A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am very confused what to do about my situation and need some advice! I've been married for 3 yrs. in August and we have been together 5 yrs in August. I have been having issues with my in-laws since our bachelor and ette party...let me break it down...I invited my mother in-law to my party,she showed up at the house and away we went with my friends,everythig was going good until my husbands sister showed up with 3 of her friends.. anyway my friends wanted to go to another bar and my mother in-law wanted to wait for her daughter, so I asked them to just catch up with us at the other bar that we were going to, they said they would.. 2 hrs went by and I got a call from my uncle in law saying I should meet up with my soon to be husband cause his mother and sister and her friends decided to go to his bachelor party..I was very upset because they were supposed to be with me and what mother would go to her son's bachelor party? I got home later that nite to find 2 of his friends, his sister and 3 of her friends hanging out at my house while my husband was passed out on the couch.. a couple minutes later one of his sisters friends got on his lap and tried waking him up.. I as in shock cause if I wasnt I would have pulled her off him... hmm wonder what happened at his party? Anyway after she did that I told his mother I was upset and did not want that girl at the wedding.. so the day of the wedding this girl showed up at the reception and I wanted her to leave cause she was causing trouble... his mother then got upset and called me a f------ b---- on the dance floor at the wedding.. I am still very hurt about that but his parents wont talk to me about it. For Christmas I invited my mother and his family over for Christmas dinner I spent a small fortune on food well come to find out I guess his sister had to work christmas day and we planned to just have his mother, dad and sister over so she could give us her present and give her presents, So I was planning on just 3 people, anyway my husband told me at 4:30 that his parents asked his aunt, 3 cousins and one of the cousins girlfriends to come over.. didnt tell me till a half hour before. I went upstairs crying and his mother comes up stairs and was very rude asked me what my problem was and if we could act civilized for 2 hrs or so. My mother was also there cause she is from out of town trying to help me get a massive dinner together. I was upset, family was very divided, my husband sat with his family, me with mine, My husband will not stand up for me I asked him to talk to his parents and let them know that if they wanted to switch plans they could have called earlier... he would not say anything, finally cause of everything happening I told my husband that we either need to all sit down and try to work everything out or I couldnt live this way.. he still wont ask parents.. dont know what to do.. help
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female
reader, MrsTetzlaff +, writes (24 December 2010):
I would distance myself from him altogether. Get a divorce, you'll be better off. God does not condone mistreatment by family, for whatever reason.
If the husband will not stand by you and your personal choices or your preferences, then unfortunately, you probably should have never gotten married in the first place.
If you knew there was a woman sitting on his lap the night before you got married, then I would have called it all off there.
Do yourself a favor, the guys a jackass and agrees with his family, otherwise he would put his foot down and distance himself from their poor attitudes until they decided to show some consistency and respect for both of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Well the day came and went! My husband didn't say anything to his parents! He told me all week that he would talk to them and try to get them to come over and solve the problems we are having and try to put it in the past...He couldn't do it! I guess I knew all along he wouldn't come through, I guess I was hoping for him to wake up! Well I gave him a ultimatim cause I have to stick to my guns! If you have any advise for me I would love your input!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want the readers to know that his family wanted a small get together on christmas eve. and that was supposed to be with his mom,dad and sister..the big dinner was scheduled for christmas day. They invited everyone that was supposed to come christmas day over on christmas eve thats why I said food was wasted cause they were not coming for the big christmas day dinner, thats why I said I wasted alot of money! Also there have been many other situation where his parents just take over and step on my feet not asking before they do! I just had a baby with this man she's 4 months, His parents have not come over nor called me ..only their son..they have only seen our daughter 3 times since christmas. she was only 2 months @ christmas. I also gave my husband 2 weeks to decide if he wants to try and get his family together and to talk about things that have happened in the past and try to start new and if he is to weak to say something this time I told him I would not stay in the marriage living this..the family is totally separated and I don't want this to go on any further.My husband is afraid to say anything to his parents...I'm not asking him to denounce his parents as someone said I'm asking for him to stand up for him and I and I'm asking him to stand up for me! He couldnt even do it at the wedding...he just walked away. I need to feel more secure then what I have now..I don't feel like he could eve protect me.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (6 March 2010):
 I agree with you 100% and would have been very upset as well. The Christmas lunch is just a matter of courtesy and manners. Everyone knows that it is a special day and that you would have made a lot of effort with the food and the table etc and would have catered for the number of people you would have been told were coming. To add so many other people with half an hours notice is plain rude. What happens if you didn't have enough food to go around or your table wasn't big enough. It is a cruel and thoughtless thing to do. If you are like me an awful lot of effort would have gone into this meal and your ideal Christmas and plans would have been spoilt.
Rgarding your wedding day it is YOUR wedding day and you are perfectly entitled to say who comes and who doesn't. I cannot believe the cheek of the girl even turning up when she knew she wasn't wanted. I would have had her removed from the party immediately.
Personally I think unfortunately you have married a very weak man who does what Mummy says and that kind of chap never stands up to the mother ever. I was married to one once and she even when we were married picked out clothes for him to wear each day. I got to the stage where I ignored her every day because of the way she used to treat me and would go out if she ever came round. I don't think this is going to improve and it is either a case of grinning and baring it or getting out. You don't appear to be getting much support from him either. I think hard though it is you should consider cutting your losses before you have any children.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2010): THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!! Your i-laws are in the wrong here, but the root of the problem is not them, its your husband. You are his wife now and it is his duty to stand up for you and put his family in check! I know that you've confronted him before, but you must do so again and this time be very firm with him! Let him know that his passiveness about this is unacceptable and that if he wants your marriage to work, that he's gonna have to put his foot down!
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (5 March 2010):
I'm sorry dear but from what you have said, you sound very highly strung. When you are a married woman you have to learn to deal with pressure. Not like a teenage girl but as a woman. Firstly, you over reacted over the bachelor party issue which incidentally occurred 5 years ago. If his mother and sisters were there with him then I doubt nothing happened. Then rudely evicting a guest at your wedding is also unacceptable and childish behavior. So let it go. She was wrong to swear but you were acting irrationally too.
As for the Christmas dinner, again this is something that occurred 2 months ago. Nevertheless, as a woman with a home, you just have to think on your feet. Just because the perfect dinner you had planned had a slight adjustment that's no reason for you to crumble. You could have sent your husband to the grocery store to buy 2 roast chickens or phoned your mother in law to pass through and pick something up on her way. Even KFC arranged nicely on a platter with a sprig of parsely would have sorted out the problem. I can understand that it takes some adjusting to gain this experience but you have been married five years! How did rushing off to cry help the situation? All it did was create tension! Now you want a conference? And you are demanding that your husband denounces his family for what? Just relax a bit more and enjoy your marriage instead of adding unecessary stress on yourself.
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