A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts,I'm 28 years old and have been married for two years. I'm an only child of my family and very close to my parents. On the other hand my husband comes from a very big, close knitted family. He has 5 siblings and they all are very close. They are good to me too. My hubby is also close to his uncles, aunts and cousins.My issue is some of his relatives are very mean. They dont greet me(not even a hello) when we meet. They just plainly ignore me. I'm quite friendly with everyone and this has happened to me several times. I find it insulting. My husband and i are in medical field. So they call my husband and ask for help all the time. I don't mind my hubby helping them out. But why do they ignore me? I'm well educated, friendly with everyone and from a good family. Also most of them dont visit us at all though we pay visits to them on every important occassion. This is quite painful to me. My husband tells me to ignore them and not to think about them at all. But its hard to ignore as they call my husband oftenly. They only call when they need some help.my hubby doesnt seem to mind at all. He tells me not to expect anything from anyone. But how could they call and ask help from my husband when they dont even look at me when we meet? Pls help me Aunts. Am i being weird about this? Its eating me alive. My blood starts to boil when they call. But most of the time i dont say anything to my husband as i dont want him to think im evil not wanting him to help others when they are in need. I have even startd to hate them. Sorry for the long post.pls help me.
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female
reader, magicpianos  +, writes (29 August 2016):
 Ugh, in-laws. Issues like this are the cause of so many headaches.I think you've received some great advice so far. The only thing I would add to what has already been said is to continue being pleasant, approachable, and respectful, like you have been. Eventually, the walls will come down and as you start to feel more and more like a permanent fixture in the family, they will come to view you as they view him, and maybe even open up to you as well.Don't stoop to their level, as hard as that may feel. My husband and I have been married for almost two years, but we've been together for six years, and it was tough for me with his family at first. They were obviously not interested in being "infiltrated by a newcomer" (which his sister actually said to me once). But once it became clear that I was there to stay, the defences dropped and I was accepted as part of the family. The same may be true for you. It just might take a little patience and endurance. :)
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 August 2016):
 Just learn to ignore them. It's their loss that they don't like you. You've tried being friendly, now play it cool and stop being nice to them when you meet them. Sometimes people suffer from a terrible complex and what you see is a reflection that. Let them call your husband, you can't stop them from doing that. Just blank them out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2016): You have to grow a thicker skin. You don't let people change who you are, regardless of their bad behavior. If they are calling for medical advice, it may be embarrassing or they just want to speak to the one particular person who has their confidence and trust. If they are rude and ignore you, so what? Do you really require their validation and approval? You will not have privy to family secrets, and medical issues are personal. You don't always share them with in-laws. They may only need more time to become acquainted with you.
You will always meet rude and unfriendly relatives, on both sides. You inherited his family, they were not born to you.
When people come to my house with others, they will acknowledge me at the door; or that's where they stand until they do. I say hello, tell them I'm glad to see you, how are you? If there is no response, I'll ask if everything is okay; or they remain at the door until we establish everything is fine. Yes, I stand there put them on the spot. They don't just walk past me. No one in my household will allow their relatives to treat me that way. They'll catch the hell for it. You were mealy-mouthed to your husband about it, so he dismissed you. Address it firmly. Insist you will no longer tolerate it.
Your husband should make sure his folks treat his wife with respect, and be cordial to the hostess. They are guests. It isn't something he should dismiss just because he doesn't want to rock the boat.
It ruffles my feathers when people write about spouses and partners who witness blatant disrespect from relatives towards their significant others; and just shrug it off. Then when confronted about it, they make you look as though you're being foolish. I would let him know, I will leave when they come. I will offer them no welcome. It's my home too. Let him chew on that. Sometimes people have to take you seriously, or they don't listen. You have a legitimate concern, but only to a point. Being over-sensitive is not their problem, that's yours.
You do seem oversensitive to this, I must say. I think you're needing their approval; but when people are seeking free medical advice they have a one-track mind. Their focus is not to be social, they want answers. They want it from a trusted source.
If they are blunt and discourteous, you can tell them you'll relay the message. If it's a medical emergency they should call the emergency number, or consult their personal physicians. If your husband doesn't like that, tell him why you did it. He apparently feels your concerns have no merit.
If they want to get messages passed on, show some courtesy. Either he backs you up, or you take matters into your own hands. You can't make people like you, you just show kindness to everyone. Respect may sometimes require actions that demand it.
If he'll have the gall to turn you for defending yourself; he had better grow the stones to do the same with his rude relatives. You are his partner and his woman. All should acknowledge this. However; you aren't seeking approval and validation. You deserve decency, courtesy, and respect when people call or come to your home. That's simple manners.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (28 August 2016):
 This might not be about you personally. I am not familiar with Sri Lankan culture but I am guessing that the older generation do not mix with the younger generation. In Canada, there's equality in sexes, age, class. Everyone is treated politely. You can basically make friends with anyone here. I guess in a culture where there is a clear divide in hierarchy, their not saying hello to you is a message that they are not interested in having anything to do with you. It had been this way for generations and they are not comfortable in changing their tradition. You might think that getting a doctoral degree may mean that you have some voice in the family but apparently, years of tradition and mind condition means the gap is hard to bridge.
I doubt family members have medical issues every single day. Maybe they call him just to get a hold of him, and to maintain connection. They also had been young before. They put up with cold treatment from elders and now they are doing this to you. They feel entitled to steal time from your husband. Someone has got to end this cycle.
Still, your husband can stand up to you. He takes a break answering questions on the phone and he should tell them any time they have a question, they come to you instead.
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