A
female
age
30-35,
*mykennedy
writes:My bf and I have had an amazing relationship the past year. Everything is great besides our arguments here and there. We had our first big fight the other night leading to me leaving his place to go home and cool off. The next few days without me talking to him, I picked up the rest of my things expecting to do just that but we were fine conversing like normal and then he decides to talk. He said he really loves me and wanted to work on things that we shouldn’t be together right now and he needs time to think and he doesn’t want anyone else. But that he’s concerned we’ll fall back into old habits of bickering especially at events or around family. I said I’m open to working it out and setting boundaries with each other because what we have is great. eventually I was like ok I respect that and I’ll move on.What does this mean when a guy says that though? It makes me feel like I’m in a limbo. I know I need to focus on myself and the usual stuff but I want more insight because I’m not sure where I stand...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2021): It would be fascinating to know what the disagreement was about and how it materialised but I think that when you walked out on him to cool off he assumed that you were over and done with him!
Then when you collected your stuff he again thought it was over.
Now he's thought it over and decided that the relationship is too fragile to survive further and he has chosen to give you the soft drop.
And you confirmed for him (the third time) that this is over and you will move on!
It's the nice way of saying goodbye.
It's what I call a soft breakup!
He doesn't want you wondering if it's all going to be on again because he feels he has left his heart unguarded for too long.
It's dreadful when a person is worried that you will embarrass them in front of family and friends.
Perhaps the relationship started too fast.
I don't think you should blame yourself because it didn't work out.
As far as I'm concerned you could blow up his phone with tears and tantrums but I expect that he would just reject your calls or call bar you.
One year in is still quite early days in a relationship.
It's not abnormal to end it if you seem incompatible.
So perhaps you should mentally move on because it makes no difference if you love him.
He says he loves you too (so compliment returned) but what he really feels is that you are just not suited enough to be partners in the long term!
Maybe there is someone out there who would love to argue like you do but I think you would prefer a steadier, happier kind of love.
Maybe there is something about him that makes your blood boil to the point where you have to leave.
It wasn't a kiss and make-up kind of argument was it?
It was a quick separation for your own reasons or his own reasons.
Cutting out of the relationship at this point may be the best thing.
One of you may be more volatile than the other and considering you both may have a long life ahead of you then you both want and deserve a happy and peaceful life.
The one thing you both don't want is to be at loggerheads with each other so 'out of sight, out of mind' is probably the best thing.
Thank goodness it's no worse than this!
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (17 January 2021):
 He is reassessing his desire to be with you. Look, we don't know if he's going to leave you but he is definitely thinking very deeply as to whether or not this relationship will work out. He's probably miserable. He's tired of the constant back and forth. It sounds like the two of you may slip into sometimes fighting through your relationship rather than actually being in one. "What we have is great", is it though? Or is it only really great when you're not fighting? Clearly the guy is overwhelmed, he's unhappy and he's trying to figure out whether or not this is worth saving. Perhaps he could see a clear future with you, but everything that has transpired has him questioning whether it's even worth it at this point.
My advice is, to give him his space. Not just that, but do some thinking of your own. This is a great opportunity to figure yourself out and how you negatively contributed to the breakdown of this relationship too. I'm not blaming you for everything but I'm just saying that often times we forget that we also have some things that need fixing. It's not 100% the other person 100% of the time. Perhaps you will learn more about yourself... What triggers you, why it is that you always argue your way through things instead of communicating in a healthy way etc. This may not be all bad, it could be really good. Even if this doesn't work out, you will be able to move forward being a better version of yourself. Perhaps this isn't the sort of advice that you're looking for, but it had to be said. You have to learn to communicate better. What he does is now irrelevant because you can't change him. You CAN take the necessary steps towards growing as an individual though. You need to give him his space. I think that at this point you're very likely to say some things that you don't mean. In fact, I think that you've already said too much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2021): How can it be a wonderful relationship if you argue to the point of him needing to remove himself from you and rethink whether or not to be with you? It's obvious that is what he is doing, and who can blame him. He has enough problems without you starting arguments unnecessarily. He can find someone calmer and more sorted.
Instead of worrying about where you stand think about how he feels for a change, this is not all about you. It's no good saying you will sort it, you need therapy, so arrange it, you can do it online. He may decide he wants to try again when you actually make a proper effort to be normal and nice to be with.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (16 January 2021):
 I think maybe at the point where he said you should not be together right now, that he needs time to think, this was the point where i feel the relationship should of ended.
I think this is what he was getting at, but instead of saying its over he could not step up to the plate and end it. Now as you say, your in limbo now not knowing what is going on.
Have the break you both need then, then see how things are in a couple of months. Its likely that during this time you will both drift apart.
I would refrain from contacting him now, and work on yourself bringing yourself to a better feeling place away from this toxic relationship.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (16 January 2021):
 He's tired of fighting with you. He's tired of you leaving and refusing contact for days. He doesn't like conflict, so he is letting you down easy. But really, he is Gone.
BTW your fighting technique will never work in a LTR. Work on that next BF.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2021): It means he's assessing the situation and considering his options. He's going back over the past, and recalling what your differences were. He's going to review how frequently you've disagreed and why. He is likely contemplating whether to breakup with you. You're officially on notice. That doesn't necessarily mean his mind is made-up. Now is not the time to press the issue! It was said in the heat of the moment. I'll give you that much!
When communication stops, and your partner calls a time-out; that means enough is enough! YOU may consider the relationship great; that doesn't necessarily mean that's exactly the way he sees it. Judging by the way he put it, he seems like a reasonable guy. During this time-out, maybe you ought to go back and review your past arguments and disagreements as well. What were your most common topics of disagreement? How did you behave when you couldn't get your way? Have you picked up any red-flags about him that you're deluding or avoiding in order to cling to the relationship? Is the relationship really as great as you say it is, or are you in denial? Face the facts!
Well, give him the space he is asking for. You said you picked-up your things and dramatized your anger to let him know how upset you were with him. He apparently has an aversion to drama...I can personally relate to that!
Maybe cooler heads will prevail. Maybe HE isn't right for YOU. Give that some consideration too; it goes both-ways. Now is the time to think like adults, and wait until you're both mutually able to discuss what the future holds.
Too much drama and insecurity kills relationships!
I don't recommend being anxious and blowing-up his phone; because you might force him to ignore you out of avoiding any drama or conflict. He asked for space. If his response takes too long, prepare for the worse. Trying to rush him, could have an adverse-effect. Cool-off, and wait it out. If days go by, he may be giving you the silent treatment to punish you; but let him be. The silent treatment is a red-flag. Punishing people that way is cruel. Let this be a test.
We can't tell you if your boyfriend wants to breakup with you. We're not fortune-tellers; but he is done with drama and arguments. He might have a bit of the drama queen in himself; but only he really knows what's going-on in his head. I'm certain at some point in time, he will make his feelings and thoughts known to you. We all can only guess!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 January 2021):
 I think he is re-thinking whether or not you to CAN work out long term.
But I think you two look at it from different view points, HE mentions the "bickering" and "old habits" which makes it sounds like this isn't a once in a blue moon disagreements.
YOU say, "Everything is great besides our arguments here and there." So on your end, you think the GOOD outweigh the "bad" (arguments) - on his end... it's the opposite.
Are these "arguments" ever really resolved or just swept under the rug?
And how BAD was the argument that made you take your stuff and leave?
(while I think that it's often better to REMOVE yourself from conflict than escalating it, it can also means that it's left unsaid, because both parties wants peace - which means, it's unresolved and WILL pop up again.)
Taking a time out to cool down, being able to agree to disagree and even better LEARNING to compromise are REALLY good tools to learn in a relationship, friendship or even among strangers.
You and your BF are NOT going to agree on EVERYTHING. That would be preposterous to think.
Learning how to go from just SCREAMING/Yelling two different view points at each other, to calmly saying I hear you and I disagree, and then decide HOW to move forward, is important. If you are at an impasse on an IMPORTANT topic, then you again NEED to decide HOW important is YOUR hill. Is it one you want to "die on" (as an expression, not die in reality, mind you) or is or a deal breaker? Or is it a "agree to disagree" moot point?
You are NOT in limbo, as YOU told him :"eventually I was like ok I respect that and I’ll move on." So you basically said, I'm done.
Maybe that IS for the best. I don't think many relationship can last if you NEED to take "breaks" from each other.
It's now UP to you as to what YOU want to happen next. If you WANT to keep working on it, take some time and think on YOUR own behavior when arguing. Can you make improvements? Are there things YOU need to change? Because YOU can't change him, you can only change you. YOU decide for yourself HOW long you want to take to introspect and GIVE him to do the same.
If you are done, done - then let him know so HE can also move forward too.
Regardless, I think some introspective thinking would be good for you both. It seems like HE is doing that.
It doesn't sounds like he knows what he wants, he is unsure. Of you and relationship. I think that is where HIS head it at.
Thinking about things is good, but it also sounds a bit like avoidance of the center of all this - WHY you two argue so much.
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