A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Things haven't been going well with my husband these past few months; lockdown's been very stressful.He's been ranting about everything.Getting up in the morning? He's ranting.Having breakfast? It turns into a rant about the cereal industryWorking from home? He got kicked off Zoom sessions for ranting and angry rants about women, obese people and fast foodsOur teenage daughter, Jenny, 16 (not real name)? He rants at her about every single thing, even her gender saying he wished she'd been born a boy; he even told her she won't be entitled to family fortune when she dies.Having dinner at night? Non-stop rants; so bad me and Jenny have to eat elsewhere in the houseGoing to bed at night? He's ranting.Money issues? He's ranting about everything to do with money and claims I don't earn enough (but I'm from a wealthy background... but I don't really like to advertise this, I grew up with this as a moral)My mom complained he once rang her just to make rants that were fairly racist and had crude jokes about black women in bikinis (she said she didn't want to repeat them).This is not normal for him; lockdown should be stressful for me, but I've somehow learnt to cope.Working from home is nothing new for me, it's not a novelty, I have to sometimes, but I mostly travel for work and don't have an office, I'm a freelancer.I don't know where my husband's gone, it's as if the nice guy I knew has been taken over by someone else.Talking to him should be the solution, but it'd only get more ranting and raving.I've never been in this situation, and I worry that I'll have to flee if his temper gets worse.It doesn't help that he's been drinking from 10am until 8pm some days; one day he was so drunk he passed out on our driveway in just a T-shirt and boxer shorts and my friends told me that they'd seen video footage of it on social media.I love my husband but am now questioning it; I'm even wondering if he married me for my money.As it is, I'm even thinking of moving back to Canada with Jenny and starting from scratch (dual citizenship for us both, good thing eh?) when the coronavirus dies down.I don't know how to cope with the whole thing and this anger issue is causing me so much concern I'm worried I'll have a heart attack.Please help mePaula (not my real name, for privacy)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2021): Wait, you mention the drinking almost as an ASIDE? There's your problem - he's an alcoholic. Tell him to stop drinking in the next 5 weeks or you're leaving him. And do it. You can always get back together if he cleans up his act later, but alcohol will always be his problem if he's drinking that much. No one should have more than 1 drink a day, and for him - NONE.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 January 2021):
 Hi Paula, I noticed something about your post. You are a good writer!
In your case, the best way to handle your husband is to write him a letter! He can read it when he sobers up and can’t talk over you and interrupt you in your writings. Right now lockdown is making him insane and he’s losing his grip on coping. Many of us with partners and loved ones have talked them off a cliff so to speak. We trade places on who is strong and who is losing it.
In your case, write him that note and put all the love you can into it. Instead of attacking and accusing him, ask him to join your side and fight against the lockdown craziness together. The two of you should see a therapist both together and separately. Your husband needs to have a professional disarm his emotional grenades.
The alcohol abuse is related but another matter. He has to address that because your daughter shouldn’t be around it. I’m guessing he is even more miserable about it than you are. After he reads your letter to him, tell him you’ll stand with him to find a way to cope without the bottle.
If he is willing to listen, this may be a turning point. Then I suggest polishing off your masks and taking some walks in the fresh winter air. There’s nothing like the outdoors to reassure someone that things are going to be alright.
You need to take some time to yourself too. Instead of going full separation, you and your daughter shoul take a vacation. Find a place to get away that’s not affected by lockdown and take a breather for a few days. Your husband had always been a renter but your emotional caretaking fuel tank is running on fumes! Time to recharge your battery!
Good luck! Let us know what you do!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2021): Typo corrections:
"Your family may be able to afford to pay for a temporary rental someplace; until you can figure things out."
"Your mother knows the deal!"
"Contact your spiritual-ministry leadership; if you ascribe to a faith and belief."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2021): I'm so sorry for what you and Jenny are going through, Paula! Some people aren't coping well with covid confinement, and some are tripping-out in the worse way! Even trying to reason with some people tends to be a challenge; but don't delude yourself, some of this is your husband showing his true colors. When people don't reason, you offer them ultimatums. I didn't say idle-threats. You have to set boundaries and consequences, and mean them. They have to be verbalized and clearly asserted, with no beating around the bush!!! If you're afraid to confront him, then leave! Remove your daughter from this environment! Alert your family of an emergency! It seems serious!
Inform him with no uncertainty, that if the behavior is not controlled; you will be forced to leave him! Enough is enough! You will do whatever necessary to protect your child and yourself. If he is unable to deal with this, then insist he seek therapy, AND MEAN IT!!! Running and hiding from your own husband?!! Are you kidding me!!! Unfortunately, travel from the US to Canada may have restrictions, so you must have a Plan B. You family may afford to pay for a temporary rental someplace; until you can figure things out.
This pandemic is hard on everybody...EVERYBODY!!! That doesn't give anybody the right to make life a living hell for everyone else around them. He should call a hotline for help. You should search on the internet for help with covid anxiety; and see what online help is available, and insist that he call it. Then laydown your final ultimatum. Make it clear to him, that if the ranting and outbursts continue, you will not only be forced to leave; but you will contact the police, if you and your daughter feel unsafe during his rages and rants. It's pretty serious, if you have to write for advice!
If you don't take serious steps, you'll be cowering in your own house! Your daughter is getting the worst of this. He might be suffering from a serious anxiety disorder. She's still a kid, and she's coping with something even adults can't handle! You're a mom, I'm preaching to the choir when I'm telling you to put your kid first and foremost! I know you love him, you want to maintain your marriage; but someone has to maintain order. The pandemic is going to be around for awhile; and you have no power over it. You do have power over your environment, and to protect your child. I suggest you take charge. He can't, because he's losing-it! You mother knows the deal!
Paula, I'd be remiss as a Christian not to pray for you and your family; and not to suggest that you go to your faith. If you believe in God and worship, this is the time we pray for our families, friends, neighbors, and our nations. Darkness is allover; and through faith, we'll all get through this. I pray for people I don't even know. You, Jenny, and your husband will be among them. I will say a special prayer just for you. Contact your spiritual=ministry leadership. if you ascribe to a faith and belief. If you believe in God, please ask for His help to restore your family. This is my own personal suggestion, and I don't force my beliefs on anyone. These comments do not represent or reflect the opinions or ideology of DC, they are strictly my own. It is your right to accept or ignore them. Soon we all will qualify for the new vaccines, it's only a matter of time!
Drinking is the demon here! Your husband is an alcoholic. The sooner he accepts that, and the sooner he gets help, the better. If not, let him know he will lose his family. That is everything!
God protect, provide for you, and guide you. May He help you find your peace.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 January 2021):
 Yikes Paula!
So this behavior is VERY new?
Is HE working? Does he have any friends?
Does he have period of calm and decent behavior or is this non-stop?
Is it possible to visit family? For you and kiddo?
How ARE your finances? Do you know? You being from a wealthy background is grand and all but that doesn't mean your family finances are great. WHO deals with budget, paying bills? Savings? Retirements?
If it's him, I suggest you take over and look into it.
My husband like to make a BIG deal out of spending, bills cost of this and that. Though HE is the big spender in the house, he probably have a good 25K tied up in "his hobby". I'm frugal by nature. The kids are pretty frugal too (the two oldest pay for their own stuff as they both work) So it kind of (occasionally) drives me up the wall when he complains that WE (the kids and I) shower too much, use too much hot water because the water-bill is high - except it's not - it's still under the budgeted amount. For December the electric bill was higher than average BUT he was the one who INSISTED on having a SHIT TONNE of lights on the outside of the house and have them on 24/7 - plus Dec was a cold month and we have 3,000 SQ F to heat. We still stuck to budget.
He doesn't exactly rant about it, but he DOES worry.
I would REALLY look at the finances and see what's REALLY going on there. That IS a big stressor for many people.
He might also be having a sort of meltdown - mentally. However, suggesting he sees a doctor might do nothing good. So that is moot.
Who does the shopping? Maybe NOT buy any more alcohol? I get that he can go out and buy his own, but I would not partake (as in buy it) to ENABLE this behavior.
Lastly, DOES he have a good friend of family member who can pop round and see this? Talk to him?
For me, personally? I think I would do 2 things, 1. Check out your finances - and start separating YOUR finances and 2. Get out of there with your daughter - SHE doesn't deserve this abuse and neither DO you. I wouldn't wait for the Corona to end - it's here to stay. Hopefully the lock down isn't.
I don't think you can FIX him. Sounds like he went off the deep end.
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