A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have married to this man for 22 years and we have no children together but he seems to support them first rather then our home and things get put back. Am I wrong for being mad about this.plus his grown daughter has a job and a child of her own but still asks for help from him Reply to this Question
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 September 2014):
 I think what your husband is doing is normal. Natural. Expectable , at least. I am not saying that you have to love it, but .. are you really surprised ?...
Within limits, of course . If you mean that he is skimping on food, heating, healthcare... for you or himself, in order to help out his daughter , then no, that's not good. But if with " things get put back ", you mean that you don't get to change the glasses in your conservatory, or change your still usable sofa with a new one... well, what did you expect. She is his daughter. You consider helping her out an aggravation and a limitation, but you don't think that for your husband it may also be a PLEASURE.
I'll give you an example. A friend of mine has a 33 y.o. daughter who is a single parent of a girl of 6. The daughter HAS a decent full time job, it's not that she does nothing and sponges off. But, life is expensive here, and there's only so much you can do on a single income. So her parents ( my friend and my friend's ex husband ) pay for this young lady's rent, half each.
How long will this go on ? Who knows. Maybe until they are alive, or at least until they retire. OR , until the daughter gets a promotion, or a new job, or until certain business idea she has in mind can come to fruition . Or, until she has a lucky break, like finding a rich husband, lol, or winning the lottery... Let's say, as long as all the parties involved are comfortable with the agreement.
Mind you, technically the daughter COULD, I guess, pay her own rent. But, that would mean that all, or a lot of so called extras would have to be dropped. Dance classes or birtdhay parties or dental braces for the kid. Or, 10 days of well deserved summer vacation for daughter and grandchild.
They COULD do without this stuff, we are not talking about food or shelter , here. But it's the grandparents ( and parents of the grown up daughter ) that would SUFFER if these things had to be eliminated. They are HAPPY, and PROUD, to be able to afford offering these little luxuries to their offspring. They don't WANT to see her, and her child , " doing without " or struggling, if they can help it. That would hurt them MORE than shelling out half rent each.
Of course, again, we are talking about comfortable ,middle class people, not people on the breadline, so basically, they can afford it.
But, they aren't even filthy rich, so these several hundred euros they are shelling out every month, may mean, yes, that THEY have to ( gladly and willingly ) do without or postpone something for themselves. It means that " things get put back ". Maybe they are not going to get new curtains, or to get a fancier make of car, or to take that trip to Paris they have thought about, etc.etc. So what. They don't mind; it's for a very good cause.
I imagine that your husband sees it the same way and, it does not sound so unusual or weird to me. That you may find it annoying or inconvenient, that's another story.
that's why personally I would not want to be a second wife for anybody ( maybe Bill Gates ? ) - because it atkes a special person, very selfless, very generous, very big hearted, very undemanding and not judgemental ( as I am not ) to put up, in fact to embrace, what happens when you have stepchildren / extended family. Someome who will understand the logic why , helping an adult child may come before than buying something for you, or for the house- without feeling ( too ) deprived or angry about it.
It must not be easy, and I am sure that it's not everybody's cup of tea.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 September 2014):
 I am your age. My father is 80...while his life with his lifer partner (together nearly 19 years) does not suffer, he still assists his children and grandchildren (my grown sons) fiscally as he sees fit.
You say that things get put off at home for the care of his adult child and grandchild... such as what? do you have a decent car? a home? what are you wanting for?
what kind of assistance... if she is a single parent and working perhaps grandpa is paying for extras such as lessons or toys? or is he helping with day care and rent?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2014): On the one hand, you can't raise too much fault with people who love their children. They are their babies no matter what their chronological age happens to be. On the other hand, some parents never get out of the "self-sacrificial" mode. They've always put their children first, and themselves last.
Yet others are full of guilt, and feel they are ever-obligated to make up for how badly they may have treated their children in the past. To outsiders, this just looks like they're being fools. Unfortunately; in most cases, outsiders are correct. Grown children do take advantage of their aging parents; but if it doesn't upset them, and makes them feel happy to be useful. The parasitic relationship goes on for a lifetime.
You either sit quietly seething over how he treats his children; or you've made it an endless pattern of nagging him about it, and he just ignores you. Perhaps because you just complain over things and he doesn't know just how much it really bothers you.
If you passive-aggressively sit quietly angry and pouting, but never tell him how you feel. Guess what? It will just keep happening. If you don't say "no" on his behalf, the answer will always be "yes."
You are his wife, and you do have say as to where your money goes. You do have a right to say "no." If he never consults you, who's fault is that? You're allowing him to getaway with it.
If you know things need repair, why do you sit around letting it all fall apart? Can you not make a "honey-do list" and see that things get done? Is it just your job to sit-back and complain? You are also responsible for the upkeep of your home and finances. What's his, is yours.
If you're so "old-school" you leave it all up to him, what are you complaining about?
His priority is keeping his kids happy. If you don't put your foot down and start sharing some control over where your money goes, he's going to see that his kids want for nothing. He apparently has some pretty spoiled brats for kids; if they take his money, while being aware his own situation is in disrepair. That's odd.
It would seem they would be more concerned about him; considering he's their "sugar-daddy" and benefactor.
That he'd do anything for them. A parent should never have to apologize for wanting to do good things for their children. If that brings them joy. What he does to help his daughter, benefits his grandchild. Maybe they don't share the reasons with you; as to why they ask, or accept his help. Maybe you are also unaware if, or when, they pay him back? After-all, he has complete control over the money and where it goes.
Make a list of all the things that need work and repair around the house. Send it out by e-mail to his children; and ask them if they will help you and your husband to pull the house together. Let them know you both need their help.
Have you ever tried?
If you can't do this, it's only because you don't see the group of you as "his family." Instead you see them as "his grown kids."
If you say nothing directly to him regarding the finances; but only complain when you're totally frustrated, then it will continue. You're his wife, and should be on better terms with your husband and "his grown children."
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