A
female
age
41-50,
*nsure4now
writes:the bottom line question is Where do I go with my marriage and how much more do I put up with? So here is the background leading into that questionMy husband and i have been together for 10 years and 9 of them have not been easy. The first was a breeze because I did not know too much of the crap he was involved in. We dealt with the first 6 years and his troubled life by taking the step to seek marriage counseling. he has given up the things he was involved in and has stopped drinking. The alcohol was a large problem in itself but he been sober for almost 4 years. Well now the hardest thing to talk about in therapy was sex. Everytime the topic was brought up a fight would begin. Both of us were sexually abused as kids but we both went different directions on handling it. he became the very sexually active type and I the very cautious type. So our sex drive levels are on completely different ends of the spectrum. He is very verbal about sex and does not have a problem making offensive or using harsh language when it comes to sex. I am not a prudesh person by all means but he likes to use vulgar descriptions at all times. Really? Where does that say "Oooh you really know how to turn a girl on" with vulgar language ALL THE TIME. Almost every conversation has to do with sex or will end up on a sexual topic. He has told me that my being molested as a child has made me dysfunctional with sex because I do not initiate it with him or go hunting him down for it. I have talked to my counselor about things but she said I am not abnormal and I am handling being molested fine. Now him, he is completely addicted to porn. Just last night he went to bed at 1 am and at 6 this morning he was still watching it. When he watches it at that lenght of time it makes him start obsessing about the things that happened to him as a kid with his mother and aunt- very gross stuff, but he does not want to accept the connection that he starts to obsess and contact them. he thinks that he can entrap them and get them to admit what they did to him. So, by now you are wondering why i asked the question at the beginning. All the crap I have put up with before counseling has had its toll on us be we have dealt, his inability to be financially responsible is wearing on me. We are a single income family- ME and he takes care of the kid- about it and we live paycheck to paycheck and sometimes borrowing on the next one. The problem here is he does not want to have anything to do with the bills but when I have to tell him we do not have the money to do something or give him extra he starts a fight with me and starts to tell me that I do not care about him, i am holding him back from going out, dont want to fill his medication and tries to pull the guilt trip on me of saying that he doesnt ask for much or go anywhere. I am stressed and more stressed. But then there is the aspect of the sex problem. Any move that I feel is significant on my part of initiation is not good enough for him. We did not have sex for 2 days and blamed that on why he had to watch porn all night. He actually used the term "need to watch it". It seems as though every effort I make is not good enough for him and he just puts another hoop out in front of me and when I make that hoop something was not good enough for him. I need to try harder or faster. But i really feel that I am stuck in this marriage. I cannot afford to put my kid in day care and still be a single income. When I get home from work I am tired but then I end up doing homework with my son or housework that he did not do. I have also considered taking on a second job but the only thing that is holding me back is the amount of time i will be missing with my son. As of right now I only get to see him from 5:30ish to 8 if he goes to sleep as he is supposed to and would hate to lose more time with him. I know what question you are going to ask "why doesnt your husband get a job" 1) he has been diagnosed with bipolar and PTSD and is still dealing with his these issues and being paranoid at the same time of people watching him. 2) not a great track record when it comes to jobs. Longest job about 9 months. So i am about stretched and stressed to my limits. How much porn is too much? Why does he keep belittling me and trying to make me jump through hoop after hoop?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): I've had PTSD diagnosed on me too...
Now... he's been sexually abused. Sexual abuse is a common cause of PTSD.
I needed some extra tolerance when I was suffering from my effects of PTSD, I really did.
Now, that doesn't mean anyone with PTSD has the right to skip responsibilities. It doesn't seem like he's in charge of his situation. He may be unable to be so. That doesn't mean he has any right to treat you badly. He tries to avoid blame by attacking you constantly - this is highly negative for your entire family.
Given that he doesn't seem to try to improve his situation, it's unlikely the family's situation will improve. It's sadly highly likely it will keep getting worse. The fact that he's obsessively watching porn is to me a sign that he's still controlled by his illness.
If you dumped him your costs for housing, food and clothes could be reduced, you sure you couldn't handle keeping only one job and having the son in daycare?
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 How long since he has been diagnosed? Is he on medication? As he is unemployed due to a mentall illness he should be offered some financiel help from the government, at least I believe he is entitled to. But I am not sure how it is from state to state, have you looked that up?
I believe that your son is suffering from this too. Growing up with a father with bipolar personality disorder, I should know. Your husband is by all likelihood treating your son the exact same way he is treating you. If not you are lucky. But my father could not distinguish between an adult and a child, and growing up he held me just as responsible as any adult would be. And his anger, like your hurband, is unjustified.
Have you gotten help with how to deal with his disorder? Have you gone to the doctors together? He needs to take medication. If he can not improve I am sorry but I must adivce you to reconsider the marriage and file for divorce. He is not well and this is not a good home for your child to grow up in. I dreaded the time I had to spend with my father and growing up I had no feelings of affection towards him. Your son might feel the same resentment towards his father as you do. And without doubt your son is feeling the same pressure and stress you do, he hears the fights, he knows theres little money, he will feel the stress as well.
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A
female
reader, Just Diana  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 I am so sorry to read of your plight. I think this relationship is fraught with abuse. My advice to you would be to get a divorce, apply a no contact rule there after and try to rebuild and reclaim YOU. I ordinarily would not offer up divorce as a option, however, .....for heavens sake it really is time to be kind to YOU!!!!
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