A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for 13 years and have two children. I have severe Rheumatoid Arthritis that has required 17 surgeries. Our life has been stressful, because of the disease, but I try to stay focused on my husbands needs and even pushed his business to the next level and made him more successful. I still pay the bills from my savings while his business is becoming stable. I do the best I can, when I'm sick. When I'm not, I more than make up for it. I offer sex, constantly (for my needs and his), but I'm constantly rejected. Recently, he told me he's not in love with me, but does feel love for me. Our situation is even more stressful since neither of us have friends or family to help (illness makes everyone leave).My husband told me he wants to bring another wife into our marriage. He says it's so I can have a friend and he can be fulfilled in ways I can't provide. I don't understand! I offer anything he wants, whenever he wants it (even while recovering from surgery). I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable in saying no? I told him to move out, if he wants someone else. I'm honestly trying to stay happy and positive, but he's so resentful that I'm sick and he has no one to vent to but me. I really need advice. I don't believe in cheating and I strongly believe in our vows. But, he says I'm being unreasonable. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2012): I also have RA and have had lots of surgeries for it. For years I supported my fiance then husband, and he is even on the title to the house I inherited, but NO, it's not enough. He still wants to have other women. Yes the disease makes us want to have someone around, but we become doormats all too often. Time to stand up for ourselves, NOW while we still can.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (26 May 2012):
 OMG! Don't you dare agree to this arrangement! What a horrible thing for a husband to ask of his wife, especially one who already has some health issues. The two of you need marital counseling. I hope he will attend. Maybe he'll remember where he hid his heart.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 May 2012):
 You are not being unreasonable in saying no. I think it’s wise to have him move out if he wants someone else. I agree with Aunty Em sadly.
I know that a few months ago I was given a medical determination that will probably have me in a wheelchair permanently in the future. I am older than my fiancé and I told him to leave me now. I wanted him to have the OPTION to leave me and not commit to a woman who will sorely test the “in Sickness” part of the vows. Clearly your husband has forgotten those.
He won’t move out if he’s building a business and you are paying his bills. Stop footing his business bills only cover the bills for yourself and the children. He’s the one being unreasonable.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (25 May 2012):
 I am sorry to be so blunt, but for him the marriage is a good part dead already. He has told you he isn't in love with you, doesn't want to have sex with you and has made a ludicrous suggestion of bringing another woman in...
This could be for 2 reasons. It could be because he feels guilty, knows you probably would struggle on your own but wants sex with a different woman.
Secondly it could be because you are involved somewhat in his business and he still has need of your funding (harsh I know) for the time being...but he cannot put his plan on hold to have sex with someone else.
It's hard to believe that he hasn't cheated already but maybe he has some morals and is desperately trying to find a solution that suits him and keeps you in the picture.
I think you were right to tell him to leave and instead of putting on a brave smiling face, you should be getting very serious about where all this is leading.
Don't feel you have to be nice, protect your finances if you can (although it appears he has you over a barrel) One wonder what he will expect you to do when your money runs out??...Is he and his 'replacement wife' going to support you and take care of you if you get sick again??
What plans can you make for yourself? How can you protect your future?...It's called divorce and you are entitled to half of the assets.
I think it would be wise to use some of your savings to contact a lawyer and get some legal advice because something is very rotten at the core of this. He may say he has love for you but words are cheap and his actions and the way he is treating you is inconsistent with love...it seems more like selfishness and manipulation.
I hate to be a prophet of doom, but better to protect yourself now and see how things go rather than stumble blindly and trustingly into a situation where you could end up being left penniless, used up and alone.
PUT YOURSELF FIRST!!!
Good luck and prayers for you xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2012): I think you have to accept that for whatever reason he doesn't love you anymore (it may hurt to hear but it's the truth).
He's basically asking your permission to have an affair. He wants to be with someone else while still having you around as familiarity and maybe financial support. Or maybe he just doesn't want to go through the hassle of divorce.
I can't believe you're still with this guy or even questioning if it's reasonable. Leave him, he's being completely selfish and manipulative about this whole situation.
He says it's so you can have a 'friend' but really he just wants someone to have sex with and if he gets on well with her, you'll be pushed out of the picture.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (25 May 2012):
 He is being unreasonable. You have done much more than anyone else would have done in your position. In spite of suffering from such a painful disease, you've fought valiantly and catered to his needs and been such a support to him. Instead of appreciating your contribution and love, he wants to cheat on you? Who would ever accept such an arrangement? Such black ingratitude on his part! You should ask him to move out if he wants to cheat. And he ought to pay alimony too. After all you supported him while he was struggling with his business. I just hope he comes to his senses.
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