A
female
age
41-50,
*elodie
writes:So I have been married to my husband for 3 years, generally as a whole we have a really good relationship. We really only fight about one thing, his parents. I don't agree with the way they treat me and talk to me, he thinks I am over reacting. They make me feel like I dont exsist. Always making refernece to everything as beign my husbands, his house, his tv, his business, ( we are business owners, together ) everything is his, eben when sitting at our table and their cell rings they say that are at "herb"s house, went as far as to ask our son about 3 1/2 yrs old if he was going to get daddys truck when he died. ( when it is actually my truck ) And there are other things, my FIL was trying to explain something and my hubby told him he made no sense, I said I didn't understand so he proceeded to pour beer on me. and when I asked what that was for he said he "doesn't like being told he dont make sense so to just drop it" Most recent being I invited them to our house ( we live a ways away ) for christmas cause I knew that all the other siblings were not going to be spending xmas with them. they declined then asked all their other children if it was me that influenced them and told them not to spend christmas with them.One of my brother in-laws told me this was said to him.The problem is my husband says that he doesnt see it as an issue, he says that I should try harder with them, and that I am over reacting and trying to push his family away. He said he wont talk to them about it cause he doens't want to damage his relationship with them. And that the beer getting poured on me was his dad joking. He blames me for the problems, yes I have begun to distance myself from them, I dotn understand why anyone would willingly put themselves in a situation like thatI feel alone, I wish he would back me and stand up for me. I am at a loss, I dont know what to do. I just want my husband to stand up for me for once and be by my side and not feel like I am being sh*t on every time they are around.I want my husband to make me feel like I am important to him. It has left me feeling like he has bailed on me, and that he would throw me under a bus to save himself any discomfort.
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female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (30 January 2009):
 First of all, that sounds horrible! There is no excuse for the beer incident, even as a joke, who does that to someone unless your at a party and rediculously drunk or clumsy? That is rude and disrespectful. Of course, i was not there, i don't know in what context things are being said but i do know that all it takes is for one small comment to escalate into a huge issue - you having had 1 or 2 comments or moments of feeling trodden on or pushed aside in some way then goes on to allow you to see the bad in any comment or issue even if, on occassion, it may well be an innocent one. As many years as you can remember, parent in laws have always posed a problem - they see you as taking their precious son away and they in some way sound like they are still tryig to assert some of their "claim" or "ownership" over him - which is what parents do, but they don't seem to be doing it very subtley. And you are right, as soon as you notice these incidents it makes them ten times worse - you start to interact with them more, they think you dislike them more, they give you more grief, you distance yourself more..its a vicious circle but one that seems so unnecessary, its not like you're stealing the guy away, you're his wife and he chose to be with you, there is no way on earth you deserve to get any disrespect from his parents and vice versa. As for your husband, i can see that he wouldnt want to cause conflict with his parents, that is natural, he loves them, doesnt want to put a wedge in there but what the hey! You're his wife! He needs to say something to his parents, he isn't twelve anymore, you're his life,his families future, you are where he chose to be and as your husband he should feel offended or at least mildly annoyed that his parents are so disrespectful to you as his wife - the fact that he has said nothing is almost the same as giving them permission to continue with this rediculous behavior. You need to raise the issue with him again but tactfully, suggest that you would really like to be able to get along with his parents and that you can see that they love him and want the best for him, but that this is exactly what you want too, and that you should all be able to get along - you're being emotionally affected by it and it will eventually mar the marriage too as it sounds like you're starting to resent your husband for it too - it really needs to be nipped in the bud now before it turns into something worse. Just make sure he knows you love him, you dont want to fight, suggest holding them an olive branch and maybe even bite the bullet and take his mum for coffee and try talkin to her one on one and explain how you feel - perhaps hey had a bad experience with her mum and dad or the dads mum and dad when they were dating or something, you never know - i'm extremely lucky in that if my husbands parents ever set a foot out of line with me, he'd just not speak to them, i have a hard time convincing him to go see his parents in order no to look like a bad egg and for some reason his parents really like me more than he likes them, which is crazy. I don't know how many other children your husbands parents have, but if he is the youngest perhaps they want to hang on to him? If they are living on their own, perhaps the empty nest syndrome is pulling them together to be in your husbands business whatever it is, they still need to acknowlege your existance and zhow you feel in order for their behavior to change. I hope you're able to resolve the situation, i wish you all the lucky in the world xxxx
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