A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am unhappily married, live under the same roof as husband but we each have our own bedrooms.I have been having an affair with a man in his mid 40's for 3.5 years.He also is married but separated, he lives very close to me ( within 5 minutes) so it is easy to see each other.He also has 2 adult daughters which he adores, they live with their Mum.5 years ago his wife became seriously ill and he was a tower of strength for her, they are very close even now, and still occasionally sleep together.They also share day trips together in the summer, camping etc .As time passed my feelings deepened for him, the sex was amazing, we both said it was the best we ever had, compatible and we enjoyed sharing time together.We watched movies, occasionally went out, we saw each other twice weekly for around 3 - 4 hours.This was because I work some evenings and obviously we had to fit our schedule around my husbands.I started developing feelings for him and the last few months it has dawned me on me finally this is not growing, it is not developing into anything. Even though he is separated him and his wife appear very close, they of course live separately but they do grocery shopping together.She has recovered from the illness but still has off days where she needs support.The family come from another country and are isolated here, their English is limited and they live in a Spanish bubble in Canada.His English is excellent, reason why I am telling you this is because he feels he has to be there for them.I have finished this maybe 7 times over 3 years because I have been fed up of the non commitment.His reasons are he cannot commit because of the family, he would not want his wife to find out incase she poisons the girls. He has also said she would be very upset.We usually get back together a few weeks later , no more than 3, he calls and then we meet up then back on the carousel I jump and round and round it goes again.But in recent months I have become increasingly fed up. he has been reliable for seeing me, and I repeat our times together are really good quality, we can talk for hours and laugh and have common interests.I see him as the perfect friend lover confidente just everything.I did end it 6 weeks ago and the reason I gave him was because he is married.Of course he said I am married too, I told him its not going anywhere, his reply was well how can it, I am married to a good man, and he is in this trap with his family who know nobody here and are reliant on him and he has repeatedly said " What do you expect me to do ? Leave them, No I haven't the heart to do that. I told him no of course I understand she needs you .So that has been it, a couple of calls in between, a couple of e-mails, we plan to meet Friday as my birthday has just gone.We talked the other evening on the phone, he seemed so distant and cold, he said he has been hurt by this as he had feelings for me.I said can we be friends as I would love to be friends with him, I said nothing should come between us being friends, we know each other so well, all about each other, we know we can trust each other, I feel he really understands me. he seemed reluctant to be friends which has hurt me a lot.I must admit that each time we have broke, I have never seen a friendship or closeness, it seems the closeness, the nice words the sharing time together only happens when we are together as lovers.I told him I don't care if he somebody else, I want the friendship if possible, he said congratulations with reference to me getting over him so quickly.He said he doesn't know if he can be friends and then came up with the most pathetic excuse saing but if we were friends, supposing you found out I was this. or that.We are talking about a man aged 46 here.I said stop making excuses, either you want to remain friends or you don't, but I just want to know, he just said time will tell which as you can see is an evasive answer again.Now please no lectures on the moral high ground, I know what I did was morally wrong and should know better at my age . My question is how can I remain friends with him. what is the right route to go?I have already explained the friendship could be seeing each other once a month, even 6 months , whatever fits his comfort level, he has always said whatever happens to us he wants us to be friends, even giving me a beautiful sapphire and diamond ring to signify eternity for us as friends .I am at a loss, I miss him and don't know what to do.I will be meeting him on Fri eve not at our homes, but in a restaurant for 2 hours, he offered as he wanted to say happy birthday but don't read any more into that. we have spoke on the phone twice in between, even the other day and there is a cold distance.Any advice would help??Thanks so much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2013): You can't make someone be friends with you who doesn't want it. Lots of people do not want to be friends with their ex's. Because it is awkward and it causes pain and it reminds you of all the things that are going wrong with this situation. Every time you see each other as "just friends" it reminds you of all the negative reasons that you are "only friends". Although I don't see how you can complain about his lack of commitment when you have not made any effort to divorce your husband. Maybe if you had divorced your husband your lover night have been more inclined to leave his wife too. But instead he saw you continue to stay married to your husband even though there is no serious illness involved or any other compelling excuse. That tells him loud and clear that you are just all talk and no walk. So why should he turn his family's life upside down for nothing? He is further along than you are since he at least lives in a different house from his wife. It is better for both of you to just break up and end all contact or else continue on in your affair without wanting more from it. Why don't you get divorced so you can be one step closer to finding a real relationship?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): If he truly loved you and wanted to be with you he would be with you. All men that have affairs always go on about how their wife or kids need them. As far as I am concerned its a load of BS. When they were having an affair then where was the importance of family. Further, if they so much as loved you, what about you getting hurt.
So take off those rose tinted glasses and accept that you are nothing more than a sex buddy and if you not putting out he does not want your friendship.
Don't go on this date on Friday as you need to accept that nothing can come of this and its over - don't continue to hurt yourself, let him go and start healing.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 November 2013):
 Well he's right you are both married and neither of you are in a position to be together with the other properly.
Personally I see no need or reason for us to be friends with ex lovers when it causes pain.
You are in pain when you see him, you want what you can't have and being friends with him will just reinforce that pain.
I think you can't be friends and that you should walk away from him since if you stay you will not be able to be strong and you will continue to cheat on your husband and he on his wife with you... until you are both divorced there is no hope for a friendship and an affair is just going to make you both hurt more.
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