A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need help as my current situation is driving me to despair:My husband is a Latin musician with a dream of selling millions of albums worldwide, going on World Tours forever and living the life of a rock star.Now, back to Earth – we are a young family with two children. As it stands, we both work full time, paying extortionate amounts of money on childcare and rent for a pokey two-bedroom flat that is falling apart and the landlord entirely neglects.I long for positivity, for an exciting future and for my husband and I to act like responsible adults looking out for our family’s welfare. For me, this means looking into the possibility of buying our first family home, of our children having a bedroom each, of there being a garden for them to enjoy and of finally having a bathroom with a bath and not just a shower!On the other hand, my husband, who already has a full time job, has his dream on the side which he calls his career and which is what he really is going to do with his life. He has borrowed thousands of pounds from my father to fund his music recording - I am already stressed with our own expenses but family debt terrifies me ten-fold. My husband and his female manager have extravagant and unrealistic plans of filming music videos, of promotional tours in Poland and of being the next Latin phenomenon. It really is like the blind leading the blind as both of them have very little experience in this field yet act as though they do. Most of their plans have not come to fruition but they keep on with their impossible deadlines and feats.So, as I work full time, take care of the children and maintain a household without a chance to ever look in the mirror – my husband is talking about being famous and important meetings he has to attend to discuss ideas, video concepts and photo shoots.This can become hardcore for the last year and now, with the debt and all that has happened, I am desperate for him to complete his album, otherwise everything would have been for nothing. However, there are always setbacks and reasons why things cannot happen and the whole process is being dragged out in the most painful way. The irony is that there is all this talk about the level and extravagance of fame yet they say that there is nothing they can do until there is funding once they have a completed album.If I am not at work, I am either at home cleaning or out with the children somewhere. I have no life for myself and my children also suffer without their father’s presence. He has a job and on top of that he has a dream which he feels gives him permission to do as he pleases because he is an idealist and does not want to have a job that he does not enjoy.So his ideal situation would be to be all famous and leave me at home with the children – something that I do not consider to be fair. He complains that I do not support him when others do but I have to remind him that his friends are not his wife and kids and do not know about the level of responsibility involved when it comes to family life.I am dedicated to my family; they mean everything to me. We are young and do not have what we would like to offer them yet, but that is definitely in the pipeline. My husband, however, chooses to keep me on tenterhooks, to give him the chance to score this penalty, to not interfere with his run up, to tolerate everything with a smile, oh, and to seduce him every now and then! What he does not seem to realise is that the referee does have a whistle and it is not fair to leave his family to one side all the time.I feel very distant from my husband as in his head and in talks with his friends and manager, he is living a very different life. I cannot feel close to nor supported by a man who dreams of being elsewhere without his family at the forefront of his mind. His argument is that he is doing all of this for his family, however, he is really trying to fulfil a lifelong dream and believes that any psychological distress for those who are left behind will only be temporary. He believes he has no achievements and wants to go all out now to feel the satisfaction of completing his quest. I believe that our family comes first and we work everything around our family. I am not bitter about my life being any different to how it may be if I did not have children and they are the best thing to ever happen to me which is why it frustrates me so much that their father does not feel the same way. He believes that he has his personal dream that he will always complete regardless of who is around him. He is willing to leave us in search of his dream as he has often packed his bags but never left.He does not realise that he can only do what he does as he knows he can rely on me to always be with the children and take care of everything at home. He is more of a lodger and part time dad.I feel as though on I am on my last legs. I will not be able to stand this much longer. I do not know if I should just be quiet and see what happens, or if I should end the relationship completely. In the minute of possibilities that he is successful, he still would be away from his family which is something that I regard as unfair and selfish.I long for a husband with a secure job, a loving father with his family at the forefront of his mind. I would love to go with my husband this week to meetings at various banks to discuss mortgage options but, as it stands, my husband is not interested in committing to something so important as it may mean that he may not be able go on his “promotional world tour” should it ever arise.Am I being cruel? Should I let this all happen? Or should I fight for what I believe in? I believe in my family and the beautiful life we all could lead. My husband believes in himself and there is not much chance of getting him to see otherwise.Please help me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): I don't think it's right to put that kind of pressure on you and your children. Fair enough - he can have a dream but who knows how successful he can be? There aren't acts like Gloria Estefan and Santana anymore. Everything is either bland or manufactured. The real music is on the streets where people are playing for any spare change thrown into their hats. I feel for you, looking out for your family in that way. I just hope your husband realises what kind of wife he has and looks after you before it's too late. His selfishness can never be good for the children. They should come first! Good luck!
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