A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 5 years. I met my husband in my final year at university over 7 years ago. After the first few months together, my husband asked the dreaded question about how many sexual partners I had before him. He knew I'd been in 3 relationships before him, but he didn't know that I'd had other sexual partners outside of these relationships. I'd had a one night stand and an on off fling with a friend - all before I met my husband.My husband (who'd had no sexual partners before me) took the news really badly at the time, as he'd actually made good friends with the guy I had an on off fling with.We dealt with it at the time and I lost contact with the 'fling' guy and ex's that made my husband unhappy. He said it made him feel angry towards those people and angry towards me.Since then our relationship has been fine, my husband is a little insecure but it has never caused an issues.last weekend a friend of mine got married. Invited to the wedding was myself and my husband as well as the 'fling' guy and his wife!6 years down the line, I thought everything would be ok, as everybody has moved on and is happy.My husband told me he was a little apprehensive about going to the wedding and having to face this person again, but said he had time to get used to the idea and would be ok.However, when we got there, there was also an ex of mine there. We had a breif meeting with the 'fling' guy, my husband was civil to him but afterwards he said he couldn't handle it and we left after 10 minutes of being there.We drove home in silence and we haven't spoken properly since.I can not believe that after 6 years he still feels the same and that he couldn't just grin and bear it for the sake of my friend who was getting married - whom my husband gets on with.I feel annoyed and embarrased that we left like that - knowing that other friends from uni, that I hadn't seen for a long time, were there and would know that we just disappeared.I know my husband is probably beating himself up about it.How should I handle the situation?Please help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2007): You could try telling your husband that it's him you married, and therefore you considered him an all-round better catch than all the others.
It's a pity he didn't have any previous lovers, he probably wouldn't feel as insecure if he had.
You also need to tell him how much better he is, whether that's truthful or not is unimportant, he might then feel a little more secure.
Phil
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2007):
I guess in this situation it is something more that your husband has to do. I'm glad you finish the question by acknowledging that he is probably beating himself up about it because I'd agree. Insecure people like your husband don't set out to seem controlling but that is often how it looks.
I suppose one of two things need to happen, either you don't really talk about what happened and continue to try and avoid any situations where an ex might turn up and neither of you ultimately are happy, or you have him work towards understanding that it is seriously upsetting you that you can't occasionally meet up with these old friends and enjoy your time with them.
I'm sure we can all understand it from your husband's perspective, but he needs to acknowledge that this is ultimately his problem, not yours. Whilst you should support and reassure him, I do think he needs to be able to deal with this so that he can work to becoming comfortable in a similar situation in the future.
I think we have all been there at some point in our life; having to meet some past ex, or a person of our partners part who we did not have to meet, haven't we? I think the vast majority of us learn a lot about relationships when we get through something like that but unfortunately there are always a few who remain insecure and never really tackle the core the problem; insecurity and self-doubt.
You sound like a really reasonable and caring wife and I hope that your husband can be rational about this and deal with the situation in such a way that it doesn't happen again. Who knows - perhaps he has beaten himself up so much about this that he might be OK with it in the future?
I think all this is something you are entitled to talk to him about and I think if you can explain it in the same way as you have explained it on here then he should be receptive about talking about it. You put it all rationally and that together with remaining caring and reassuring to his needs is providing him with so much encouragement to want to fulfill your needs.
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A
female
reader, agony87 +, writes (7 August 2007):
 I think its time for your husband to just let go of whats happened between you and your 'fling' whats happened between you both is in the past and your with your husband now.
I think it was wrong for him to make you feel like you had to leave your friends you hadnt seen for so long. I would comfront him and tell him if he cant deal with his insecurities then hes not going to anymore social events with you! ; )
But seriously i think you need a chat with him and tell him to let go of the past or its going to make things difficult in your relationship.
good luck
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