A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband told me he had been male-raped. I offered to support him, but it seems like he's had a major personality change since the incident.He's started smoking heavily, yet he never used to smoke at all, and used to be anti-smoking - and he's also become obsessed with eating and drinking alcohol with every meal.I've offered to get him counselling, but he just lashed out at me and asked me to buy him $500 worth of alcoholic drink.How should I deal with this issue?? what would you do in my situation??
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female
reader, love-him  +, writes (12 July 2007):
 Hi babe.
When i was 12, i was raped. I am now 16. What your husband is experiencing, is something which you wont be able to understand unless you have been through it or something similar. The reason he is lashing out, is because he feels there is not much more he can do, his emotions are over powering him.
I strongly suggest he sees someone for it, and also i suggest he tells someone. Even though he may feel humiliated and people may think things of him, the first thing they will think of is what he has been through and it takes great courage to talk to people about it. I kept my ordeal to myself for 3 YEARS.
The best way you can deal with it, is explain you wont buy him cigs and alcohol because thats the wrong way to deal with it, you need him to know you are always there to listen and help. But if he doesnt want to talk about it, dont force him, that will only push him into a corner. I realy suggest he tells the police. Any type of rapist, is disgusting and dispicable.
I realy hope i helped,
Please do mail me if you need to talk x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): Whatever it takes you both need professional support. Rape is not something to deal with in secret between the two of you and with the greatest respect to you it is far too big a responsibility and pressure to do this on your own. Is there a male friend or someone for whom he has respect that can encourage him to get support... or a Doctor? Shame, guilt, trying to be tough are all happening right now - but the 'self destructive' habits that he is now engaging in are coping strategies that are a downward spiral. I urge you also to seek support for yourself during this difficult time as the advice you receive will keep things going in the right direction. Are there any articles that you can find that show positive outcomes from these experiences - something he can resonate with that makes him think "that is how I feel" so that you are not putting the idea in his head. Good luck with this.
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A
female
reader, TaylorChu  +, writes (12 July 2007):
 Refuse to buy him alcohol. You dont have to do it so dont do it. He is medicating himself to deal with the inner turmoil he is dealing with. Most likely he is dealing with being humiliated, asking himself if this means he is gay and anger and other feelings of pain.
As a man he is going to feel that he can deal with it and doesnt need outside help but as you can see he has turned to drinking to make himself feel better. Though you offered counseling, you go to see what you can do to help him get through this. Find groups that deal with rape, sit in on them or ask for information specifically for men who have been sodomized. Tell him that when he is ready to talk about getting help that you are right there with him. Build him up as much as possible. He wants to feel like a man again and feel whole and he will need as much of your support as you can give. Don't over do it but pump him up to where you can see it is making a difference in him daily.
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