A
female
age
51-59,
*adlyhurt
writes: i've been married for 17 years and have tried to be a devoted wife and mother, even sacrificing my career and my time with my mother for the sake of the family. i have 2 beautiful children who will pass out of school in a couple of years.also, the responsibility of running the house is on me as he keeps quite busy and has also withdrawn from household affairs.I have found out that my husband is in love with someone else,who has settled down in another country.right now their affair is restricted to chat including porn chat.but i know that this thing started when she was in the same city, so i wdn't be surprised if they have shared some level of intimacy.now he wants to take me for a 'visit' to this woman's house. even i fail to understand what is going on in his mind. they are desperate to meet each other- that much i could make out from their conversation and from the way he has been trying to smarten up and shed weight like a madman before the trip. he claims he is taking me as i have never been abroad, while the kids have, for school trips. i was pretty grateful to him till i found out. i guess he wants his girlfriend to have a look at me, or maybe taking me along will make him feel less guilty.he is not a bad person, maybe he still cares for me a bit. but what really galls me is that he has shifted residence to ensure i am at stone's throw from his parents'. so i spend all my time looking after them, the house and the kids while he is having a good timeI don't know what to do. Should i confront him and lose out on this trip which i will never be able to afford on my own? should i accumulate more proof and get in touch with her husband?should i threaten to bring it out in the open, knowing how devastated the kids will be?i hv spent my entire adult life looking after my inlaws. i have even changed the way i work and dress just to please them . they are very sweet, but old and quite dependent pn me. this news will shatter them. i realize my mistake: i shd have kept an eye on him and wondered what he was doing for hours at the computer. i should have taken time out from my school and housework to look after my appearance, but i guess it's too late for regrets. what do i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): Badly Hurt, sorry for responding so late, work and life just caught up with me.
Firstly: congratulations in being brave and proactive in telling the OWs hb about this affair. It doesn't matter whether he believed you or whether the outcome was not what u expected. You did the right thing and if he prefers to be a cuckold then that's that.
Then, your so called respectable doctor hb is anything but. Installing a keylogger. Low and well I am sure nothing he does will come as a surprise to u anymore. you are right I am sure he has been reading this thread with interest. But DO NOT fear. You have done nothing wrong- u are just his faithful wife and ever defendant mother of his kids, slave to his family and well, if he doesn't value you, another man can and will see your strengths and your value. I am not advocating that u have your own affair now, but merely advising that you need to know your own self worth.
I am glad you have realised that u still have to take care of yourself. Do not let your cheating hb steal your mojo and zest for life. You groom yourself, wear makeup and basically your revenge will be living a good life. For yourself. So dress to kill, be well groomed, go out with friends or even alone, enjoy your quality life and just learn to dance in the rain!
Your hb just doesn't realise what I gem he does have in you. So he wants the wayward other married woman? Whose hb is so naïve and ignorant, well everything has been revealed so you have nothing more to lose.
If you do divorce eventually do not be afraid. Your hb would become the laughing stock to the locals, his peers and friends/family if he does not fulfill his paternal duty and send your kids to university. Your hb would rather die than let people judge him and bec of your culture, he knows what keeping up appearances mean. Meaning he will pretend that he is this good faithful hb and that he can/will pull the wool over everyones eyes.
I do not expect you to just consent to a divorce. I mentioned becoming financially fit and for you to upskill on the divorce laws in your country, I can bet u your hb is doing the same. Plse do not be fooled. Your hb is very smart, very strategic and very much a manipulator. Expect the worse and if he does amend his ways then you know that your heartache and pain was not in vain.
I am glad school will be reopening. This will give u time to worry about other things instead of only your cheating hb.
Your hb thinks that he has won and that he has you finally. Plse do not dispair. Do you believe in Karma: watch the wheel turn and bite him in the a$$, that can be your ultimate revenge where he pays for attempting to destroy you.
Stay in this marriage for as long as possible but do not let your gurad down: your hb cannot be trusted. But enjoy the benefits of this marriage bec u deserve it.
All is not lost my friend: in your turmoil you discovered yourself. U should u are made of stronger stuff, that u are resilient and that u will not go down without a fight.
You are a good person, a decent human being and you should believe in yourself.
I wish u well, happiness and love and want u to know that u are respected and admired for your dignified manner in which you have behaved in this mess.
Be kind to yourself and love yourself.
You did good girl!
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, badlyhurt +, writes (17 June 2011):
badlyhurt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot, Rescuer, for your encouraging words. God knows I badly needed them.I was all prepared to get a dressing down from everyone for not walking out of the marriage , but I guess I've made my compulsions fairly clear. Yes, I do try to meditate, but believe me, it's not easy any more with so much stress in my mind.And since I am basically a simple,non-scheming kind of a person,I feel quite drained out as a result of all these mind games.Also, I really have to work very hard at controlling my temper- there is so much bitterness inside me that it keeps coming out in the form of barbs, abuses and temper tantrums. I realise that these will not help to solve any problem, and I am working hard to become as normal as possible.I am sure the reopening of school in July, after the summer break, will help to take my mind off my misery, just as it did earlier(God bless those naughty, spoilt brats and Thank God for the unending deadlines in school!!)I am already feeling a little more cheerful !!I appreciate your advice about dressing up well to build up my own self confidence- Style matters much more than substance these days. Your outward appearance makes a lot of difference to the respect you get from your colleagues as well as students.So I am going to take up your advice- dress up well and try to excel professionally.It's possible that He is also reading this page . But I really don't care- In fact , this should act like I am holding up a mirror to him and reveal to him all the horror and misery I have undergone because of him. He will also realise that my happiness is in MY hands and I am determined to lead a cheerful life irrespective of his cold and aloof behaviour towards me. I shall not be posting any more updates on this page, for obvious reasons,but i shall definitely ask questions again on dearcupid if I need any more advice. Thanks to everyone, especially my two special agony aunts for all the support and useful advice.
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A
female
reader, badlyhurt +, writes (15 June 2011):
badlyhurt is verified as being by the original poster of the question I decided to take your advice and finally mustered the courage to inform her hb. I got his email id from my hb's fb a/c and contacted him , saying i wanted to discuss something very imp with him and not to tell his wife about it.Can you imagine what was that dimwit's reaction?He rang up and emailed my hb with a copy of my email, asking him what i was up to.Can you imagine what a soup I was in?I found his number and called him up to warn him about what was going on and also threatened Her that if she contacted my hb again her cosy nest would fall apart.You know what was the reaction to that? my hb confronted me, saying the hb was asking him why they were getting threatening calls from people!!!The next day, I found all their chat records carefully deleted from both my email a/cs.Thank God i had a premonition and had opened a third a/c where all the mail is stored safely. My kids are totally with me and it was my son who discovered that my hb had installed a spyware on the desktop called free keylogger which gives him info every time i press a key. that is how he had hacked my a/cs and it would tell him if i had sent mail to the hb.. But in spite of my best efforts, i am not able to hack even one of his a/cs, and the private detectives are asking for too much money, which I cannot afford. Anyway, i am not interested as the emails are safe with me.He is happy as he thinks he is keeping tabs on me and i let him read all the harmless email from the hacked a/c and delete the important mails. I think I really managed to scare the wife,though contacting the hb has really boomeranged. Either he has really low IQ(which explains his hosting us in the first place without the least bit of suspicion) or maybe they have an "open" marriage where they have no problems with this kind of behaviour from either of them.The problem is , neither I nor my brother has enough money for the kids' college education(he has two small kids of his own). I am really missing my parents at this juncture. Had they been alive, I would have never hesitated before leaving him, at least till he mended his ways. Now, I guess I have to put up with him for another five years or so, till the kids pass out of college. His behaviour at present is quite tolerable as long as I don't bring up the past and start taunting him or throwing a tantrum.one good thing is, he will never again dare raise his hands on me because i have warned him that I will report it to the police.once I showed the mails to my in -laws, they kind of understood my predicament and counselled him. But we have to understand that they are old and totally dependent on him (he is a very caring son, besides being a doctor)and therefore cannot afford to antagonise him. So, if it comes to the crunch, i know i can't bank on them or count on their support ( in the court and in front of other people).And the court cases drag on for years before the wife gets any alimony. Even the child custody laws are loaded in favour of men. Even so, I shall take lovegirl's advice and educate myself on the latest divorce laws. I shall also try to make more money, either by taking extra tuitions or by changing my job(i am already teaching in a very prestigious school). When I thought he had ended the affair, I had actually taken steps to change my wardrobe and take better care of my appearance( I am not bad looking, and he seemed to appreciate the change), but now i am no longer interested in making the effort. I hope you understand my position and my compulsions.I know it is a sham of a marriage, but what choice do i have?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): As a person in the legal industry I suggest u do your homework. Become financially fit!Sadly your marriage is almost over. I suggested u contact her hb. I am certain u did not. I basically want to shake you until you come to your sense. If you want to salvage this marriage then involve her hb. What do u have to lose?Why are u still playing nice? Your hb had evidence of the scratch marks to use against u. Can u now comprehend the extent he was going to go to discredit you? U do not know what u are dealing with and now slowly I hope u are beginning to understand.Don't place too much of faith in your BIL and FIL. In the end blood is thicker. You know this. Plse also remember that his father forced him to fetch you. He did not do this on his own accord.Time to stop being so naïve and so basic. You need to take appropriate action. However I feel that u are stubborn by not involving her hb. What are u afraid of? If you don't involve her hb and expose the affair then all our advice and sympathies are lost.Sorry to be harsh but its really frustrating when the solution is in the damage control but you are choosing not to address it.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, badlyhurt +, writes (31 May 2011):
badlyhurt is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear aunts,well, he came over to my bro's place last week and promised it was all over between them and also that he wouldn't force me to go to my in- laws house unless i felt like it.when i also asked him to promise he wouldn't raise his hands on me , he insisted it had to be 'we' as i had also scratched him badly.Anyway, I made him sign all these things before coming home.I understood that one reason he came to take me back was because we had to shift our residence as the lease on the previous house was getting over.The first few days he was very contrite and assured me that we would both forget the past and only look towards the future.on the fourth day,evrybody had gone to sleep and i was sleepless, so i thought i would just play around with the apps on his I- phone and what do i see?I saw that he had taken close ups of the scratch marks on his arms (I had scratched him when he was pulling me to the other room).I quietly deleted those snaps and then came across a video he had made in the car when she was driving.there was no road, no wife in this video, only this woman.We had a major argument that night which then got sorted out the next day.Till the shifting he was ok,even going to the extent of agreeing to buy exhorbitantly priced curtains for the living room and going with me to buy furniture. However, from the night we shifted, i again noticed a distinct change in his behaviour towards me.After the first day, he stopped helping me with the unpacking-just sat in front of the laptop and would disappear for his walk b/w 9 and 10 pm.He also became very cold and aloof with me.This morning, i rang up the customer care executive from his phone ( herculean task to get my hands on it as he sleeps on it )and guess what he told me ???there were FIFTY messages almost daily from his phone to hers(in the US)and some phone calls.The problem is, they can only give me info on outgoing calls and it is generally SHE who calls up as calls are cheaper from there.he has been vehemently denying any contact with her after coming back,so i shall confront him once I have collected the billing details from the nearest service centre, after showing his id proof.all this will take some time,so i am here in the house with him.About my in laws, there are two people who have been absolute gems because of their sense of fairness and impartiality.one is his elder brother,who ( can u believe it !!) has been advising me against his own brother and the second is my father in-law who was instrumental in sending my husband to fetch me. But I am still not going to their house because of his mom's and sister's behaviour.anyway, all this is irrelevant now. I still want to save my marriage, but separation now appears to be a very real possibility.i just want to be very sure and to collect all the proof and my jewellery before taking any hasty step.I would like to thank my agony aunts for helping me unburden myself and for giving me such sensible advice,especially rescuer and lovegirl. I feel a certain kinship with you and will post my final status after some time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): THAT Man assaulted you??!!! WTF
Now is the time to take a deep breath and strategise:
- the IN LAWS have chosen their son over you.so be wise and do not tell them anything about the state of your marriage.
- your hb will now be seeking "affection" from the other woman. He will be using her strength during this time to cope with u leaving. Now during this turmoil of your marriage he will be secretly getting closer emotionally with her.
- now is the time to have a good heart to heart with HER hb. You are basically doing damage control now for the survival of your marriage.
- be alive! Show it in the way u walk, dress, behave. Be confident and not mousy.a lot of abused wives just throw in the towel and don't care about their lives.
- read up about separation and divorce. Be realistic.
- do not trust your hb. However I realise the challenges u face as a divorced person in India. So there is still stigma attached to divorced women but what about abused women???
- still be loving and caring to your kids. You do not have to blacken their father and his parents to them but be honest and tell them the truth. These kids will be your lifeline in times to come.
In the end I hope u can salvage your marriage BUT you need to put a few things into place first, exp telling the other womans hb.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, badlyhurt +, writes (18 May 2011):
badlyhurt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSTATUS UPDATE ON MY QUESTION POSTED ON 7TH APRIL 2011Well, the trip is over...it was more of a punishment than a honeymoon.i ensured that they were not left together for any length of time. but boy, is she attractive!! She was a model for YSL at age 16 n has also performed in music videos. she knows how to enhance her figure using silicone n padding.am i abnormal if i don't like doing all this? anyway, she was dripping with honey with me, esp after she came to know that i knew everything.she also said they had just been "Fooling around", but had no answer when i quoted specific portions from the mails and chats.she just promised me it wouldn't happen again and went out of her way to help me n take me shopping for the family, etc.the problem is,now that the trip is over and he has got what he wanted, my hb's behaviour has undergone a sea change.he was very sweet the first 2-3 days but on the fourth day, he suddenly became violent and assaulted me after a fight. of course, then he apologised and i forgave him. the next day, he casually rang up my brother( whom he never calls without reason)to check if i had said anything to him. i had not mentioned anything to my bro bec at the time he was facing major professional probs of his own and i didnt want to add to his worries.once this man was assured of my silence, his behaviour became even more obnoxious and abrasive. so i was forced to tell everything to my bro and sis in law who were so shocked that they called me home immediately.now i am in their house for five days.his mother and sis, on whom i was counting on for support after all i've done for them ,have turned around and are blaming ME squarely for both his affair and the assault,saying he has been 'pushed ' and 'provoked' into doing both the things by my short temper and my nature. now, i have decided that i am NOT leaving my bro's house till i have an assurance in writing that he will never again engage in adultry or violence.if he breaks his word, i'll go n tell his ceo in his hospital and will also call the crime against women cell.. now the pressure is on them, as they will have to fend off questions from friends and relatives abt my continued absence from the house.in a day or two, they will be desperate for me to come back home(they can hardly manage without my help)and then i should be able to lay down certain rules n conditions. am i doing the right thing? is there anything else i can do to safeguard my position?i have told the children everything(in-laws call it 'poisoning' them) and they are 100% with me.i would have walked out but i cant afford their college education on my own, esp if i send them abroad.. moreover, the house is as much mine as his, if not more,so why should i forfeit my claim to it by walking out?once the kids are settled in a few years, i shall take a call whether this man has mended his ways and whether i should stay with him or not.
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A
female
reader, badlyhurt +, writes (19 April 2011):
badlyhurt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto my first male advisorYes, that is partly the problem.Even though i can make out from their mails that they are besotted with each other, he is still not ready to accept that he loves her.he claims they were just "fooling around"online and none of the intimate talk was real as he has never slept with her.He wants me to believe that i am still the only person he loves and wants to live with.Of course, I find it very hard to believe.and don't you think he was two timing both of us, when he got out of bed with me and logged on to tell her that he had been dreaming about her and he woke up thinking of her? and what about taking her name while he was in bed with me?If he was so madly in love with her, he should have left me alone, which he didn't, unless I had school work.In her reply to his mail, she has flatly denied the existence of any kind of an affair between them.i think she was comfortable with it as long as it was online, but wouldn't like to face it in reality, esp in front of her hb.anyway, things are pretty unpleasant at home, with my daughter asking me what's going on between both of us.people are also finding my lack of excitement for the trip v suspicious_ no last min shopping or visit to the parlour.We havent even bought any gifts for the hosts. you think I want to carry a gift for the person who has ruined my happy married life?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): Beware:When your hb sees his 'emotional' lover you will then only realise what you have lost. The 'love/lust' will be written all over his face and the fact that he will be in her home, near her bedroom, in the flesh with her, will surely end your marriage.You have chosen not to protect your marriage and sadly you will pay the price. If your hb hasn't slept with her before, he will do so, right under your nose and u will be powerless to do anything.Have you told your brother and his parents what he has been up to? You are an educated woman, why are you his and her doormat?Have you considered confronting her? Have you even considered printing out those emails and showing it to her hb? Bec if you don't, you will be just another pitiful wife who allows her hb to trample over her.If you are not proactive you will lose him forever and then u will only have yourself to blame.Realise this: the other woman is opening her home to her lover and his backwards wife. I know this hurts but how else do u see yourself. You will be in her territory, her domain and she will make certain she gets your man. She will be the fake gracious hostess, but making certain that your hb is besotted with her. She is spinning a web and you are trapped.You are an educated woman, not a doormat, and certainly not this pitiful person your hb has no respect for. He did wrong and makes you pay for his affair. Stop taking care of his parents. Become your own woman- wear modern clothes, show your figure, reveal some cleavage and become confident. Let your hb see that underneath that doormat mentality lies a fiery woman who can get any man.Tit for tat? No, just taking what you deserve: happiness and love.LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): I think you have not heard from males because they think it outrageous to stay with someone who loves another. The reason does not matter, the concept is inconceivable from a males perspective. You seem intent on staying, so what is there to say?
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A
female
reader, badlyhurt +, writes (19 April 2011):
badlyhurt is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni shall post an update in a day or twoit was not poss to make alternative staying arrangements, so it seems i have to stay with her... and when i read their chats... i almost feel guilty for being his wife! they really get along so well, they are almost soulmates!!in the west, he wd've left me a long time back and got married to her, but here he's stuck with me, and so is she with her husband , which is why the thought of living in her house and enjoying her hospitality gives me the creeps!!! when I am with him, he is loving and remorseful, provided i forgive him and don't hold anything against him.But he hasn't spoken to me since yesterday when I called him a two-timing bastard...what do i do... i get so jealous when i read their mail!!!
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A
female
reader, badlyhurt +, writes (12 April 2011):
badlyhurt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear rescuer,I can't meet her as she lives in another continent!!She does visit India around once a year or so to meet her motherwhy do you think I knew something was wrong when my husband who is too lazy to take the kids 400 km for a holiday was suddenly ready to take me hundeds of miles away!Anyway,I am helping him draft the letter he is going to send her making things very clear to her and I expect that she would either like to talk to me or exchange mail with me.anyway , the positive fallout of all this is that we have stopped taking each other for granted now.i have started paying more attention to my appearance and to his physical needs, something I had been remiss in after my bereavement.He does appear quite remorseful and loving,much more than he's been in recent memory.I wonder if this episode will actually bring us closer together?make no mistake, I still do have my moments of self doubt and insecurity,but when I am with him, he is very reassuring and loving; and I feel everything is going to be okay.
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A
female
reader, badlyhurt +, writes (12 April 2011):
badlyhurt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFriends,
I think you are right about his being careful because i am in a position to "ruin"his trip.that is the reason he is being extra sweet and reining in his temper.
remember i said that he had promised to tell me his password and to break off all contact with her?
well he did tell me his password and then promptly forwarded all his msgs to another e-mail id. today when i was trying to look at his fingers while he was typing his password, he walked out in a huff n refused to tell me what it was.
secondly,he has stopped getting mail from her, but that is after a conversation that he had with her while at work.
i had clearly told him that i wanted to see his last mail to her or be around when he spoke to her. now he is talking about drafting the mail, but what's the point when he has already spoken to her behind my back and told her that i know?how do i make sure that he has actually cut off all ties with her?he can speak to her from his hospital, or he can log in after i leave for school(he leaves a couple of hours later). this time,of course, he wd be smart enough to delete all his mail.
re your question, rescuer, we'll be staying at their place for about 3-4 days initally and thaen another 2-3 days after coming back from the other city.
lovegirl,re his roving eye, he has sworn on the children whom he also loves a lot that he will never do it again.
whenever i talk about cancelling the trip, he becomes very offensive and unpleasant and asks me what reason i am going to give everyone..one thing is for sure, he has promised he will NEVER ever take me and the kids anywhere if i cancel this trip.
Whatever his flaws, I DON"T want to leave him as i still love him and the kids also need him.it will become very difficult for me to live with him if i refuse this trip.and he says i am free to talk to her about anything while i am there, but not in front of her husband. also, he has promised that he won't be sneaking around with her while we are ther. My heart SO wants to believe him but a small voice in my head warns me against being made a fool of all over again.
Finally isn't it strange that i got advice only from females? it shows that most men think nothing of an affair like this and probably think i have overreacted.That's what my hb keeps telling me...that it wd have never turned physical,that i am overreacting to harmless chats but how do i know that?why is he going all the way to her house if it was so harmless?
i guess it is my call, finally,and being an indian woman in an arranged marriage, i guess i'll continue being a doormat, albeit with a little more say than before in the marriage.
I'd like to thank my favourite agony aunts and exchange emails privately with them,if they have no problems.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): Girl you are walking into the Lions DenHow do u face her knowing what u do? that she and your hb want to get it on?You know your situation better than anyone else..........as for your hb well....you have your hands full. you know that he now has a roving eye and is on the lookout for meat outside your marriage.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, badlyhurt +, writes (10 April 2011):
badlyhurt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy dear rescuer and lovegirlcontrary to what you say, it appears to be my best bet to save my marriage...the problem is... the trip is partly sponsored by a company. If it is cancelled, they r not likely to do it next time.if i agree , he is very contrite n sweet with me and has promised not to repeat his mistake in the future.if, on the other hand, i make him change his plans, for which it is already a lil late,things may become unpleasant and he may drift even further apart from me.the thing is, he doesn't consider it to be an extra marital affair at all as they've never been physically intimate. i agree that probably it is more of an amotional affair, but no one can deny that there's been an invasion of my marital privacy...the've discussed each n everything under the sun, including their families n spouses in great detail.i can control his activities at home, but what do i do when he is at work?I can't control his heart...he says i've been so busy working that i didn't have time for him physically or mentally...guess he doess have a point there n i have decided to give him more attention in the future... and as lovegirl had suggested, i can utilise the trip to get him closer as we r not staying with THEM throughout... we'll also be visiting other nice places.....tell me if i am still wrong. and thanx for all your time!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011): Embarrassing or not, what is more important: your marriage or saving face.Your hb is a master manipulator. He will get his wishes: meaning his wife, the doormat, will cave in and stay with his other love, at her house.Whatever you decide, decide what is more important: marriage or holiday or saving face.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, badlyhurt +, writes (10 April 2011):
badlyhurt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmMy status update on 10/4/1:Theres too much going on simultaneously...it's v difficult to makw alternative arrangements,so he is trying to pressurise me into staying with THEM.Embarassing to explain to every1 if the trip is cancelled.3 nights and i still havent finished reading their chat mail: He is blowing hot n cold. fighting bitterly with me 1 min and trying to console me n take my out for dinner the next.am totally confused, need to give everything some more thought before deciding on my course of action...came to know that the 'friends'who started off by discussing medicines and spiritualism were not averse to discussing their sex life with each other!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): Wow badly hurt: your frank confrontation with your hb actually saved your marriage.Now that u know he is/was feeling unappreciated/"unloved" I think it is time to put that spark back in your marriage.Do u own any sexy night wear? How about making yourself desirable for him again?Sex will not cure your 'cheating' hbs heart and mind but he will start focusing on u again. And he should!Your role should not only be that of caring for his elderly parent: you are a desirable wife, an intellectual, a home maker, a seductress all rolled in one. So put on that smile and work your magic and save your marriage.Oh and if u are too traditional you need to start making subtle changes: meaning SHOW your hb what he may lose. A little bit more flesh, a shorter skirt, new hairdo? Something to show him that beneath the conservative wife burns a fire....Good luck: your problems are not over BUT you have salvaged your marriage.still check his email/cell. Just monitor him. This will save you heartache in the long run.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, badlyhurt +, writes (8 April 2011):
badlyhurt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy present status on 8th april:
following the advice of my rescuer and my anonymous well wisher, i confrontedmy hb last night. can u imagine? he pretended that he didn't know what i was talking about till i repeated their conversation verbatim to him.you are right, it was more of an emotional than a physical relationship and he refuses to admit even to himself that he has cheated on me, as he says he has never slept with her. i had a tough time explaining to him that one has to be faithful to one's partner in mind, body and soul.if he has told her that he loves her forever and used the same terms of endearment that he uses for me,if he has given a graphically described hug to her over chat, and if he is asking her bra size, he has most definitely crossed all lines of decency and violated his marriage vows.
finally ,he admitted that he has made a big mistake and hurt me very badly.obviously, he had to choose me over her because SHE is not going to come to India to look after his children and his aging parents.plus what i mentioned about the social stigma.
so now either the trip is off or we make alternative arrangements for staying.
he was quite remorseful when he realized what this whole affair has done to my psyche and my self confidence. he has sworn on the children that he is not going to speak to her ever again,except i hv allowed him to make 1 last call or send one last mail to tell her it's over.
you know, contrary to our image of the home breaker,she is the one who keeps insisting that what is going on is wrong and they should keep it to pure friendship.and i cud see that they really cud connect mentally...too bad both are married and with commitments. but for my husband's lust , they cud have had a beautiful friendship,and i wdn't hv minded it even it ate into my time with him.then he turned around and tried to shift the blame on me, saying that for several months i had completely lost my sexual desire when my mom passed away.plus very often i hv my schoolwork with deadlines which leaves me with no time for him.on top of that i can have a vicious temper when i get stressed out,which is very often, considering the responsibilities i shoulder.
of course i told him this was no excuse for what he has done, and finally, for the first time in 17 years, I realised that I had the upper hand in the marriage.I was in a position to dictate terms to him, such as:
he wd tell me his password.
he will not shut the door while at the computer or even sit for too long there.
he will make alternative arrangements for our stay or cancel my ticket( of course, he wdnt go without me)
he will never get in touch with that woman,even as a patient.
he will never repeat anything like this ever again, otherwise our marriage is over.
since he is contrite and wants to make amends, i have refrained from telling my bro or her hb.
So things are fairly under control,even though the damage is done. a big thank you to both my agony aunts,who gave me the strength to stand up for myself and to stop being a doormat.
i have learnt my lesson though, and will always be vigilant in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): Madam !
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but your marriage as you knew it is over. My hope for you is that you can come out of it with your self respect and dignity. It may hurt, but your man's attentions are engaged elsewhere. He is looking at you for running his home and family and outside for pleasure. If you wish to salvage our marriage, please sit him down and speak to him about this seriously, without tears tantrums and excessive emotion. Remind him about the love, time and effort it took to build a family, and ask him whether he wants to throw it all away for this other woman.
Also forget revenge or getting her husband involved. Your husband will waste no time in portraying you as a jealous wife, who misunderstands a platonic friendship and will squarely blame you for the rift in your marriage.
I wish you good luck in your future.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): please keep all your evidence just in case u need it later on.your hb is so very clever - he will destroy all info and he will try not to get caught. he will also make you believe u are going mad and he will shift the blame and your family will think you are making up stories.yes, please tell her hb, send him all the evidence as well. be prepared for warefare. tell your brother as well. because this is an arranged marriage , your hb may think you are desperate to be with him and that bec divorce is still frowned upon in your country, u will just accept his affair.be WISE, do your homework. keep evidence, even print it out and keep it in a safe place. DO NOT tell him u have a printed copy. basically there is an enemy in your marriage and you need to eliminate that threat. a hoilday is justa holiday...........means nothing if your hb is planning to meet his lover/mistress/or whatever she is. so the key is to invlove her hb and tell him what these 2 are up to, better still forward the emails from your hb computer to her hb. if u allow him to take u on holiday your marriage will end.this other woman has been blatantly disrespectful to you and her hb. she even wants her potential lover to be in the same house with her hb. meaning she will sneak around with yor hb when u and her hb are not alert.you may not get the dream holiday but you will save your marriage. AND THAT IS MORE IMPORTANT.LoveGirl
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reader, badlyhurt +, writes (7 April 2011):
badlyhurt is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear anonymous,
thanks for your advice and concern.you are right, i must confront him NOW. I shall do so as soon as i have forwarded all his mail to my account.
even i was looking forward to this trip as a romantic getaway or a second honeymoon. but the problem is , we cant afford lodging, that's why we are staying with friends at both cities. the whole trip is woven around HER invitation to both of us to come and stay with them and the husband apparently has no problem because he thinks it's a platonic friendship,just like i did. Of course,my husband is telling everyone that he is taking me abroad for a holiday. i really dont know what kind of a holiday it will turn out to be, if we stay in her house.
also, pl tell me if i shd tell her husband and my brother about all this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): This sounds like an emotional, rather than a physical, affair. I am sure that, weird as it sounds, your husband is taking you along because he does not believe that what he has done is cheating, and he thinks that if you are there, it is somehow legitimate and above board. I imagine he will be completely defensive when you suggest that this is an affair, and will try to convince you that it isn't. If he persists in this course, you should threaten to show the emails to relatives and friends and see whose perspective they agree with!!I think you should confront him about this right now. Time to lay down the law. Insist that he breaks off all contact with this woman. He has shown that he is not trustworthy and if he wants to regain your trust he must sacrifice some of his right to privacy and ensure that all of his computer activity and records are kept completely public. No more contact, no more online cheating!Also, you are his WIFE, and you have given him so much love and dutiful care. If he can afford to go abroad, he should take you along to treat YOU, not to meet someone else! I am horrified that someone who is clearly so intelligent and so desperate to speak to other cultures isn't being treated to a holiday by her man, yet he can find the time and money to fly away to see someone else. You need to stand up for your marital rights, girl! Not only do you richly deserve a holiday, but this could be your chance to reconnect as a couple - instead of being a semi-adulterous trip, it could become a romantic getaway that revitalizes your marriage. That might be a good way of 'selling' the idea of it to your partner.
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reader, badlyhurt +, writes (7 April 2011):
badlyhurt is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear rescuer,thanx for ur advice.first, let me clarify a few things:i have JUST come across the mails last night, so i had no proof before that.i havent slept a wink for the last twenty four hours.i just can't think straight , as all the various lines of action keep coming up in my mind.she was his patient about 5 years ago, and when i look back , that's about the time i noticed a definite lack of interest and affection from his side. things improved after she went and settled down abroad, but for the past one year or so, guess this has been on ever since she came back as a patientlast year.i am piecing everything together even as i am typing, and things have become fairly clear now.the sense of betrayal is unbearable:i took leave from school today and don't know how i shall face it tomorrow.two weeks back, i did confront him once, when he took her name in bed instead of mine,but he totally denied it. he swore there was no one in his life besides me. guess i chose to believe him as it was the easier way out. also, i have always felt that marriage should be based on trust and not suspicion.guess i was too innocent and naive.after that episode, i became the suspicious and started nosing around.you are right, it is an arranged marriage and in india, there is still some amount of social stigma attached to a divorced woman, and the alimony laws aren't as favourable to women as they are in the west. moreover,because i gave up my job after marriage for 8 years before changing my career and becoming a teacher, i don't have too much of savings or a support system. my parents are no more, and i can't really impose on my brother and his family for long, howsoever good they may be.i was kind of hoping that after they meet, the charm and the excitement would wear off and then i shall confront him and expose them to the husband, maybe while i am there.or, like you say, i can contact him and let him know she is cheating on him(i can connect with him anytime, because we are supposedly going as a couple to visit that couple.) i might as well extract my pound of flesh in return for all my sacrifices and go abroad, which i know i won't be able to do on my own.i know that sounds cynical, but i think it's fair. Besides, the visa and the tickets have been arranged with great difficulty and at great cost.by the way, which country are you from? i feel it is more of infatuation and maybe not even a physical relation. but in my view, if you are talking intimately,you have already been unfaithful to your partner.the problem with having it out in the open is the pity i'll get from everyone, which i won't be able to bear. i am sure even he wouldn't want the bad press.so i guess, i'll follow your advice and confront him after i have collected more proof. if you can think of anything else, pl let me know.thanks a lot.
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reader, badlyhurt +, writes (7 April 2011):
badlyhurt is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear rescuer,
thanx for ur advice.first, let me clarify a few things:i have JUST come across the mails last night, so i had no proof before that. i did confront him once, when he took her name in bed instead of mine,but he totally denied it. he swore there was no one in his life besides me. guess i chose to believe him as it was the easier way out. also, i have always felt that marriage should be based on trust and not suspicion.guess i was too innocent and naive.
you are right, it is an arranged marriage and in india, there is still some amount of social stigma attached to a divorced woman, and the alimony laws aren't as favourable to women as they are in the west. moreover,because i gave up my job after marriage for 8 years before changing my career and becoming a teacher, i don't have too much of savings or a support system. my parents are no more, and i can't really impose on my brother and his family for long, howsoever good they may be.
i was kind of hoping that after they meet, the charm and the excitement would wear off and then i shall confront him and expose them to the husband, maybe while i am there.or, like you say, i can contact him and let him know she is cheating on him. i might as well extract my pound of flesh in return for all my sacrifices and go abroad, which i know i won't be able to do on my own.i know that sounds cynical, but i feel it's fair. by the way, which country are you from?
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