A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:2 years ago I moved in with my boyfriend (we have now been together 5 years) and he owns the house. I pay half of the mortgage but it is as rent, I have no legal claim to the property. I also pay half the utility bills and taxes.However I have/do not:a) paid any deposit on the houseb) pay any repair bills/ home improvementsc) buy any of the furnitured) do not have any financial responsibility to keep up payments if my circumstances change (unemployment etc)e) I do some of the cooking and cleaning, but he does more than halfI actually believe it is fair to pay 'rent' to my boyfriend as I would be paying rent if I lived somewhere else. But my problem is: half of the mortgage is actually twice as much as I would be paying if I was renting a place. I am paying some (not all, see above) the cost of being a homeowner but without the benefits.If my boyfriend was in a good financial position at the moment I would expect him to pay a greater percentage of the mortgage and me to pay market-value rent. However, with the recession my boyfriend has suffered quite badly and I know he cannot afford to do this right now. He does, however have a great potential for making money and in the future he will almost certainly be able to pay the difference, so that I only pay the market-value. This may however take several years, and in the meantime I will be paying double the rent I would be without him.Our relationship is very strong and I see us being together for the long term. Marriage however is not on the cards. My boyfriend is strongly opposed to marriage and I am not that bothered by marriage unless we decide to have children, which is not on the cards at the moment.In the past, when my boyfriend was richer I had some financial benefits. However, I have never been a paid woman. Neither of us believe that the man should pay for everything, even though he was making a lot more money than I was.Now is a dearth period for him and I am paying more than I can really afford to carry him through it. But this is what relationships are like, right? Helping each other for better and for worse?Or am I being naive and being ripped off? This is a very difficult situation as what is best for my finances is not what's best for my relationship. Every thing else about our relationship is perfect, we are deeply in love, after being together for 5 years and he fulfils all my emotional needs.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): Since you are Australian "I have no legal claim to the property" isn't right. The Family Law Act recognises you and he as being in a de facto relationship as (1) you have been living in a domestic relationship for more than two years and (2) you are making a substantial financial contribution to their property.
If -- god forbid -- you do separate you should consult a solicitor, who will then negotiate a division of the joint property (which would include the house, since you contributed to it). A good summary is "De facto property division" on familyrelationships.gov.au.
If you are paying a share of the mortgage but feel you lack a formal acknowledgement of your share of the asset, then remember that there is no stamp duty on mortgage transfers between domestic partners. This is to allow for circumstances where partners want to move from single to couple ownership. There is a downside, you would also be committing yourself paying the entire mortgage if your partner could not make the payments. At the moment you get a share of the mortgaged property upon separation (reflecting at least your contribution to the investment), but have no liability for the mortgage.
None of this helps with your problem -- whether you should pay half of the mortgage or a lesser amount. But you do appear to be operating under a misunderstanding that domestic and financial matters can be kept distinct -- this is not the way family law works in Australia.
As for your original question, there is no right answer. Some couples are happiest running as a commonwealth -- all the money goes into a pot. Other couples are happiest running almost as a business, with strict accounting for joint costs and investments. In my experience the choice isn't as reflective of the strength of the relationship as you first might think.
Your problem is that you fall between the stools. You are paying as if the two of you are in business, but there is no matching allocation of assets. Whilst your relationship continues to be successful the only way to sort out your feelings of being hard done by is to reach an agreement with your boyfriend and then sort out the paperwork to match. That can only be done by discussing it with him. I mentioned family law above only so that the two of you don't have misunderstandings of the legalities -- whatever the mortgage says the house is now joint property.
I imagine such a discussion might begin by reviewing how the two of you want to conduct your financial matters, pointing out that the current arrangements leave you unhappy because of feeling hard done by. Noting that finance discussions are best done rather emotionlessly, almost as if it were another couple being discussed.
Finances are one of the major reasons for relationship breakdown, so for your relationship to continue to be successful the two of you need to find a way to discuss them that works for you.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Hey, Im in kinda the similar situation as you. I want you to think about something. Your boyfriend could also be renting somewhere else and have a lot less to pay! But he bought a house and you willingly moved in. If you rented somewhere would it be a house with your boyfriend? Would renting a house really be cheaper than owning one, in the long run? As the mortgage goes down so will your rent. And the price you are paying I dare say IS market value, for a house of your size and location. You could have rented something cheaper and smaller for sure, but you aren't.
If the house is too much for your boyfriend to handle, he shouldn't have bought it, and its not fair that you should pay more simply because he made a bad decision in buying a house. But on the other hand, no one forced you to move in with him, and he could have been stuck paying for everything alone.
Bottom line is: why shouldnt you pay? If you want to live with him the this is the cost! Babies aren't exacly cheap either but people still have them. And living together isn't always cheaper either, but people still value it enough to want to do it. You made your choice to live with him and then I think it is fair that you pay your half of the bill as agreed upon. If you couldnt afford it you shouldn't have moved in with him, right?
This is how couples operate.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): You say your relationship is strong but if its so strong than why haven't you discussed any of this with him? And if you have, how come you guys didn't come to a fair resolution?
No, I see nothing fair about this arrangement. You pay half his mortgage, twice as much as you would pay in rent, and you are getting nothing in return. Hey if you guys want to go 50/50 that's fine more power to you. But this isn't 50/50 because he is getting back all the money that you are putting in...that's not 50/50.
People in "strong" relationships talk about this sort of thing when its happening. I don't know, since your relationship is so strong go right up to him and tell him that you don't think this is fair and suggest a better solution.
What is that you want anyway? Do you want to live with him? Do you see yourselves together for a very long time, maybe even forever? If so you two should figure out a better living arrangement that works out for the both of you. Like if you are going to keep paying half the mortgage you should at least own half the house minus whatever he put down. However, if you guys don't have long term plans, then look at it as a temporary thing and start looking for your own place.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (23 April 2010):
 Why do I feel like this Q has something to do with the one in the following link????
If, so, ...are you really that bored? If not, sorry lol - but hey maybe some answers on that threas will give you some things to ponder. :-)
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-start-charging-my-boyfriend-rent.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): 'Now is a dearth period for him and I am paying more than I can really afford to carry him through it. But this is what relationships are like, right?'
I do think you're right with this statement. Relationships should not be about 'who owns what'. In fact, I firmly believe that for a relationship to be close and healthy, there can be no 'mine' and 'yours'. There should only be 'ours'. It sounds to me that you need to sit your boyfriend down and talk about how you share out financial responsibilities, to make sure that you reach an agreement that is fair and happy for both of you.
As you wisely say, people's lives have ups and downs. If your boyfriend can't afford to pay so much now because he's broke, you helping him out is the caring, loving thing to do. I'm sure he'd do the same for you if the situation were reversed. That's not being ripped off - that's being a great girlfriend.
However, this also applies to the mortgage. This is clearly a long term relationship and that means that you should have a stake in the house. There are many ways that you can work around the situation you have. You could just divide everything you already have 50/50. Or you can get joint mortgages that specify how much of the house you own, so if your boyfriend put in a deposit of 10% of the house's value and had paid off 8% of the mortgage before he met you, he might own 68% of it, and you might own the other 32%. You guys should talk to banks and/or a good lawyer and see what solutions are available to you!
You can also make agreements, dividing belongings in the event that you do split up. I know this might strange, and a bit doomy (like making a will for the relationship). But I have known it to be very effective in cases where couples have split up, because it provides clarity, with the result that ridiculous claims and counter-claims are excluded. Your boyfriend could lay claim to the furniture he's already bought in the event of a breakup, and anything that you buy in future can be jointly paid for and owned.
Finally, housework. I do believe that this should be shared equally with other jobs. However, I also think that circumstances should be taken into account. If one person in a relationship works a 70 hour week, and the other a 20 hour week, of course the housework should not be equally divided! I also think it's important to avoid draining, petty arguments about who takes out the trash. Doing housework and pulling your weight should be part of what you do in a relationship to care for the other person, not something either party resists or tries to get away with. No-one likes cleaning the toilet or unblocking the drains, but doing these things for each other as a mark of their respect and love is much more efficient and happy than arguing about who does them!
It sounds like you guys have a great relationship, and I'm sure that you can come to an agreement on this. Good luck!
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