A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am very confused... My husband and I have never really had much of a sex life and he hates french kissing, oral sex (given or received), as he says it's degrading. I ALWAYS have to initiate sex and even then it's such a chore to him. I always had a gut feeling that he struggled with homosexual thoughts even after the first time I met him, but he vehemently denied it and said he knew it was a choice for a person to be gay and that it was a perversion sent from the devil... He's a devout Christian as well!In 2008 after 3 years of marriage my suspicions became a reality when I found that he was addicted to gay porn. I found that he had actually purchased some right before we got married and then again right after and had continued to look at it quite a lot in sporadic periods. He told me one time that he had a problem with porn, but made it sound as if it was straight porn. As a matter of fact I could tell how nervous he was and was trying to convince me that he looked at "all kinds of porn," not only gay, yet ONLY man on man gay porn was on the computer. He was a virgin when we wed and had always wanted to wait until we were married to have sex. He was a 30 y/o virgin and TERRIFIED of sex with me. When we made love on our honeymoon, it was even early on that it was like a feeling of chore for him. It has gotten really bad to the point we maybe have sex once in six weeks and I have become so depressed that I really don't even care about my appearance. I mean, what does he care? I KNOW he doesn't want sex or romance with me? He told me he is not gay and that he couldn't marry someone if he was so gay that it affected him sexually towards his wife.... Well, umm, IT HAS AFFECTED YOU SEXUALLY!!! Stop lying to yourself. There's more to the story, like his obsessive relationships with a few of his friends where he was so jealous of them that he actually drove them away. They would have girlfriends and he would become extremely jealous and emotional. Also, I can tell he always prefers hanging out with his male friends and feels more comfortable around men, yet denial that he has homosexual tendencies is written all over him. I know he does not want to be gay or bi since he views it as a disgusting sin, yet I don't feel our marriage is going to get better in the long run if we can't truly "deal" with this thing, whatever it actually is-Bi-sexuality-Homosexuality?? He is a wonderful person and loves people, is a doting father, and one of those people everyone likes. He always has other people's best interests at heart. He has very recently admitted to struggling with homosexuality on an emotional level, but states would never want to have sex with another man as he's into voyeurism and hates the idea of someone else besides me touching him... I don't know what to do! I can't make him want me and I feel bringing it up drives him away as he's still in a lot of denial.
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male
reader, dude27  +, writes (27 January 2010):
i can see where he is coming from....it could be possible emotionally he wants to be with a girl but physically may wanna be with a man or maybe his just confused about some thoughts..no doubt he would love you and want to spend the rest of his life wth u..but there is gay thoughts lerking around.. questions u may wanna ask him is why do u watch gay porn??? does it turn u on???how long have u had these thoughts??? at the end of the day there would be no doubt he loves ya otherwise he wouldn't be there.. u may need to sit with him and have a deep and meaningfull..yes maybe he is bi or maybe its just a phase of curiosity who knows..he's the only one that would know probably just needs an honest chat.. on the other hand if he opened up to u and said he was bi what would u do??? would u allow an open and honest relationship??? would you maybe let him have a one night stand with a guy to see if he is gay?? u need to talk to him properly and discuss this as u do need to be happy.. and whos to say if he admits his bi that u cant still live happily at the end of the day if he does come out to u thats when its all up to u what u do next?? also there is some partners in life who are accepting of these situations and still live happily ever after :)
A
male
reader, dude27 +, writes (27 January 2010):
i can see where he is coming from....it could be possible emotionally he wants to be with a girl but physically may wanna be with a man or maybe his just confused about some thoughts..no doubt he would love you and want to spend the rest of his life wth u..but there is gay thoughts lerking around.. questions u may wanna ask him is why do u watch gay porn??? does it turn u on???how long have u had these thoughts??? at the end of the day there would be no doubt he loves ya otherwise he wouldn't be there.. u may need to sit with him and have a deep and meaningfull..yes maybe he is bi or maybe its just a phase of curiosity who knows..he's the only one that would know probably just needs an honest chat.. on the other hand if he opened up to u and said he was bi what would u do??? would u allow an open and honest relationship??? would you maybe let him have a one night stand with a guy to see if he is gay?? u need to talk to him properly and discuss this as u do need to be happy.. and whos to say if he admits his bi that u cant still live happily at the end of the day if he does come out to u thats when its all up to u what u do next?? also there is some partners in life who are accepting of these situations and still live happily ever after :)
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (22 January 2010):
 Sorry you only got one answer.. but there is nothing that anyone can add, thethingsthatyoutellyourself has said it all. Your husband is a Christian, and for many Christians, homosexuality is a sin. He admits to struggling with "homosexuality on an emotional level??????????"
Your husband doesn't sound bi-sexual, as has been said, he's a homosexual man who wants to be a happily married Christian father, even if it means having sex that he doesn't particularly enjoy.
We've confirmed what you are thinking, based on what you told us. The question now becomes, what will you do, how will you deal with this, what's your next move?
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