A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I am very unhappy with my current marriage. Let me just explain why...I really wonder why I have been married to my husband from the very beginning. The marriage isn't working from status, there has been arguments, fights and even throw and destroying of stuffs. Husband lives in his own world, he has his own business and I have been working there too even before marriage. Arguments exists in working area even before marriage, because of different point of view in handling issues...I have said that I didn't want to work there anymore and wanted to have my own work, but he threatened me with a break up and therefore I didn't really leave. I don't know why, may be I just don't want to hurt the relationship so I am not brave enough to leave, and besides work I feel him only want me to do things in his own accord...due to different values we always argue...not only work stuff, he would expect me to be with him and make him happy etc etc .....He proposed to me, and since he seems really sincere of "wanting me in his life" and he says he always think of me although the first time I rejected, after an argument the second time I agreed, I think i can just continue to be working on the relationship..but even before marriage I have a lot of doubts like if he cares for his company more than me..or cares himself more than me.Then we get married and things get worst as previously said. Besides work stuff now I also need to handle his family issues, he just can't deal with the bad relatioship between his parents and himself and I need to be in the middle to settle things ...I become increasing bad tempered due to arguments and I really dont' like how my husband handle his own life and need me "settle" everything for him including his family and his company...I can't even go out to meet friends etc since I am already using all my energy to handle his life. And due to this, husband wanted to prevent me from being bad tempered, and he does knows some times if he talks about things with me which I don't agree we get into arguments so he start not talk to me..I really wanted a child and husband says he wants too..but to my understanding our "desire" is just not the same.I want to pick up the responsibility and is "ready" for it but I feel my husband is just wanting to play with the child and finish a checkpoint in his life. I think he is not ready and did not agree to have a child yet although I really wanted it. I think the relationship is already bad and i wnated to fix it first and I tell my husband but he seems not understand that..In fact my husband then begins to text with others including other women. Although that is not really a very intimate texting they do discuss personal issues and the frequency is very often and even if I am going out with my husband he still keep that texting. I complained, he said he is not having an affair and did not really understand why this is a problem but the problem I feel is in fact why I am so emotionally detached with my husband. In fact one of the girls is even showing interest in him (she told him, and husband told me about this too)but husband keep the texting on going after that and only stopped after I complained reallly seriously for weeks.Finally I am just done with that and suggest divorce. Now husband says he understand how selfish he was and how inappropriate he was and will put more efforts..but I am really not sure as his past records are really not good. The problem is I have been reminding him about issues that I really feel bad all through these years but he is just indifferent to all of those. (Say I told him I really wanted to go out from the work, I will handover very nicely but he simply rejects the idea; I told him I am unhappy about the texting but he says he is not having affairs and why not ) I really cannot trust that he is going to change at all. I feel that my husband doesn't really love me...if he does , I feel he should not be that indifferent to be feelings. But I feel guilt of not giving him a chance also. However this kind of "chance" I have been giving a lot ...Thanks!Ph.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sweetwine  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 hey.... how are you?
i very well understand what you are going through...... not exactly this is what happend to me but some things makes me unhappy in my marriage life.......
firstly i would like to say only one thing that.... pls pls pls do not think of having a kid now when you and your husband are not settled yet mentally.... this marriage still has two destiny either to a successful one or to divorce so please having a baby now would ruin the baby's life.....
secondly i would like to say from a third person's point of view i feel its to some extend your at fault too..... he loves you ....some times men do not know how to handle situations at home and family....they think this is woman's job to maintain home and family..... so think positive this is a real man's attitude.....also if you are working .... and you manage the family too.. credit goes to you as well for doing a perfect job of a woman........
so knowingly or uknowingly you both are at right track except accepting eachother's view and understanding and respecting each other.....
take out some time for you i am sure you man wouldnt mind ... self grooming , excersice , or even a evening walk would make you feel better.... and soemtimes you should try to act as though nothign bothers you the way he behaves....then he would be knocked to look at the situation and ignore him for a while ... we are ladies we should take care of home and family true but first of all we should take care of ourself.... only then we can make others happy......
if he keeps texting .... to other female friends whom he says he is not having an affair then ....i think in this era men have female friends or vice versa you should take it normal ...as long as your position is safe and secured....even you can have new friends......
and best way is to talk to him....and make him understand ..... if he doesnt try to understand then next step you take is to... act like him..... treat him exactly the way he is treating you..... then he would understand how it feels .....even after all these he doesnt then i am sorry divorce is the way .....
but marriages are made in heaven.... dont wanna give it up.... why give the man a chance to talk and why make GOD feel that we arent following his command...........so give it a try and a chance........ i am also trying to give my marriage a chance ..... couple of months to a year.... lets see....
i pray for you and you too do pray for me ....tc
sorry if i have hurted you by any means....
regards
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): Thank you very much for your advice...the problem is, husband says he really loves me that he thinks about me everyday and is actually know that I am unhappy with all the issues (I told him) but just unable to handle...but I really doubt it, because I have too complain really serious to stop him from the texting (after months) and then he text another again so I really doubt if he cares for me..
Is that really love?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 December 2011):
 Whatever you do please do not bring a child in to this disaster of a marriage. I understand that you want a child but please you need to think about it rationally. Bringing a child in to this would make things twenty times worse. He does not treat you well, he does not care about how he makes you feel, and he is making you stay on to work for him, it sounds like you are his carer not his lover. You do not trust him, and I don't blame you.
You need to take control of your life and either stay in this horrible marriage and be unhappy or else get away, be independent, find your own job and your own place to rent and live your own life happily. He has already proven to you that he is not going to make you happy, and simple words like I will change does not mean anything, especially if you cannot trust him. Get out of the marriage and start your life from fresh. You should never have agreed to marry him in the first place if you where not completely sure.
I am sorry that you have wasted precious time investing in to this marriage, but you are not happy and it is not going to work. If you want to give it one last try well then the both of you need to go to couples therapy and talk about everything that is happening. Bring up everything that you feel and try and get some help, if not then I think it is time to say good bye.
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