A
female
age
41-50,
*eedhelp2007
writes:Hello, My husband was a very nice guy when we married and when we moved from india to USA he couldnt get a decent job and started the trouble and he is very egoistic. now he is a piece of scrap.I have a 6 year old son, I earn and im a career women. he wants to dominate and he has all the old values about women. He will not allow me to be independent. He doubts about my charcter, he boozes, he gambled once for 1000$ a day with my debit card. I do all the house hold chores and manage the finances, teach my son and take care of him and work as well.I donno what to do he abuses me with bad words infront of my 6 year old son which i dont like . im very depressed i cant get a divorce because i want my son a dad and i dont want to spoil his life because of our stupidity.My husband and I are totally disconnected he regrets marrying me almost every day and so do i. we stopped having sex(that tells the whole story) i want a second child he doesnt want to have and he says he will ask his mothers advice and have a baby.he hurts me with his harsh words and very very bad words. I have no one to talk to im very depressed, is this problem common among relations. i have to concentrate on my work and iam a career woman. im very aggressive and dynamic lady. i dont need his help for most of the things. maybe he thinks im too self confident for him but that's what i am.should i change my elf?sometimes he threatens me that he will take our son and go back to india and leave me alone here. i can live without my husband but i cant live without my son. i want him.please help me should i change or what?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2007): Leave that looser ...your alreday working taking care of everything else find someone who would appreciate you...lET HIN THROW HIS LIFE AWAY BUT NOT YOURS AND YOUR SONS...YOU SON SHOULDNT LISTEN TO HIS BAD WORDS
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (23 May 2007):
 I do not know what the law is regarding immigration in your area. Check out with an immigration lawyer on your own, and not from the community you come from, as privacy of questions is very hard. Once you know how to legally protect yourself from him taking your son away, THEN you will be in a position to know what to do next.
He needs to find work and keep his mind busy, and too feel like a man again, but that does not excuse his bad behavior to you. The fact that he is gambling, and has become lazy is very dangerous. He is teaching your son his behaviors. The fact that you are putting up with it ALSO teaches your sons such behaviors.
Check with an immigration lawyer (get a new one, if you already have one with your husband), and find out all you need to know. Then be ready to kick him out, and seek protection for you and your child.
-FBK
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): you seem to be a very intelligent lady & i am sure you're! tell him this isn't india... therefore, you do not have to obey by his rules. this is america... the country of freedom. you have rights to have custody of your son. don't let him control you or threaten you. if it gets way out of hand .. you should seek a lawyer. best of luck with everything.
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A
male
reader, Rikki  +, writes (22 May 2007):
I can suggest u only one thing, it depeneds on what you prefer, if you prefer that you breal this relation then finsih right now and odnt worry about that he can take you r child. No body can do that. Second if you prefer to stay with the same then just calm down, ask for help from your husband for his help in everything. Try to show him that you are completely dependent on him (I am sure its not true). This is some kind of his attitude problem. And i think this will help you alot....
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (22 May 2007):
 This is a very hard and painful decision to make and one that should not be made lightly. I understand how incredibly difficult it is to make the decision to leave an abusive marriage. I was in the same situation as you, but we are both American so at least I didnt have the threat that he would take my children out of country! For me, I didnt want my children to be children of divorce. I didnt want to be a divorced woman. I didnt want to admit, even to myself, how abusive the relationship had become. I didnt want to admit failure. It was a horrible thing to face! But now that I have faced it and left my husband of 13 years, I am so glad I did! I wish I had had the strength to do it earlier! As difficult as it is, we are so much happier. It really was the best thing.
I strongly advise you to consult a divorce attourney. I also suggest you get a passport for your son if he doesnt have one already. Then YOU keep the passport in a safe place. That way your husband cannot obtain a passport without your knowlege (only one per person!) and he cannot secretly flee the country with your child. Open an individual bank account, rather than a joint account and begin to put your money all in that account. That way your husband cannot get to the money. He cannot loot the account to buy airline tickets or anything else.
Good luck and please feel free to private email me. I, unfortunately, have experience in this area.
dee
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (22 May 2007):
 Unless you are here on visas, or has dual citizenship, you don't have to worry about losing your son. I know very well how custody agreements work. He is bound by American civil law. That states that he would have to find true reasonable cause as to why he would be able to gain sole custody. As long as you contribute to your child's life, and are there, any judge that he went to would immediately dismiss the case or laugh in his face. You need to get away from him as soon as possible and reach for a better life.
DV1
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): In the UK we have refuges for women, do they exist where you are?. If you are financially able to cope you could just leave but you need solid plans in place to make sure that he can not track you down or take your son from school etc. You should see a lawyer and get all the help you can to secure your position. Look at a website called Refuge which gives advice for women who are being treated as you are. Make sure you can get hold of your and your sons passports, birth certificates and any other important information before you go. GOOD LUCK.
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A
female
reader, Jendorset  +, writes (22 May 2007):
No i dont think you should let him dominate you. I dont live in america but i am sure you will have alot more rights as a woman in america and get alot more help than you would in india. If you earn the money you should keep it away from your husband so he cannot spend it, he cannot get to india with your son if he doesnt have any money. I know you say that your want your son to have a dad, but i think your son will be better off if you and your husband seperate. You dont want your son to grow up seeing your husband treat you this way, you dont want your son to think it is acceptable. I think you should leave him, and take your son. Is there anyone you can stay with ? Is there any help you can get from local authoritys or social workers ?
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