A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm going through a tough experience. My partner and I were in an amazing rship for almost 2 years everything was perfect we were best friends and lovers n I couldn't fault him and then things changed n he was snorting ice and taking steroids.. Our rship changed and so did he. He became a liar and was hiding lots from me. I found him in a hotel room with another girl and then I broke up with him and moved out.. Yet when I did that he then continued seeing her and was still telling me he wanted to be with me. He continued to lie to me and my family and was seeing her and sleeping with her and saved her under his phone as a friends name when I started to give in b give him a chance to try prove himself. It became draining finding more and more out . He continued to beg for me saying it wS difficult for him but he wanted to marry me n have kids with me. He was taking drugs during this time to cope with everything n it wasn't until probably the 10th time he got caught out that he decided to stop taking drugs.. He hadn't taken anything up my knowledge and no steroids for 2 months now.. He seems to be in better head space but naturally I'm scared and can't trusthim. He keeps telling me he needs a clean slate in order for us to try make things wrk.. If it's the steroids I'll try put it behind me but this has traumatised me so much. I know my worth I am an Intelligent attractive girl Im not holding on due to lack of confidence I'm holding on maybe coz I haven't accepted wats happened and coz I loved who he was before the drugs.. However I'm scared it could just be an excuse.. Has anyone else been in this situation? Male or female? I've never taken drugs or steroids so I don't know the actual effect .. Clearly they're not good but is it a good enough reason for someone to commit such a hurtful act? If I know it is then I could try understand it better n stop being so hard on him. I'm just so confused. I've lost a big chunk of respect for him but my heart still holds onto the connection n love we shared before all this.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 October 2014):
 There is nothing wrong in wishing he would be THAT guy again, the one you feel in love with and spend 2 good years with. BUT it's not helping YOU, to pretend what he did, never happened.
I know HE wants a clean slate, but what about you? Does that means you are just supposed to forgive and forget? Because I can tell you this, you will NEVER forget. Forgive (yes in time it's possible, but it will ALWAYS be in the back on your mind).
HE needs to OWN his actions. HE needs to BE and ACT responsible for what he did. HE needs to do whatever it takes to rebuild trust for you.
A lie detector test is really not what's needed, it might give you short term peace of mind, but it's NOT the Gospel. Let's say he does take on and it shows up with "inconclusive" which means it could be a lie, it could be truth. Then you are no where.
I think if he REALLY want to prove he is trying, he will get an appointment with a doctor and go from there.
And you, keep focusing on YOU. If staying "friends" for now help you, then by all means do that. But don't do it out of guilt or because you feel you OWE him.
And I understand you want some sort of "reason" to why he did what he did. Again, a lie detector can't uncover that. ONLY he can. And saying, drugs made me do it, isn't a good enough excuse, in my book. Why did he start with steroids in the first place? Because THAT is as DETRIMENTAL to the relationship as his cheating. Why did he start to do ICE? Again... doing drugs is DETRIMENTAL to a relationship. This is WHY he needs to consider talking to his doctor and maybe even finding a counselor/ outpatient treatment. Because right now HE is living in denial. He is FIRMLY believing that drugs made him do all the bad things he did, BECAUSE it is EASIER than OWNING UP to what he really did. What he did to you, and to himself.
And this is maybe the hardest part, YOU need to STOP feeling like YOU are to blame for this. OR that you could have stopped him. FORGIVE yourself first.
And it's OK to love him still, but at some point in time you will want more. YOU will want to be with a guy you are IN love with and whom you love. He might never BE that guy for you again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, I realise I need to focus on me and I have been as of the past week I'm getting myself together again coz I was a mess I lost my job I lost my house I lost my friends due yo isolation n embrassment but I got it all back now except a job n I'm applying as from today .. So I'm Getn myself back together after seeing a psychologist .. N I'm not focusing on fixing him anymore coz as you said he did this not me n it's not my place to help him especially when I'm broken and he's the reason. We are trying to be friends now.. N see if I can focus on present n future instead of staying stuck in the past as that wasn't getting us anywhere. I see your points and it's hard because I can see all the logic yet I'm hoping that there's some way of it being proved to us that it was a reaction that made him do it all... It wd just help me cope .. But I do know reality is that it happened regardless of the reason it happened. :0/
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your response honeypot you made some good points which I am aware of however it is difficult being in the situation.. Yes I've been tested and am all clear. I have not told him he needs to do anything because I blv that's not the right way I wouldn't want to make him try change he would need to do it himself as you said. He has decided to stop on his own and has stated he would go to lie detectors monthly to prove he's not cheating or taking any drugs.. He brought it up not me so goes to show how willing he is yet It still won't take away the pain and undo what's been done I am aware of that . I am aware of all the wrongs and until last week I kept on shoving it all in his face every day making him hurt and suffer by seeing me suffering yet I don't want to play victim anymore as it had started to really get me down. I started to get back into training last week and stop throwing it in his face. He had asked for a clean slate and I've agreed to give him that but we are not officially together .. I Guess having him around in some way is a way of me coping with it all until I either move on away from him or accept what's happened and move on with him and try and look forward and only look back in order to remember what he is capable of.. He had stopped taking drugs and has moved in with me as a way of proving he's not sleeping around.. I'm still deciding on what to do but strangely enough when I had distanced myself before I was always anxious and couldn't eat or sleep n now he's around I can do both but every day I look at him I still can't accept what happened and still wonder if it was the drugs and steroids., I do understand they change ppl and don't make ppl cheat but they do have an impact on not caring as much and it thinking straight.., I'ts hard to make a decision on accepting due to my morals and knowing how loyal I can be.. I do still love him but I'm no longer inlove the way I was because that act.. You can't be inlove with that. I'm even thinking yo ask him on lie detecter if he really does blv it was the steroids and drugs that led him to do that or if he's jst saying it as a cover up? ..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 October 2014):
Well, I DO think drugs change people. He is NO longer the guy you dated. Seriously.
If you have ever dealt with an addict you will find that they will lie, steal, hurt others to get what THEY want. Mostly that is the "drug" (or whatever they are addicted to).
But that doesn't mean whatever he did is excusable. Trying to "save" a prostitute from that lifestyle doesn't mean he HAD to sleep with her did it? That is not exactly HOW you "save" a prostitute.
Have YOU been tested for STD's? Have he? Because let's face it, a prostitute (or massage parlor "assistant"..) is in a high risk job when it comes to STD's.
What you might ALSO want to consider is :
***If left untreated, some depressive symptoms associated with anabolic steroid withdrawal have been known to persist for a year or more after the abuser stops taking the drugs.***
He is SO far from being out of the woods.
So there IS a high chance of him sliding back, and honestly YOU need to consider making yourself your FIRST priority, not a guy who CHOSE to do steroids and ICE AND get involved with a prostitute.
I get that you want to give him the "benefit of the doubt" because of your two year history, the thing is though YOU can not put on blinders and pretend what he did didn't happen, because HE WANTS to go back to his "happy place" with you. HE SCREWED up your relationship ALL by himself.
BE cautious. YOU can not fix him. IF he is trying to do that himself good, you can SUPPORT him, I just think it's a huge risk for you to think of him as "the great guy you USED to date." I hope you suggest for him to seek REAL help, not assume he can "cure" himself by shere willpower.
Also you refer him to a:
*** I looked at it as having a loyal dog who then gets injected with something ***
He didn't GET injected. He made that choice himself for whatever reason.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys I know what you're saying it just feels like he became a total different person I guess I'm just trying to maybe make myself feel better by telling myself it was a chemical reaction substance influence because I just don't get why or how anything else makes sense and if that wasn't the reason than its so much more hurtful. I guess reason I've continued to speak to him and consider giving it another go is because I looked at it as having a loyal dog who then gets injected with something (yes I know it was his choice to inject steroids and snort ice) and then the dog reacting to this and attacking me.. And even after allll the pain , knowing that dog a tracked me I'd be scared to trust it again but do I just get it put down when it was under the influence? Or do I take it back n take the risk? That's kind of how I been looking at it.. As I said its prob jst to make me feel better coz the reality of someone just cheating coz they wanted to n were in their normal state of mind it jst doesn't make sense to me like just be single if u gna cheat! And also he does have a history of cheating on past girlfriends but he says it's every time he started taking steroids coz he would take more drugs... Etc n not be in gd state of mind.. Whatever the reason.. He's going thru hell trying to win my trust back.. When really it'd be easier for him to just be single n be with whoever he wants... That's where it gets me thinking to; maybe it was the steroids/drugs making him think he could do whatever he wanted n not have a guilt filture or need to be honest or respect filture or... To just be s total a$$ hole!! As stupid as it sounds I have sympathy for him ruining such a great thing if it was out of the act of being under the influence.. It's either that or he really is an aSs hold n thought he could get away with it. The girl he cheated on me with worked at an erotic massage place .. And he tried saving her from that and tried helping her get on track in life... Just totally stupid stuff that he normally wouldn't do.. Through all of this I managed to find a place to rent and he had paid for all my new furniture etc seeing as he was the reason I had nothing.. Yes so he should and yes at the end of the day he still continuously cheated and hurt me incredibly but I guess he didn't have to be trying n If he wanted to continue on and be with other girls ... Soooo confused because I really loved him so much and we share so much together yet I am scarred from his actions.. Whenever I had read any other girls comments on these things I used to think of how insecure or stupid they must be to even consider... Well here I am in "that girl" n bring here hurts n it's confusing ..
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 October 2014):
 "Relationships" with people who ingest kooky substances are, necessarily, high-risk.... and topsy-turvy. Is THAT the kind of "relationship" you want? If "yes," then carry on as you have been. If "no," then you need to get away from this guy and find a different one....
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 October 2014):
 Ice (crystal methamphetamine) is highly addictive and often used with sex. I'd be worried about as future relapse. Honey is right "The probability that he will start to use again... is VERY huge."
FA
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 October 2014):
 My brother used steroids when he was a body builder...
it can make you more aggressive but it will not cause you to cheat.
He's making excuses. It's not even an explanation.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 October 2014):
Steroids are known for increased aggression. And for MANY users it turns into hardcore drug use to counteract insomnia and irritability resulting from anabolic steroids.
It doesn't TURN a guy into a cheater and liar. THOSE are choices.
And unfortunately stopping steroids doesn't mean he will revert back to the guy he was BEFORE he took them.
2 months sober/clean is good, but if he is attempting this on his own... I'd worry about him slipping back, but I'd worry more that he thinks you should just "get over it" and trust him. He really hasn't done ANYTHING to rebuild that trust, THAT is his job, NOT yours.
There is plenty of research out there you can look up online about steroids.
It would be a dealbreaker X3 for me. Cheating, lying AND drugs? Yeah, I would walk away. Love can't fix this. The probability that he will start to use again... is VERY huge.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (30 October 2014):
 It could be....but why does it matter? He's still cheated on you.
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