A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all, I am a black woman and my husband is white. We've been together four years and married this summer just gone.The problem is this. The rest of his family are lovely and I have never encountered any problems. But his father is severely racist. He will not discuss me with my husband, and if my husband pushes the issue, he hangs up. We met at a family gathering two years ago, and he would not even look at me or say hello. His parents are not together, and we stay with his mom when we visit as they live abroad. But my husband continues to keep in touch with his father and go to see him without me there. He said he was trying to 'bring him round' and for years I have put up with it but recently we planned a visit and he said that his father finally decided he would have dinner with us together. I was pleased and decided to be a good Christian about it and turn the other cheek, carry on as if nothing had gone before. For my husband's sake. Then at the last minute - we leave to travel tomorrow- he told my husband's mom to say that he had changed his mind and 'could not' see us together. He is going to be in hospital for a few days while we are there, and he wants my husband to visit him. My husband says he thinks he should go and see him, but now I have lost my patience and feel insulted and angry. I am an educated, decent person and have put up with this for a long time. And I am angry because my husband continues to see his father despite his racist behaviour. He says he still loves his father but what about my feelings? He also wants to try for a baby next year, and I am 37 so I don't want to wait but what then? He keeps going to see his father no matter how he treats me and fails to acknowledge me. He goes on his own, and he thinks this is ok. I don't want to order him not to see his own father again but at the same time I am on the verge of giving up and leaving. We are supposed to be leaving for this visit tomorrow but I feel like refusing to go. What can I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2014): I just wanted to add, you are kindto have put up with this for so long. I really am rooting for you and hope ou can find the strength to keep facing this unkindness.My husband and I are both black so I never faced the racial stuff but with us it was religion. His grandmother forbade me from entering her house. His family is Christian and I am Muslim... I guess they got a lot of info from the media because I think they were shocked to find out that I'm just a normal girl lol. It took a year...but after swallowing much anger and pain inducing disrespect straight to my face. I now I'm actually quite close to his grandmom, not to mention his mom. They were beyond shocked that I set up the Christmas tree better than anyone ever did before lol... My husband never corrected them. And I never asked him to... tho I always shared how they made me feel. I knew it was impossible for him to make a choice between his wife and his mom/grandmother. You just can't. And to ask that of him would have inflicited even MORE pain on him...because your husband loves you and it hurts him to see other people that he loves treat you that way.I know you've been at it much longer, but take it from me that you CAN change the stereotypes that people have in their hearts. Don't give up!
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 October 2014):
 I agree that your FIL is an idiot if he's still racist after all these years. I wouldn't want to go visit either. Howeve, the ONLY way he'll ever evolve is by seeing first hand a loving rational person that just happens to be blessed with mahogany skin. He, like so many millions has a steryeotype in his head that needs to be squashed. If you can muster the strength to confront this stupidity then you maysucceed in enlightening the fool.It will take a ton of patience though so try evaluating the situation before you jump in lest it backfire. Best Wishes and Good Luck. Pray about it and fix the clown.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 October 2014):
 I"m sorry your FIL is an idiot and a racist.
My ex husband has basically disowned our youngest due to religion (his fiancee is not of the same religion my son was raised in and they find that unacceptable.)
I understand how you feel and I am thinking that grandbabies make a lot of stupid parents smarter grandparents... so it may change after a baby...
I understand you feel betrayed and hurt and angry and want your husband to take a stand against his father but I will tell you forcing him to choose will just put him in an awful spot.
Letting him know how you feel is fine but esp with his dad in the hospital, I would not ask him to not see his dad... it's his dad after all.
I would go. I would pick up a get well card for the idiot FIL in the hospital FROM YOU.. and sign it nicely and have your husband deliver it to your FIL
Yes he's an idiot and he's wrong but the best way to handle this in MY OPINION is a bit of passive aggressive kill him with kindness....
TREAT him like he loves you more than life itself at this point. IGNORE his stupidity (let your hubby deal with that) send cards and gifts... say nice things... shower him with acceptance and love and understanding that he was probably raised this way and he has no experience in the realm of interracial relationships at all. Consider it your CHOICE to educate him gently and with patience and kindness that people are people.
He was going to attempt dinner... that's progress...
knowing that no matter what a jerk he is you will be gracious and kind may give him courage to attempt to know you.
do not put your husband in a position to have to choose daddy over wife...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2014): Make it clear to him how to feel about the whole situation, his father's behaviour is not acceptable and you need to make that clear. There is a possibility that your husband doesn't even see the behaviour because it is something that he has grown up with, but if it's pointed out then he will start to notice things that are not right.
Also, you can't expect your husband to drop his father, at the end of the day, he is still your husband's father and a part of his life. I know that might be difficult for you and I know it might make life frustrating and hurtful, but you can't ask him to choose between his wife and his family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2014): He's condoning his father's actions by going to see him without you.
How will he teach your child to have self respect and stand up for themselves when he allows discrimination from his own family?
You don't want to give him an ultimatum but this is such a degrading situation.
I would tell him how it makes you feel and ask him what he is going to do about this. He has the option of saying you see my le and my wife or you don't see me at all.
If he doesn't suggest this then I'd question your relationship
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