A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am feeling lost. I met my current husband 4 years ago, We dated for 3 years and finally moved in together, December last year... We got engaged in june...but life has been terrible after that.We were happy when he used to come every weekend.But since we moved in together, life has been a real roller coaster rideHe has a child from a former relationship (8 years) old..and i have given birth to a child of our own, now 2 years.However we moved into his home, he has a sister in his boys quarters.He and the sister dont get along.The house is theirs, but its a gift from the parents...so each one of them has a full right to the house, but knowing the economy of today, we a lucky to have a house, where we don't pay rent.I am lost because , first and fore most ..am a loner ...and i feel like he's making me want to accomodate all these people in his life, which include a friend..who is there every day of the week - his sisters house help...who thinks she should look after his daughter ..His 4 constant friends who visit him at least 4 times a weekHis sister..who has made it clear our presence she detests...So here i am,...with my daughter and house help ...and i feel totally lost ....My sister in-laws house help...has taken over the duties of looking after my step daughter...my step daughter will sleep at her place and all her clothes are at that ladies place..Though sometimes it feels like she is helping me...i right now feel like she is taking over my responsibilitiesI must add, that house help has been in the family for ages, she raised my husband....She was not able to give birth..so she stayed around...She is also looking after my sister inlaw's daughterThe family is way too big for me to have any sort of control
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 September 2015):
 I think your husband should have some say in how much he wants to be the father, and you the mother of your step daughter. That lady is clearly jealous of you but your husband is letting her be the surrogate mother. The situation can only be improved if your husband has the motivation to save up and get a house himself. If he really loves you he would not make you pay the price of happiness in exchange for convenience.
You 2 may be incompatible. You said he wants you to accommodate all these people. He's from a big family while you are used to more privacy. You need to express to him that this arrangement is not what you signed up for. I don't think control is what you need for happiness, but at least good attitude and being able to get along. I suspect his sister and your husband have a strange dynamic. She's deep set in her ways so talking to her won't do any good. I believe for a healthy marriage, the loyalty should be towards the spouse, no matter how much the siblings had done to help each other.
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