A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I do not know where to even go with this. My husband and his step-sister sat me down and informed me that they have been in love for over 30 years and that they would be together right now except they promised her dad that they would not. My husband and I are having problems recently and they told me that they discussed getting back together if our marriage broke up. I am in shock. This totally blind sided me. I obviously got extremely upset and they informed me nothing happened between them since my husband and I got together but I have my doubts, especially with recent activities. Really, what should I do? I love him but I do not know if I can stay in a relationship knowing my husband is in love with another woman, especially his step-sister. Her father passed away 6 years ago so I do not know if his influence is still relevant.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (24 October 2013):
 Really?! I had a feeling he'd have buyer's remorse, but I didn't know it would be *that* fast. One day he brings HER, the three of you sit down, and he tells your marriage is a lie, and the next minute, he's begging you to forgive him, and is saying it's all her fault??
No way man. What he did, and the sheer insult of bringing HER into the talk with you, that's a Nuclear Event. You can't just simply "take it back" any more than you can unscramble an egg, call back a bullet, or un-ring a bell.
It's also a big fat lie if one minute, THEY are sitting you down and torching your marriage and the next minute, he's backpeddling by saying that SHE surprised him. Which is it? Was he in love all 30 years to her and wouldn't have married you if her dad hadn't made them promise, or did he not think of it until she sprung it on him out the blue? I'd demand to know why the change.
In your case, I'd still go ahead and end the marriage UNLESS he agreed to serious, utterly truthful, intensive counseling, the kind that takes years. He just showed you that his words are useless and false. Of course you have no trust because he can live a lie. There are tough times ahead, no matter which way you go. But the stepsister leaves your lives forever, and I don't think he'll agree to that, so I'm not sure if there is any salvaging to be had.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 October 2013):
 I'm with Tish.
This is absolutely heartbreaking and marriage -ending in my book.
I would start looking into a divorce lawyer and get it over with.
One thing is a childhood crush or something, but 30 years? Yea, I wouldn't want to be second fiddle to another woman.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (24 October 2013):
 Walk from this marriage and screw him for every cent. Is that not what he did to your life, screwed it up by not being honest about being in love with another woman and the entire marriage was a lie! You deserve better, so don't try fighting for a marriage that is not worth it. I agree with one of the other aunts, its basically forbidden love and its human nature to want what you cant have, like Adam and Eve. Reality will settle and he will realise he lost the best thing that happened to him (you).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): Thank you so much for the responses. I still do not know what I am going to do but I do now have more questions to ask him. The trust is gone. He is begging me to forgive him and said that his step-sister surprised him with the confession and he didn't know how to react. I am thinking he is back paddling. When you think your relationship is strong enough to fight through anything, and something like this happens, you really start to question everything. Again, thank you so much an I will keep everyone updated.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (23 October 2013):
Wow! That stings! Badly!!
At least they were "honest" for the most part. If my husband told me that he was in love with another women I'm not sure what I would do. You can't change the way they feel. You can't change the way you feel.
Did he tell you he was leaving? Did he say he wanted to work on his marriage? What about counselling?
I don't think I could stay in a marriage if my partner didn't love me with his whole being.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 October 2013):
 If this isn't a relationship ending conversation for you then I wonder what you are waiting to hear? They sat you down and told you your husband and your step-sister-in-law are in love and have been for 30 years and you still believe you are in a relationship with your husband?
I would allow myself about a day of coming to grips with this and then I would go find the best divorce lawyer in town. And I would document document document everything. And I would get my best friends and my family in the loop and get emotional support from them.
You've just been broken up with and I don't know what you are expecting as the next act from them?
Instead of waiting for their next bizarre revelation I would be taking steps to get MY future in hand and it would NOT include a husband with incestuous inclinations deciding it for me.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 October 2013):
Oh my lord. I am so sorry to hear about this. I think after the initial shock, I'd be angry beyond angry that pretty much the entire marriage was a lie to him.
I don't normally advocate trying to punish someone financially, but I think that in your case, I'd get the best lawyer I could and stick him as much as the law could possibly stick him, and then some. He took 30 years of your life away. I'd take everything from him.
I'll tell you this - he may think that he's heading off to the sunset of happiness, but a lot of times, the fantasy and the reality is so far from reality, and this time, he has to enter into the relationship with her as a failure of a man. The idealism they have for each other will fade when the "warts and all" starts becoming apparent, meaning the intimate things you accepted about him because you loved him won't be so overlooked by her. Do not let him get away with buyer's remorse, and that's a high possibility after the initial honeymoon period gives away to the day-to-day relationship that takes 100% effort, something his lazy ass isn't used to giving.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (23 October 2013):
 I feel bad for you that must have hurt but rather than look for "the inner meaning" why not just take him for his word and offer up a divorce?
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (23 October 2013):
 Well according to what they've told you, they would be together if it wasn't for your marriage!
What a terrible thing for you to hear!
Of course you love your husband, you don't just suddenly stop loving someone.
How lovely for you to know that whilst your marriage has had troubles the two of them have been discussing getting back together!
No wonder the marriage is in trouble, your husband isn't trying to make it work because he wants to be somewhere else.
This is even worse because rather than having the back bone to end this marriage he has left the decision to break up in your hands so that he can wash his hands of the responsibility and feel better about his sordid little secret.
I'm sorry but your husband has admitted that he doesn't love you, so as far it goes there is only one direction that this marriage is heading.
Hold your head up high and cut him loose. This won't be easy but hopefully you have friends and family who can support you.
This is his failing NOT yours.
If it's any consolation I think that the only reason your husband and his step sister believe they're in love is because it's been forbidden all these years and is therefore exciting. Once it's not forbidden anymore I think the allure will wear off and they'll be left with nothing.
My heart goes out to you and I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (23 October 2013):
 he loves someone else. what more can he say. its horrible to hear but at least you know where you stand and this can help you move on.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (23 October 2013):
 Whether he has cheated with his step sister or not is a kinda lost point because they are both telling you that they love eachother and want to be together...so now you know, it won't be long before they DO cheat.
I don't really see how you can compete with this, neither of them are respecting your feelings or your marriage and they are pretty much laying down the law.
You have a lot to comes to terms with and you will need a lot of time to adjust to the changes that are going to happen.
It's a tragic fact that marriages end all the time (this week alone, two people I work with have both discovered their husbands are cheating)
You could insist your husband stops seeing her and try counselling but the sheer bare faced cheek of them telling you together says a lot!!
Make sure you won't be left financially disadvantaged. If he want to bring the axe down, he needs to ensure you are provided for before he goes. Also make sure you have good support from other friends and family around you.
Again I am sorry for you and the situation you are in but if you cannot save the marriage, you have no choice to move on and believe me life does and will go on.
Chin up xxx
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