have great admiration for the mother/Father who struggles financially and sacrifices the lost time with their children, to put food on the table and provide for their education and can still give love through their exhaustion and limited time.I admire the Mother who wants to also develop her education to fulfil her ambitions or follow her dreams and build dreams and create future visions for their children.Love and A happy childhood is the only legacy a child needs from their parents and how ever, a parent gives this, is a personal choice and not dictated by man-made time. You both achieved it, in different ways, snide comments are not worth anything. Don't feel undervalued feel good that you loved your children and they love you back and hope the cycle continues for generations to come, in a world growing colder and clinical by the minute. Your daughter will make her own choices in life, as you did. Don't forget your dreams or your husband's dreams either now that the children are grown up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2020): I think you are being sightly over dramatic.There’s two things to consider here. 1. Maybe he felt undervalued when your daughter was saying how amazing YOU made her childhood. You didn’t say she said anything about his contributions to her childhood. Men are VERY proud creatures. He went to work everyday to provide for his family. I’m not saying he worked harder than you or you worked harder than him. BOTH of you worked hard to give your daughter the best life - and by the sounds of it you both did an amazing job. It was a joint effort. Maybe it would of been nice if you had reminded your daughter how hard your husband worked to give her a good childhood too. It’s easy for kids to remember the parent that they always saw growing up most and what they did for them - I’m sure your husband would of loved to spend the same amount of time with your children as you did. But in his mind he had a job to do - that is to go to work and make sure you all had food on the table and a comfortable life. 2. He is right when he says times have changed. Divorce rates are at an all time high. What happens if your daughter and her husband have kids and then get divorced or something else terrible happens. He wants to make sure his daughter is prepared for these type of situations. To make sure she has a career in case these things happen and can provide the best life for her and her children alone. Not to say that women can’t be stay at home moms and still find a job after divorce and give their children a good life. But parents worry about their children and that is all he is doing - looking out for her. There’s a reason why so many woman now are establishing careers before having children - to make it easier for them to do the job of 2 parents if needed and not struggle being a single parent so much. He is acting like a child though. He shouldn’t undervalue you just to put his point across and make himself feel better. But then you are also acting like a child by getting upset that he’s telling his daughter to create her own life and rethink being a mainly stay at home mom. He’s not undervaluing you - he’s looking out for her in his own way. See it from each other’s point of view. He doesn’t understand how hard it is for you raising the children and keeping a nice home for everyone. You don’t understand how hard it is for him to go to work everyday for his family while you get to spend more time with them. You are both making YOURSELVES feel undervalued. You have BOTH TOGETHER created happy children who had amazing childhoods. How can any comment make either of you feel undervalued. Raising your children in a happy environment was your main goal albeit in different ways. And guess what - you succeeded. Job done! So enough with this under appreciated bull. You BOTH put effort in and should share the appreciation. Talk to him again but frame it differently. Tell him you are proud of the amazing children you BOTH have raised and how BOTH of you did a very good job. And how BOTH of your contributions made that happen.
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