A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I really need some help regarding my husband's behviour towards me in front of our son. It is really distressing me and upsetting me and I don't know whether to stay or leave or what on earth to do. Sometimes he makes me feel as though I am mad or something and he even calls me a 'mad bitch'! I met him when I was 18 and we got married when I was 19 and he was 24 and we've been married for nearly 11 years and we have a two year old son. It took me a long time to get pregnant because my husband has a low sperm count so he had to go on medication etc and finally, we had our son. The problem is my husband puts me down a lot, including making comments in front of our small son. One example includes him saying 'mummy's got shit for brains ha ha' when we were out at the park and we wer camcording our son on the swings and I took the camcorder to film and couldn't quite work it so he started laughing and making the 'shit for brains' comments as a 'joke'!!! A few minutes later he saw me looking upset and said, again jokingly, 'u alright babe?' and I said 'no' cos I just didn't see how it was funny. The other thing is that he is very controlling and he doesn't really trust anyone or me! I usually go out for a drink or meal with a friend on Friday evenings and one evening he spied on us to see what we were up to. Then another time I was walking to the bus stop to get to work and I bumped into a male colleague (I am a nurse) and I saw he had followed me....I was upset and spoke to my manager at work about it and she said she thought that was a bit 'creepy'. He also undermines my job and reduces my nursing saying 'oh go and clean people's bottoms or whatever it is you do'!!I feel so unhappy and actually, ironically i DO feel like going to another man for comfort not because I am untrustworthy but because I feel he is driving me to it. If I try to talk to him he either laughs or gets annoyed and calls me a 'stupid bitch' or walks off in temper! I desperately need some advice?? Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 March 2010):
 Next time he calls you names and insults you, tell him he deserves better, he doesn't need to stay with you and put up with you.
This was 4 years ago. I told my abusive ex that he should look for someone smarter, more independent and motivated than me and he said he would, after looking confused for a second. But at other times he would tell me don't let me go, I always look at you as my life time parter.
After you realize all this time he's really talking shit, you'd have the courage to leave him.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 March 2010):
 Here.. I found you some links, I want you to read them and understand exactly what is going on in your relationship.
Emotional Abuse: http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm
Symptoms: http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/links.html
Solutions: http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 March 2010):
Your husband has very low self esteem, he dosen't think much of himself. He's terrified you will find out one day that he's not much of a man or a human being, he actually hates himself. The way he deals with this is to keep putting you down. As long as your the person who "cleans shit for a living" or the silly woman who has "shit for brains", he can feel safe in his inadequate manhood.
Of course this can't go on, you were wrong to allow it to continue for so long. He dosen't take your complaints seriously, he can't, he needs you to feel inferior, so he can feel superior. I have a feeling that he dosen't actually like women.
Anyway what can you do. I guess leaving is impossible. This is not a problem that can be solved quickly. YOU are the person who needs to change, you need to learn how to stop accepting abusive treatment, you need to learn to stand up for yourself. I recommend you go to marriage counselling. He probably won't go with you, but it's alright you can go alone. Tell him that you've had enough and your going to talk to a professional, tell him that he's destroying you and will eventually destroy your son. Your son will continue to carry out this abuse and will have bad relationships with women in the future. Speak to your health visitor or your doctor about accessing counselling. This has gone on long enough.
PEOPLE TREAT YOU THE WAY YOU ALLOW THEM TO. If you want more respect then you need to punish him (preferably by leaving him) every time he treats you with disrespect.
If he or you don't change, you'll either have a nervous breakdown, you'll have an affair or one day you'll leave and run away. What your husband is doing is abusing you, this is a bad case of emotional abuse. Stop trying to please him, start pleasing you and demanding respect for yourself. Go to a counsellor as soon as you can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010): Put your foot down he is treating you with no respect. His attempts at putting you down is to control you. He is manipulative, whether he admits to it or not. Do not let him get to you! Demand your respect!
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