A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi - i would be so grateful for advice as I am at the stage of walking out on my husband. For nearly all of our 8 year marriage (and 3 years prior) his family (specifically his parents) have disliked me. To start with they were not overly obvious - just back stabbing comments about my appearance, ridiculing my Dads job in a jokey (but not funny) way, making me feel awkward in social situations - many, many and varied snidey comments that brought me down and made me feel bad about myself. In addition my mother in law made over the top demonstrations of affection for my husband in front of me. After 4 years all this became too much and I was depressed. It caused a lot of arguments for me and my husband as he brushed it off and said I was too sensitive. Eventually he tried to speak to them and they denied they were doing anything wrong point blank. I tried appealing to them and pointing out I did not like being picked on and it led to a massive argument with his parents shouting me out their house and telling me I was a trouble maker. I felt increasingly lonely and isolated with these issues that took a toll on my self esteem. I decided to write to them as they did not want to listen. They wrote back in a tone that was as if they were 'above' me and basically said they were saddened by my attitude. They refused to accept what they were doing was wrong. Since this time I have reduced my attendance at my husbands family events to zero - which in itself causes my husband to resent me. The reason for me writing here is because he has begun to side with them more and more. He has begun to tell me it is all my fault and that maybe they are right that I am unsuitable, ugly, selfish etc etc. We have not had children yet, much of this is due to the very unsettled nature of our marriage. I have been accused of being too vain to bother having children, too old now (I'm 37) and a cold woman. None of this is true - all I have ever wanted is to be accepted into a family for who I am. The friends I have and my own family just cannot see why they dislike me so much. Every time my husband is due to visit his family he builds up with a pattern of hate towards me, then tells them how unhappy he is with me and then they slag me off and I get more abuse from him when he returns home. Though when he is back home after a few days he starts saying more positive things about me which I then hang on to with hope. I literally feel like I have to keep justifying my existence, promote myself the whole time and most recently they have actively encouraged him to seek divorce from me. The situation is making me feel quite ill physically and mentally - it feels like I am being emotionally punched. I have told my husband and he says it is all my fault for writing that 'pathetic' letter to his parents (which he read and agreed at the time and posted for me by the way). Yet the problems started a long long time before that. There seems to be no reasoning with him. To make matters worse I have very little support having moved 3 times in 5 years for my husbands job my friends are not nearby. My sister and I are not close and my mum is recovering from a serious illness so Dad is protective of me causing her stress with my situation. What should my next move be? I would be so grateful for any advice.
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depressed, divorce, my ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): I am going through exactly the same thing and have also reduced my visits to zero. Unfortunately this is going to be the end of my marriage as my husband now classes me as selfish and difficult. He too refuses to see that they pick on me and it is not funny and that I don't enjoy it. I too feel alienated but have grown used to the fact that for various reasons they don't like me and now sadly I don't care at all. Before this experience I had absolutely no idea how much family contact and visting meant to a man and that whatever the facts they would always side against you and go with their family's views. I don't think that there is anything more that you can do here, you have stated your case, written a letter, pleaded to their better nature and all to no avail. I would leave well alone from now on. I don't want to upset you or hurt you but I don't think this bodes well for the future and if I were you I would think about leaving the marriage. I can't imagine you would be comfortable in this situation and it isn't as if they have won over you they are just not nice people and it is best you keep away from them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): Strange!!. Which MIL - DIL relationship is without issues? It makes no sense to kill the marriage, because you could not deal in good ways well with MIL / FIL / SIL etc. ( for whome so ever wrongs - yours are theirs).
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (7 December 2011):
 Hunny if your husband was defending you and on your side ... I would tell you to ignore his parents totally! But it seems that he is siding with them. I think its healthier to move on. Seriously, life is too short to surround yourself with people who do not make you happy! When your very own husband starts to join the backstabbing team then its time for goodbyes xx
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (7 December 2011):
 For some people, what others say about them doesn't seem to matter in the slightest. For others, we just can't get past it.
For parents to actively undermine a child's marriage is not consistent with how I think people ought to behave. For a spouse to not stand up to his parents when they do that? Unforgivable.
Fortunately you don't have kids. Pack your bags and move on to a healthier place.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 Do you live near them? If not, then I would grow a thicker skin and ignore them. However, your husband's behavior is also really wrong - I don't think you can totally blame your depression on his family, but I can imagine being constantly belittled doesn't help.
Seems to me that you have absolutely no support in him, I also kinda question your feelings for him, as it, you are staying with him now because you think you have to.
Honestly, I would get out now. He is turning more and more abusive - obviously something he learned at home?
There is no RULE that says you have to stay and take the abuse. Get out, find what makes YOU happy and let him and his toxic family do whatever the "hay" they want.
I have to say this though, you writing them letters expression yourself is not going to make the situation better, only worse, you are mailing them ammo.
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