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female
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*ana
writes: How can I persuade my husband to help me with the house work. Most of the time (not always) He's kind to me until we have sex. He smiles, talks to me with sweet words,etc. But after we made it, he just sit on the couch and watch TV, no matter if I'm there or not. sometimes I think that in our life there are only 3 things he thinks about, 1-sex, 2-food, 3-action films. NOTHING ELSE. I'm getting sick of this. I want him to be more responsible. I'm a clerk, so I need his help in the house.Every time I tell him something (for example I say "you should put this there, and put that here") he become mad immediately. He thinks that I am criticising him. He won't do anything in the house until I tell him. ANYTHING! even he won't put his dirty clothes in the washing machine. If I don't tell him he will even starve in the house but don't do anything. please help what can I do? It seems that he only wants me to be there only for preparing something to eat, keep the house in order and somebody to have sex with! But I know that he loves me. Why does he act like this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Seratuki  +, writes (3 January 2007):
 He's a guy..
I hate to use that as a reason as it sounds sexist...but truth be told, When my Fiancee forst moved in with me I had to teach him EVERYTHING! from washing the dishes to cooking himself food.
Maybe your hubby had a mother who pampered him the same way...
You could try doing things together...like..if you still wash dishes by hand, you wash, he dries...
Or you could do what I did, buy a fancy vacuum with all these attachments...my fiancee was so awe struck by it he won't let me do the vacuuming anymore! lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): DOINK!
Families. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families would be the book title.
Sometimes...my brain is far ahead of my typing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Men adore household repairs. It involves hands on and is "manly".
Maybe suggest having Hubby take out the garbage with a hammer in his hand.
Or get some weird kitchen gadgets that involve spinning and loud noises so he can use this gadget to wash the dishes.
I don't necessarily agree it should be 50/50 as if hubby is out working...and comes home...he deserves to put his feet up.
It does sound like criticism if you are telling him indirectly that something should have been placed in such a spot over his choice of where to put it. I wouldn't want to help out much either if whenever I did it; it was unsatisfactory. That is when...yah...you know what you want and you do it so much better...you do it comes from.
I'd be the same way.
This usually is a breakdown in communication and what should have happened was.
Honey thank you so much for bringing this in for me *massage manly muscles on his arms* I like how strong you are. *give kiss* And then say can I ask one more small favour. *rains small kisses on his handsome face* He'll say yes. Could you please move this over here. And thank him all over again.
Effective communication.
May I suggest a book? I'm going to anyways.
It is by a fav Author of mine, Stephen R. Covey's "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Communication"
In this book it will help you build up how to be more effective in communicating your needs without direct or indirect criticism.
It will also train you both to focus on finding strengths in one another and not faults.
It will teach you both how to speak of one another in a loving way and as if the other partner was present.
Please get the book and also...
Counselling to help you blow off steam and get some perspective on just how fortunate you are.
Best Wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Your husband isn't selfish..he's just sounds like he's just untrained and lazy. If you both work, then I think it's fair you both share household duties 50-50. You do state he's a pretty kind, lovin' guy who communicates well, so selfishness is not the big problem. I think like most fellows, he just has lousey housekeeping skills. Does he do other things..like household maintenance, fixing the car, repairs, yardwork, etc? Could your husband is one of those guys, who likely did not have that type of housekeeping training, in his childhood? Did his Mom do everything? Women respond differently to household chores than a lot of men do. We get it done when it needs to be done. Men simply don't worry about it. It seems a double standard, but the reality is: us gals been trained from an early age to do so. We watched our Mothers and learned. Some guys don't do that and weren't expected to The only solution I can is for you to sit him down and in a loving, calm way...is to tell him what his expectations are in helping you run the household. Let him know you need his help and work as a team. Assure him you will show him how to do specific jobs and don't expect overnight miracles. Be patient. What is really easy to us, is not to a man who has never did this kind of stuff much. Make a 'job list' for him if you have to and then 'show him' how to do the chores you need help with. Do them together or you can take turns. One week he's on laundry and you vacuum. Reverse that the following week. All in all, if he's not responding to some chores, let him do the ones he does like and he's good at. EG: I hate cleaning the oven...my partner does that. He hates laundry...so I do that. Marriage is co-operation, compromise and negotiation. Tell him, after the jobs are done, you and he can sit and watch a show together--pick one you both like. The key here is to spend time 'together' and respect each other...commununicate without arguing and getting angry. Getting angry causes resentment and lashing out and marriage is no place for that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): I guess if asking politely doesn't work, you could always start shouting! Seriously though, if he doesn't do his share, then it might be time to think about some actions rather than words. For example, stop washing his clothes. He will have to work out how to work the machine when he has nothing clean to wear, surely. Stop cooking his meals. If he refuses to pick up after himself, leave his stuff where he drops it. This will be hard for you, but he doesn't realise just how much you do around the house. It's not his place to 'help' you (although he isn't even doing that); the housework is the responsibility of all who live in the house. Sounds like he has gotten used to too much of a good time. If all else fails, you could postpone sex until after chores have been done? After all, you can't really be in the mood if you're constantly being taken for granted and being treated like his mother. BTW: mothers don't get romantic meals, flowers and gestures, so if you want to be his lover and not his mother you need to tackle this immediately.
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female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (3 January 2007):
 Simple, he is selfish.
Not all men are like that though. Have you tried telling him you need a hand now and then. Try to get him interested in the cooking, it can be fun.
My boyfriend does absolutely nothing around the house, but i dont find this a problem. I enjoy looking after him, and i dont like him to interfere in the house work. Sometimes it gets a little hard as we both work full time, but genrally it works for us.
My ex boyfriend however would do everything around the house, and hated me even putting a picture up. He was also only nice when he wanted sex. Thats why he is an ex.
I guess what im trying to say is, things work differently for people. If he cant see that you have a problem with his behaviour, the only thing you can do is put up with him, or leave him. Maybe if he knows the options he will change his ways a bit.
Good luck X
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