A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Nine years ago, I met my future-husband at the hospital where I worked, he was visiting his sister, who had just given birth. We fell in love almost instantly, and were married after a year of passionate love. We started trying immediately for a baby, and after 3 years of trying, I finally got pregnant. However, 4 months along, I suffered from a miscarriage. We kept trying, we didn't want donor sperm or eggs, or anything like that and we weren't rich enough for IVF. I got pregnant, naturally, about 2 years after my first pregnancy, however, this also ended in a miscarriage. We gave up trying after the second miscarriage. But then about a year ago, I found out I was pregnant. And nine months later I gave birth to a gorgeous baby boy. I adore my son, however I think, any my husband has pointed this out many times, that my son is now everything that I care about. I've quit work to take care of my baby, whilst we still have a nanny. I haven't yet told my husband, as he'd get angry. I haven't had sex with my husband since I found out I was pregnant, and we've started sleeping apart. I've started taking out money from our joint bank account to put it aside for my son's future. My husband doesn't know that this is where the money is going. I've often fantisised about running away with my baby, and just spending the rest of my life with him. No-one else. My husband has said that he thinks I've got a mental illness, like some mad obsession with my son. Please help me. I'm the child of divorced parents, and couldn't do that to my son. He's my world.Yet I'm scared that my husband is right.Please help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2007): The concern that is that your current feelings will grow.
I know a lady who,s son(only) is well into his teenage years and she seems to be quite obsessed by him. I wonder if the feelings that you have right now are at an early development stage. From what you have said it appears that you could be headed toward an abnormal relationship with your son. Though abnormal does not mean bad it can mean different from what we know. In the case of the lady that I know there are some alarming dependancy issues. One interesting comparison is you mentioned running away with him. Recently this lady too said that in the face of some difficult times. The sons response was 'cool'.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): You made it the time and place for a few posts but glad you could finally catch on.
1) If Husband has a true concern about your mental fitness, he should have taken you to the family doctors and asked if counselling would be a good avenue to explore.
So he failed you or he was being one of those clueless males.
2) If Husband said this to you; is it not his place to share a concern with you? If you begin to think maybe his concern is valid, then you do need to see your Family Doctor and get some Counselling.
If you suspect he is abusive to you mentally and emotionally-go to a counsellor to get your mind in a stronger place and with it will come the emotional strength to re-evaluate your marriage and why you would be having desires to:
Stop(ped) having sex with your husband
Taking money out of your bank account
Fantasized about running away with son
It sounds like you may have undergone abuse, mental, emotional, and physical and that you are withdrawing.
Get counselling. Get emotionally stronger and mentally stronger. Than you can make a better decision with clarity.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (30 December 2006):
 Malyce - have sent you a PM, don't think this is the time nor the place.
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): Thanks for not listening or reading what I had to say. Just keep following me along in my posts and when there is something you disagree with, go out of your way to point out how wrong and uninformed I am so you can make yourself feel better and "vidicated" all because I do not share the same views as you.
I still say COUNSELLING.
Any concerns one raises about mental/emotional fitness...the best course to take.
Any concerns health/physical/mental/emotional...another good course to take.
It is easy for us to come on here and dish out our views and advice but when alarm bells go off for me, I will, time and again, suggest COUNSELLING or a visit to the FAMILY DOCTOR.
Have a Happy New Years Wombat; may it find you fulfilled and happy.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (30 December 2006):
Malcye...are you a clinical psychologist? What exactly are the signs you believe are showing her 'obsession'. She doe not think she is obsessive, her husband does. Please, you have given advice that is blatantly going to create a sense of conflict within this person. She has a 3 month opld son, these feelings are normal. She needs to be reassured of this and pointed in the right direction ie, her Health Visitor or midwife...she does not need an individual she has never met reinforcing her alleged 'abnormality' and creating a feeling of inadequacy with herself.
I AM qualified to comment on this by the way, having worked in this field. I am not picking fights, but the sooner people start to recognise that feeling like this is normal afetr ahving achuild the better. It is not all hearts and flowers and a white picket fence. The family dynamic may be askew, we don't know, we have to trust the question asker.
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): Wombat...
She keeps posting and with each post are "signs" that she is obssessive, and she has a fear so I still say:
COUNSELLING.
That will address what her anxiety, depression, compulsion, the list can go on based on her words and her mindset in that she wants to be helped as she believes she may becoming obsessive and then lists reason why she may be.
It is evident she needs guidance and perspective and a COUNSELLOR/Psycologist will be better able to determine this women's mental fitness.
COUNSELLING.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (30 December 2006):
For goodness sake!! Her son is three months old, he hasn't been out of her body for even the amount of time that he was created inside it.
This anxiety is completely normal. Your not wanting to go back to work yet is completely normal. Give yourself a chance to heal emotionally and physically from the trauma of pregnancy and birth. I do think you should confide in your health visitor and tell her how you are feeling. I think maybe you may be over reacting and over reading into things your husband has said. He needs to back off and stop trying to force you back to work, give you a chance to adjust t6o your new role in life. Don't worry about the sex thing, very often the stresses and pressure of being a new Mum completely kills your sex drive completely for quite a while, and if he cannot accept this then (I am gonna sound horrible here) tough!! You need time to heal and time to adjust. You are the one who has gone through the major physical changes and I think you need to look after you first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2006): Please...for the sake of your son...to give him what all children need and want, please, please go to your family doctor to address any post partum depression and please, please go see a couples counsellor to rule out any mental disorders and to address your abandonment issues from childhood.
It is apparent that you have some unfinished business from childhood.
You have possessive tendancies which will, when son becomes older and wants to explore; you will feel threatened for reasons of fear of harm coming to son or to meet your own emotional needs (unhealthy).
You will begin to feel jealous and threatened by anything and anyone that will "take" your son from you.
As he ages, you will become stricter and set and enforce rigid curfews.
You have needs and son will be expected to meet them which is emotional incest.
Avoid all of this as this will certainly damage your son and this abuse will continue being transmitted down the family line if you do nothing about it.
Please get some counselling for the true safety and wellbeing of you, so you can be the best Mother you can be and for you Son.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2006):
Ok, at 3 months I am willing to cut a lot of slack. You probably have been getting bombarded about back sleeping and pillow wedges and the width of crib bars and all that. You may also have post-partum anxiety that should be checked out by your doctor.
There is really no reason why you couldnt have sex with your 3mo in the room sleeping in his carrier.
You have no obligation to a bunch of moldy old lesbians. You do have an obligation to try to make the world even a slightly better place and raising children properly is a good place to start. If the working world has to get on without you for a few years so that your child knows right from wrong I'm sure we'll manage.
With childcare, commuting, double taxes, uniform expenses, lunches at work, you may be working for next to nothing per hour.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to previous answers, I haven't had sex with my husband as I just haven't wanted it. Any time we've come close I think of my son, and decide to spend the night in the spare room. I think that my son deserves my undivided attention and having sex with my husband, would some how take away my attention from my son. What if some thing happened whilst my husband and I were having sex to my son? I wouldn't be there for him.
My son is 3 months old currently, and although I'd love to become a full time mother, my husband doesn't agree with it, saying that women fought desperately to have equal rights as men, and I shouldn't just throw away my chance to work.
Please help.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (28 December 2006):
I have to answer this as honestly as I can. I DO NOT think you are of abnormal mind. I think you are totally besotted with your child having tried very very hard to have him with tragedy in the form of miscarraige along the way.
Yes, some of your behaviour is a little odd - but let us look at what is motivating this? You are putting money aside for your childs future, do you not trust your husband to be able to provide for him and you?
As for quitting your job, there is an easy solution to that. Sack the nanny and become a full time mother!! You then get to spend your life with your child. You must be honest with your husband though.
How old is your child now??
Until my son was 11 months old I could not leave him with anyone....and I mean ANYONE! There was nobody on this planet who could look after him in quite the same way as me! Not even his father!! Well of course HE could - but that is not how I percieved it at the time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006):
your husband may be right...
Can you explain why you havent had sex since you found out you got pregnant? That sounds like you only need the guy to get you knocked up. Something strange going on here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): Is there a history of mental illness in your family, as you sound genuinely at an unnormal state. Your husbands concerns seem right on the money. Perhaps it is high time you got some counselling, and started paying some attention to your marriage. Incidentally, in your fantasy of running away and spending your life with your child, what happens when he becomes an adult and leaves home, or worse yet begins to resent you completely for over protecting him and taking him away from his father?
Seek help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): You need to include your husband; I don't know too many people who like to be excluded especially when it comes to their family.
Have you sought individual counselling? Please get it.
Also, it is very clear that you need to rebuild your relationship with your husband.
Get some couple's counselling as well.
It is considered abandonment,neglect when you sleep away from and withold sex from your husband and this type of abuse is taking it's toll on him as well.
Also, it is apparent to me that you have some deep rooted issues that stem from childhood.
Your son is both your Husband's and Yours responsibility to care for and nuture him and to raise him with TWO parents...ALL CHILDREN WANT AND NEED this.
I have to say your husbands concerns are very valid.
Is there a history of mental illness in your family history?
Fears and insecurities; we all have them but they become serious and dangerous when we allow for them to take over-with this take over, we are prone to make decisions that can be harmful to those we love or make choices that will cause alot of unnecessary heartache and grief.
Trust in your Husband at this time. Get counselling.
This is what is best for you Son; that he have his Father and Mother loving one another and teaching him by example what love, commitment, stability, honesty is all about.
Best Wishes.
*hugs*
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