A
female
age
,
*prils
writes:I have a very much needed please help save my marriage question. Well here goes,I have a very nice husband, except when it comes to being with me sexualy in anyway shape or form. and WITH HIM THERE'S no talking about it either. he started this about 4 years ago, slacking off in the bedroom, when I would say something then he would get a bit better, but in the last 2 years we have been together sexually making love only 3 almost 4 times, and they weren't remberable at all. I feel he was faking it. And I know he was. this is horrible I need some very good advice and fast, I love him i have been with him 14 years married 9. He is good as gold to me, we were great sexualy the first many years, no affairs on my side, him none that i know of, but what is wrong with him? We have beed to counselling, etc, still no change he always promises, but no change. We are best friends and that part is what concers me. He has been tested his levels are good, he is 50 and i am 48, but when this started he was younger. I have gotten him to admitt he masturbates, but no details on how much, this is the part that is killing me. why in the world would any man with a much younger and pretty wife, not to brag, but I am just as most guys tell me pretty. Why would he chose this over me?and now is it so serious he is choosing it over our marriage,he wil not budge!I am at my end of my rope, too many years, too many tears, to much lonleyness, I just think possibly he has something in his mind and it is made up that he will never be with me again why won't he even touch me sexually if he says he wants me? Then why does he not touch me sexualy ,or look at me if he happens to walk past the bedroom door while i'm dressing?he looks away real fast, and I'm not fat, i have a good shape, I'm much better looking than him I have been told. but to me I have always loved the way he looks. It doesnt have to be the one thing I have told him that many times. Still nothing. he use's the excuse I can't stay hard, then we bought medicine and he was , then he of course would go back into his pattern no sex, and i know he is masterbating. he will promise not to, then 4 monthes go past i ask him becasue I get nothing from him, he will say i haven't in 4 monthes, then I question him again a few days later then he says he hasn't masterbated in a month.you see i think ,or i know he is out in out straight lieing to me, i am mad, very mad, if i could afford to i would leave know, this is the only thing i can think of that would knock him back in to reality and out of the masterbation fantasy world and his selfious sexual world he has created, but I feel honestly if i do leave their is a strong chancde he will or might choode the masturbation over me his wife.please i need advice what should i do?? but why can anyone tell me why he thinks our marriage can survive this? And also I think he is totally selfious of my feeling, how do I get it into his head what damage he has done to our marriage?mostly what scares me i do love him, but say last year i wanted him, not I don't, when I see him with no clothes on I have no want for him, he did this to me, but stil i'm wiling to save my marriage.how do i get him to try? please help, I'm scared I will not have my mariage by the end of the year!
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male
reader, sweatySteve +, writes (21 January 2010):
Ok he might be hiding the porn in the bible saddly ... or he may have a experiement of gayness . Thesse are the possibilities icould come up with . I do not believe you cheating would make things any better . hope i helped
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): If you can't find a way to make things work, then I don't think an affair is the answer.
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A
female
reader, aprils +, writes (29 November 2009):
aprils is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdate still no sex nor anytype from my husband any sugestions before i have the affair that will end my marriage, i feel he wouldn't say much what do you readers think i should do? on my last leg with my sexless husband!help in need of fast advice before i do something i am not sure is right or wrong in my siuation all help of suggestions appreciated.
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A
female
reader, aprils +, writes (29 November 2009):
aprils is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhello any professionals out there willing to give some realy good final advice. I at my wits end, i think i am ready to havean afair, i feel i am paying him back, i also feel he has no right after the hell he has put me through these blast several years with no sex or anything whatssoever, and also i fel i should tell him, and i feel 100% of myself that my husbanmd should have no right to get mad, any comments to this.
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A
female
reader, aprils +, writes (12 November 2009):
aprils is verified as being by the original poster of the questiona question to a response I recieved "To my husband won't toucg me sexually:,which I wrote, to the writer who said he probally uses porn,well I can't find any,what do you mean by porn, how many types do they use? Becasue I sure can't find it. I'm not sure but I can't cATCH him I am going by what he has admitted and he acts like it is nothing, but there is no porn,I have looked everywhere. What could he be using? I have looked everywhere and no computer either, what do men use? I am sick over this he chose that life over me his wife he says he loves, he aPparently loves hisself more than he does me, that is total selfiousnous, againest the bible , and get this he reads the bible all the time, and talks church. I think he reads the bible out of guiltyness and asks for forgiveness, or he plain doesn't understand what he is reading, now back to your question does he use porn,what would be your or anyones honest opinion if I can't find anything? where do they hide it, or use? In need of help for my dying marriage.And what type of good help he needs what type ?ect?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): to the reader who wrote in response to my letter
MY HUSBAND WON'T TOUCH ME SEXUALLY,Your letter really hit home, you had one question i would like to answer with a follow up question, you asked does my husband use any type of porn? None that I can find, no computer, I have looked and looked, this is what I don't get, if he is masterbating like he admitted, but for the life of me I can not cat ch him, when do they? and what couls he be using as porn? I would like to know for sure what is better sexually than his wife, find it so hard to believe he choses that over me, I feel he is chosing hiself over me acualy, a form of abuse and control he is doing this I feel that am I right, and what other ty[es of porn are there , becasue I can't find any???
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A
female
reader, aprils +, writes (11 November 2009):
aprils is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to the anonomous male reader, thank you for your reponse,you said the initial attraction maybe worn off with my husband towards me? And this could be the reason he has nothing to do with me sexually, then why can he have an erection masterbating which he has admitted to, and not even try with me,and I'm in the next room becasue I have asked him where am I when you are doing this, he hesitates and once said in the other room, I think he does it when I go to the store,or anytime i'm away, what is the usual times men need to do this? And he has no computer so what he's doing is not on the computer. I'm not dumb, but new with this and I hate this siuation,I never in my dreams thought i would have to live a life without the sexual love, I feel he has purposely done this to our marriage and taken it away and is very selfious of my needs, how do I get him to understand he has hurt me so so badly, that I am thinking I will leave if there is no change, and I feel it has been so long, so many promises to change and nothing ever happens I'm afraid we will or I will mess up and do something i don't really want to but, I'm human and have been hurt by him so much over this I feel like i should and let him know when and if I do to get him back. I wonder what his response would be if i did go out on him? I would really like to know, this way if it is nothing at least I will know finally if I am being used as a cook, accountant, painter ect. and that doesn't care. hE DOESN'T even touch me in any way sexually whats up? HOW CAN HE SAY HE LOVES ME SLEEP BESIDE ME AND NOT ONE TOUCH? HOW CAN HE SAY HE LOVES ME AND TURN ON ME THIS WAY? HE SEEMS TO HAVE NO GUILTYNESS EITHER.WHY? I DON'T THINK IT IS HIS AGE OR HE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO MASTERBATE.aND TO THE READER THAT REPLIED ADDICTIVE MASTERBATION, HOW OFTEN DOES A ADDITICVE MAN DO IT? ASK THIS TO TELL IF THIS COULD BE THE CASE? AND WHY IS HE NOT THOUGHFUL OF MY FEELINGS IF HE SAYS HE LOVES ME SHOULDN'T HE EVEN TRY,OR BE WORRIED ABOUT HIS MARRIAGE,WILL A ADDICTIVE MASTERBATER LET THEIR MARRIAGE GO FOR THEIR MASTERBATION ADDICTION? AND HOW AND WHAT TYPE OF HELP CAN I PERSUEDE HIM TO GET IF HE WILL ADMITT HE IS ADDICTED? HOW DO I APPROACH HIM ON THIS YOU HAVE A VERY GOOD POINT?AND NEXT TO MY OTHER READS RESPONSES WHY Honestly I feel he doesn't love me that way,anymore. I don't see how in the world why not, what causes that and can I do anything to get his attention.?Beside going out on him which I do honestly don't want to do at all,I whole heartedly love my husband,what can I do to get him back? I would like to hear from a husband or wife that use to have our problem and have overcame it and how they did it? AND TELL ME THE CAUSE? We have been to couseling he tells the couseler he loves me, we never go past 3 or 4 times because he just is same old same old. I just am afriad I will get my chance and take it, and leave, but i love him, so am I doing the wrong thing staying with a man that refuses me? But at the same time tells me daily he loves me, and would do anything other than sexual things I ask him, like going to the store ect, why? why me? I am not ugly at all! I can't think of anything I have done to deserve this kind of mistreatment. I took my marriage vows seriuosly, possibly he just doesn't know how to be married, he had no problem at first,he was very sexuAL THEN. Now All I get is a kiss and I love you, and also I think you are right he does separate love and sex, and I believe he thinks as long as he tels me he loves thats good enough.He good to me every other way other than sexualy then he beiieves in his mind that's enough, because we have had heated arguments over this in the past, but now we don't argue,becasue I am giving up, thats why I am on here I found this web site and thought what the heck give it a shot. Now when the subject comes up usually he will get up and walk away from me sometimes when the subject comes up.I still don't get it, something is missing here, he doesn't talk about anything sexually no joking ect,the word sex in my home is like not alowed like a bad word with him, he instantly freeezes up,why? Could he be hiding something,I feeel I am missing somethingbut what? And why is he so slick that I can not catch him masterbating? And I am a nosey wife,soething is up, it's not all masterbation or is it causing this? I know he is faithful but how about mentaly faithful? Can a man not be faithful mentally? And why in the world can a man go months into years without being with his wife or any women? Also to anybody outthere doctors or anyone that has been through my problem how can he live with hiself? Is he guilty? He sure doesn't show it.and why? he says I nag him when I do bring it upbut I don't bring it up this time it has been 6 monthes now thats not nagging if I was patient 6 monthes waiting on him. Is there anything I can do to get his attention sexually? I will read all responses, I want my marriage back to normal, I need some answers,thanks to you, and all that have emailed so far, I will respond to all reponses as I get them,STILL SAD,AND WAITING FOR MY HUSBAND TO LIKE ME AGAIN SEXUALLY!
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A
male
reader, BunnyHumper +, writes (11 November 2009):
There is another reason we don't often see addressed. It is more common than we think. That is the belief that because of the fact that it is often thought that intercourse is for copulation, or for making babies,nothing else. So, for some, they believe that when you have made your babies you should stop having sex.
Well, if you have a problem keeping her happy, don't blame her if she finds satisfaction elsewhere. If you are doing your part then it is up to you to keep ourself between her and the other guy. Remember, sex is not love and love is not sex !! It is the natural drive to copulate.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): Unfortunately this is the negative side of marriage when the initial attraction wears off and monotony sets in when several years pass on it.I hope this is not the case with your husband, but anyway this doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore.most probably he does and would die if any harm comes to you.you see, the male is diffrent to the female in the sense that to him love and attraction are two seperate things. he might be sexually attracted to a female but not necessarily love her.sexual attraction on the male side can not be faked because the male to be able to perform sex has to have errection and that can only happen if there is attraction or atleast nothing to hold him back like loyality to the wife he loves but no longer finds sexually attractive or because of ethical and moral believes. There are other reasons also like problems at work and financial problems. all these affect his ability to having erection.This is called the psychological side.ofcourse there is a physical side also that might be causing him not to be able to have erection. illnesses like swollen prostate which is very common in men after 45 -50.This is the first indication of prostate trouble in men. also other illnesses like weak blood circulaion, weak heart... etc. etc. Only a doctor can tell. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): There is such a thing as compulsive masterbation and it can be addictive. It usually isn't a problem when men are younger, but as they age and their sex drive lessens, they loose their hunger for their wives and masturbation takes over.If this is his problem, he will not overcome this on his own. Fighting over sex makes it even less desirable. It is a vicous cycle. I wish you luck, but it sounds rather hopeless. Until he wants to change the situation, nothing will change. I suggest you find an outlet for your sexual frustrations. Living without physical affection from the one you desire can drive you insane, so stop focusing on him, it only drives him further into himself.Please know, there is nothing wrong with you. It is your husband that has a problem and only he can choose to fix it.I also wonder....does your husband use porn to masterbate with? This seems to escalate the problem :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): I think may be because of his age.Or when man are heard working they don't do much sex. So,may be you need to talk to him how you feel and go to see the doctor. I'm sure the doctor can help your husband very well.Good luck. I hope it's help.
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