A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in despair, and don't know what to make of it. I am married for 2 years, and have a 3 months old child. A week ago i found out from a so called "friend", that during the time when we were still engaged my husband went out with a friend of hers. The minute she told me that she stoped being my friend. What was the purpose of it, she only wanted to hurt me. I am breast feeding in addition to all of these, you just don't upset a breast feeding mother with news like that.She said, she doesn't know if they had an affair, but she knows for a fact they went out. I felt the earth is slipping from under my feet. Everything seemed so not making sense. Why, i don't understand, we are so much in love, now I don't even know anymore, may be its just me who is in love. Now every word he ever said seem like a lie to me. I confronted him, and he admitted they went out, but nothing happened. First he laughed, I just couldn't believe it. He didn't even look scared that I am going to leave him. He said, it was a long time ago, and he was freakingout of the whole wedding thing. Why was he freaking out? If he didn't want to marry me, then he shouldn't have to. I was not freaking out, I wanted to be with him forever, why was he freaking out? And why he called for a date with a girl we both met at one of the weddings. It's a nightmare for me, I just can't understand it. I never thought of him being promiscuous even a bit, he doesn't even look at girls as I an see. How can I be sure that it was just that one incident? I told my other childhood friend, she said that for me to leave would be a silliest thing, as he is wonderfull, and good husband and father, and everyone make mistakes.,What do you think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2014): Thank you all for answering, but yes, I consider going out with a girl( I don't understand why it mattered that we both knew her) is promiscuous. It was a DATE. Why? He was getting married, why to invite a girl on a date?
To do what n that date? What people do on dates? Would he like it if I went on a date? Andi it was so innocent, why I didn't know about it?why he didn't tell me?
No, I don't buy it that it was something innocent and never will.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 February 2014):
 I am sorry you are in despair.
You have a 3 month old child and you are breastfeeding (kudos for that) you are FULL of hormones and those will color your thought process deeply.
FIRST THING I advise you is to NOT Make any decisions while you are breastfeeding and recovering from pregnancy and child birth.
I have to question why your “friend” felt the need to tell you right now… perhaps she is jealous of your family and your life and wanted to throw a monkey wrench in the whole works. In addition she can’t even tell you what went on… it’s all supposition on her part. No matter, you have ended the friendship and are moving on from that now.
So they went out. Your husband does not deny this. His going out with someone else before the wedding was a betrayal of your trust but it does not mean he does not love you. It also does not mean that EVERY word he said was a lie.
You went to him and “confronted” him. I hope you were not angry when you “confronted” him and rather just questioned him about the information you received.
HE says they went out and nothing happened. Do you NOT believe him?
“he didn’t even look scared that I’m going to leave him” OP are you going to leave him? Is that even an OPTION for you? I wouldn’t be scared my partner of 2 years with a child would be leaving me for something I did over 2 years ago that wasn’t even that big a deal IMO. Clearly it’s a huge problem and issue for you but again I think pregnancy and breastfeeding hormones are coming into play here.
Just because HE was freaking out about the wedding does not mean he didn’t want to marry you. Just because YOU were not freaking out does not mean he didn’t have that right. Getting married for a guy means taking on the responsibility of a WIFE and a family.. providing for them. IT’s a huge step. He was not being caviler about it… he was nervous and freaking out (as seems rational and logical to me) YOU were getting married, out of your parents home and grasp and becoming a woman in charge of her own home… it’s very different for girls than boys… the job role of wife and mother seems to have less stress than that of husband father (add protector and provider).
He asked a girl you both knew…she was the one he knew… he wasn’t on dating sites trying to find someone to date… she just happened to be there….. HE WENT OUT WITH HER. how is going out on (how many dates was it) promiscuous?
How can you be sure it’ was just that one incident? DID YOU ASK HIM? Or is it that you no longer have any trust with this man? IF you don’t’ trust him at all and never will then leave now.
BUT I think that you should stay. I think you need to consider that hormones and shock are coloring your thinking.
I also think that if you ask him to go to couples counseling to work this out that he will go and that’s a GREAT idea.
You are hurt and feel betrayed. It’s a shock to think he went OUT (not had sex nor an affair but what ONE DATE?) while you were engaged. Are you really willing to throw a good marriage, a good husband and a good man, to the ground for this?
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (24 February 2014):
 Think about this…A real friend knows that info she is giving could cause problems in your relationship. She would not wait until after you got married to give you the truth. She would try to save you from marrying him in the first place. And what does that mean “she doesn't know if they had an affair”, then why bring it up. Why wait until now?Love him even more and not give people like her a chance to come between what you have.
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A
male
reader, crushed_by_love  +, writes (23 February 2014):
It seems your so called friend has done this out of spite, maybe even jealousy.She's been sitting on this for a couple of years and has decided to tell you now? Your husband has admitted it so you don't stand to gain anything by questioning it further.Yes he may have had the collywobbles but he's a responsible husband and father now which is the important thing.Maybe your friend can see this and is showing her jealousy because you've got something good going on.Ditch her and concentrate on making your marriage work.As your other friend says, people make mistakes but judge them on their subsequent behaviour. I hope it settles and works for you and your child grows up in a strong family unit.
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