A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I met my now husband 6 years ago and he kept asking me to marry him, eventually we got married 3 years ago.about 12 months ago i received a couple of letter at work telling me to ask my husband about his affair, as he did not go out at night or weekends without me i just thought it was a sick joke. then i arrived at work a few weeks ago to find a message on my answer machine from the women he was having an affair with telling me all the graphic detail. i went home and he addmitted it had been going on since just after we had started going out together 6 years ago, as you can imagine i was devastated.he wanted to just sweep it under the table, i found out that she wanted him to move in with her but he refused, then she sent me all the text message he had sent her, telling her how much he loved her and what great sex they had. with me he has never been very good with sex and i just put it down to his age and it being a man thing, i never said anything about it to him because i didnt want to hurt his pride, how stupid does that make me. He says he does not know what he wants or if he loves me.i hate him for what he has done but yet i love him so much. i have lost so much weight, cannot sleep and i feel as if i am living on a knife edge. financially nether of us can move out. i just dont know what to do anymore
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank everyone for their answer but feel I must reply to the Anonymous Male
What makes you think it was me that did not like or want sex,I have TRIED most things to please him(a three some is something I would not do and it was never suggested). My husband could only occassionally get an errection, which he has just gaven me the excuse that it was a metal block when it came to having sex with me and he does not know why, I had never asked him before and I just assumed he could not do it because this was how he had always been and because of his age (63)and I have never made any kind of derogatory comments about it because I did not want to hurt him or his man pride, I care about peoples feelings.
I have seen her and apart from being a few years younger than me everyone cannot understand what he see's in her (their comments not mine)she is 47 and has been married 3 time already. I thought being a women I knew how women's minds work, but what women would continue seeing a man when he is marrying someone else, she obviously has no respect for herself or anyone else.
As for being visually pleasing, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and for your information I am blonde,slim and take pride in my appearance, When my husband proposed one of the things he said at the time was, he wanted to marry me because I was fun to be with and beautiful as well, but lets be honest what man would marry someone that they did not find visually pleasing
So I am afraid your theory is way off mark.
My husband has been married once before and had a live in relationship with another woman and has committed adultery numerous time on these people, his family told me, he had told them, he was marrying for love this time (when he married me)I now realise his is just a born adultery
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (7 October 2010):
 To anonymous male - So what if this woman may have fulfulled his needs that perhaps were not fulfilled by the poster. Why does that give him the right to be completely deceitful and entirly selfish? Polyamory is one thing when all parties concerned are agreed on the set up from the beginning, believe in the concept and take on responibilities for their own potential feelings of jealousy and hurt. It is entirly different when one partner is deceiving someone who believes in monogamy, who is being an entirly faithful wife as was agreed in their vows. Why should he be entitled or forgiven for having 2 partners in order to fulfil all of his wants and needs? No relationship with anyone will ever fulfil all of your needs all of the time. That's life! You are meant to learn to be a responsible adult and deal with it! Whether that is by having multiple relationships or not is your choice. But thats your choice, and not something you should force on anyone else. This woman took her vows with this man, and he has completely disreguarded them in order to have his own way, to have his cake and eat it. In my personal opinion, no reason is enough to excuse that. Dishonesty of any kind is intollerable to me. I can, however understand how it is possible to forgive someone cheating. I just could not do that myself, if I were in this lady's situation.To the poster, I really feel for you, to be confronted with such a big secret must have come as a terrible shock. You must feel like your world has been pulled out from under you, and you must be questioning so much about your life at the moment. Only you can decide where you go from here, with or without your partner. I don't wish to impose my views on you. If you believe you love this man enough to work through this, whatever way you can, I wish you all the luck in the world. But I just don't want you to have to go through any more pain than you already have. Although it would be hard to separate, at least once you move on, you will not be reminded daily of the hurt you have been put through. You can completely move on and start a fresh. If this man can live a lie for that long, could you ever trust him? I don't think wanting complete honesty from a partner, reguarding faithfulness, is asking too much. I really don't.Sorry to rant! Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): There's a lot to respond to, and I don't think it's as cut and dry as others say.Obviously for whatever reasons he wants to be with you more, he refused to leave you and chose you as his first mate and her as the second.When you say the sex wasn't good, you mean to say you didn't enjoy the sex, but did he enjoy it with you.It's also entirely possible there's something about the sex that you either can't provide or perhaps early on you shot down some sex act that was something that was very important to him, and because she would be willing to do it, he kept her around to satisfy that need that you couldn't or wouldn't provide.I would talk further with him and ask him without getting emotional, find out if there are things you might do to satisfy him so that you can be the only one (if you ultimately feel that as long as he becomes faithful to you only, that you want to still be with him).Also have you seen this other women, I don't want to be hurtful but is it possible she provides something from a visual perspective that he likes that you cannot physically provide for him? I know that is not something you want to hear, but it is just one of the additional possibilities.Though in my experience, most of the men who cheat long term with one person (rather than multiple cheating partners) is someone who wants to be faithful but can't seem to get full satisfaction from either party fully so he/she splits their time between the two to fulfill his needs.You have 3 options, one is to break it off and try to start over.two is to find out what it is she provides and see if you can do the same (maybe he likes some freaky sex act that you made fun of early on so he was never confident enough to tell you, so now he feels he can't share those things with you, try and not be judgmental about whatever he tells you, men have very strange interests sometimes but if you support that, it may lead to a solid monogamous relationship, just try and be open to what he says when you ask him, and (if you mean it) tell him you will try out other things if that will satisfy his needs.three, you can go back to the way things were. If your marriage was happy, everything seemed peaceful and you had a good life, you can always go back to pretending you dont' know. This is NOT my advice, but it is an option, if it "worked" for you then maybe that will give you the best happiness in the long run, as long as she is to understand that she not contact you anymore about it and know that she comes second to you.That last options is not for everyone by a long stretch, but there is a reason that many people choose to live in a polyamorous relationship. Sometimes being open about it is better than the alternative. Perhaps she is actually a good person stuck in the same spot you are except knowing the whole time about you and also not knowing how to feel. If you were to ever meet her, perhaps you'd like her as a person and get along outside of this issue. In fact the fourth option (which from how you sound, you wouldn't be able to handle, but I think it's better that you be informed of all the options), is to form a relationship with this woman and perhaps join together. You say you can't afford to move out, well if she were to be part of the family she would be able to provide financially too, strengthening the finances and satisfying this man's needs whatever they are, while giving you a safe environment where he's not out sneaking around because everything is out in the open and talked about.Anyway those are my thoughts, try and talk to him openly about at least some of what I've said and see where that takes you.Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (7 October 2010):
I agree with the others. Do not let anyone treat you like this. You are a good person and deserve so much more. Respect is the minimum. He has shown you none and deserves none.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 October 2010):
For me, that's an instant divorce, and he has to move out. Period. You may not think you have the money to move, but a rented room is better than losing all dignity by spending your time in the same place as a man who has treated you this APPALLINGLY. Please don't do what so many women seem to do, which is to settle for the lowest of the low either for financial reasons, or major self confidence issues. Be strong and kick his ass out.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (7 October 2010):
 make him move out- demand it of him.
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