A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband won't have sex with me. Been together 8 years, married for almost 1, he's 9 years older than me (I'm in my 20s, he's in his 30s). Our lives and relationship is pretty good EXCEPT this damn problem.About a year before the marriage our sex life started waning. There were some fights, some stress, including new careers for both of us. My career, unfortunately, involves me sitting on my ass for hours on end while his is physical.I thought our wedding and honeymoon was a game-changer. For a week we had sex CONSTANTLY! It was wonderful, sometimes dirty sex and sometimes loving sex.Then we went back home and we had less and less sex.After the wedding I gained some weight, slowly gaining 10 pounds, then 20. I feel awful. I feel like he doesn't want to have sex with me because of my weight, though he has gained some weight too I am not any less attracted to him. I have hinted, then made it plain as skywriting that I want sex, that I miss sex, that I miss the intimacy that sex creates, but got nothing. On his birthday he came home to me dressed up in a sexy corset, thong, and high heels--and he STILL didn't want sex.I confronted him and he says my weight isn't the problem. I don't know whether to believe it or not. He says it is him, he is just tired a lot and has no sex drive. But when I asked him about masturbation, I found out he had been masturbating about once a day. This made me see red but I tried to be understanding. He said he had bought some pills to help his problem and was going to start taking them every day. A few days later when we talked again he said he hadn't masturbated since our discussion because he agreed with me that if he's getting off all the time it would make sense that he wouldn't want to bother with me.Almost every morning I ask him if he took his pill and I usually hear "I forgot". He didn't give me any info on the pills so while he was gone I found where he did them. It was just Horny Goat Weed! I feel angry that he didn't tell me what they were, those pills are not what I expected at all! I thought he would have some viagra or something more "clinical" than the crap you can get at any store! But I did not say anything to him about this.I still think the problem is my weight and he does not want to tell me. I've tried some diets and whatnot but none really seem to be working. I am trying to get back into the gym scene but I am so depressed over the lack of sex that I don't think it will make a difference. The more depressed I am the more I eat.I just feel like if he says the problem is him then he isn't taking enough steps to correct the problem. Sometimes I think he could be cheating on me but I have no proof. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to stay with him, I like our life and want to start a family, but I can't live with such little sex. The last time we had vaginal intercourse was 3 months ago. The last time we had ANY kind of sex was about a month ago, he did things to me but couldn't stay hard--and afterward I found out the only reason he came to me at all was because he was horny because he had just masturbated! No wonder he couldn't keep it up!I am so frustrated and sad. Please help, any advice is appreciated.
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depressed, horny, sex drive, sex life, the pill, vagina, viagra, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): I'm going to play devil's advocate: Perhaps it's not him and it is YOU...Perhaps it's because you've pulled the old bait and switch. For years he found you attractive and wanted sex. After the permanent contract (aka marriage) was signed, you let yourself go since there's no need to keep in shape and keep your partner interested in you solely as he's stuck in a legal bind with major consequences for breaking said contract. And, sure, you can blame it on a sedentary career, but assuming one works 9-5, there's still plenty of time throughout the day to get some form of exercise in AND still do everything else - you were able to do that before, why not now? After that, he has had a hard time finding you attractive since he, like every guy, is a visual creature. As such, he still has an urge to release, which explains why he's turned to masturbation and probably porn, which, more or less, stays the same and doesn't put on 20LBS. Why's he skirting around the issue? Because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Simple as that. And for good reason; would you want to be close with someone after they tell you they're not aroused by you anymore? They find you unattractive? Or repulsive? No! And that's not going to help the situation, it'll just make it worse. So he keeps quiet.Lastly, I find it a bit appalling that you got mad at him for not getting a medical subscription and putting something unnatural, and likely unhealthy, in his body. Instead of urging him to get pills, how about turning back into the woman he fell in love with? How about making an effort on your side? Doing so would be great for your health overall, and will likely get his attention. Try actively exercising and eating right for a month or two and see if he comes back to you. Because a guy who wants to have sex, will have sex - it's got nothing to do with being tired or 'aging' in your 30s. And to have sex, you need to get aroused - clearly he's not getting aroused by you. Sorry for the ugly truth.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2013):
 Welcome to my world... only I'm 53 and like a horny 18 yr old boy and my hubby of a year is 40...
I thought it was me... that i had gained weight... but guess what HE DOES NOT FEEL SEXY because HE'S GAINED weight... so it's NOT ME... it's him.
He loves me and he wants me but he believes he has ED (he does not) so in his brain he needs "stiff-eze" in order to work.. he does not but I let him think he does.
Viagra will NOT increase libido. Viagra and the like just give a guy a hard on... it's about blood flow... if he gets erections then he needs no viagra.
If he has not had a complete medical work up including a hormone panel I suggest that for him first...
and if he is telling you it's not you... it's probably not... and you have to believe that...
as for porn... my husband and I joked the other day the only one watching porn in our house is ME....
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (21 November 2013):
 Male sex drive decreases with age while women's increases so it's possible he's just getting older and is interested in sex less. Maybe he is cheating or finding you less attractive, it's impossible to tell without speaking to him. Maybe you could have a calm conversation with him - does he want to work on his sex drive? Is it a physical issue , I'd so go to your gp for advice. No one on here can diagnose the problem without hearing his side of things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): OP first off masturbation doesn't count as sexual activity or getting off. It's a quick release, nothing more. Not masturbating doesn't make a guy want to have sex more because it's not linked to libido at all.
Times when my libido is shot to hell I still masturbate. Even when I'm having regular sex I'll still masturbate.
OP I think part of the problem is you and I don't think it's weight that is making you unattractive, the pressure, frustration, the stress you're going through at the moment is quite evident in your post and that's not sexy. I mean you say you're depressed and comfort eating. You so clearly hate your weight so sex is not the only thing getting you down. Add to that the fact you both changed careers and are probably under quite a bit of stress from that including arguments and there are quite a few reasons behind why his libido is shot.
OP there are steps that you need to take too. Losing weight is quite a big deal for you, I honestly feel it means nothing to him but it's really seeming to knock your confidence which is not helped by the fact you feel he doesn't desire you anymore either. You can better control losing weight than you can his libido so start there.
Try and examine the differences in your lives that occurred around the time that his libido suddenly disappeared. Maybe there are things there you can find a solution to, added stress, maybe it is the new job.
Also if he wants to go down the medical route and start taking pills then he must consult a doctor.
Viagra makes a dick hard, that's it. It's not going to fix his libido and frankly OP relying on viagra is the sexual equivalent of a woman not wanting sex but lying back and letting her partner do her anyway just to shut him up. Is that really the kind of sex life that would please you? Because you may aswell just use a vibrator then.
OP I know talking is good and telling him how you feel is important but he knows now, you putting pressure on him, castigating him for not being able to keep it up, giving him hell for not having the right pills, that's not going to help. You turning this back on yourself and bringing up your weight as an issue won't either.
OP it's not nice for a man to not be able to pleasure his wife, it feels like a failure.
You could try setting up times a few days in advance so he has time to prepare. I know it sounds clinical but maybe he needs that. Maybe with a schedule he can build himself up.
You know if you were a guy asking this question I'd advise "dating" again, bringing the romance back a bit. I mean honestly if you had no libido would pressure work on you for getting it back? Would him standing there naked with his penis hanging out work? No, but dealing with the mental issue behind it probably would, taking the time to get you in the mood and making you feel sexy would, well maybe he needs something similar OP, we guys aren't all that much different in that sense.
Failing all that go to marriage counselling. But try to soften your approach here, even though this is a big issue try and lessen the impact, try and gently get him back in that place and while he's at it tackle the weight you so desperately hate having and find a good vibrator to keep your frustrations in check just enough to give you a little extra patience while you figure this out.
A visit to the doctor so he can make sure it's nothing medical would be a good start too.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (21 November 2013):
 Daily masturbation but no sex, to me my first instinct is porn addiction. You can find more info here:
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): Maybe he is watching porn.
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