A
female
age
,
*nch
writes:My husband works long days and when he gets home, he wants to spend time with the kids from the neighbors or just hang out with the neighbor. We talked about this many times, even as recent as a week ago when he and the neighbor stayed up until 2 a.m. drinking in their backyard. Every time, my husband says he realizes we need to spend more time together and it will change. But it never does. Today, he left for work at 4:30 a.m., like every day and didn't get home until 6:45 p.m. He was still in the car on the driveway on the phone with work when the neighbor's kids came to the door (we don't have kids, not by choice) and said that he was home and was ready to play baseball with them! I thought they had to be kidding and misunderstood. But no, my husband came in, said he had to go play with the kids because he promised, took a quick shower, and by 7 p.m. he was out again! It's very hard for me to bring this up with him now because my nephew is visiting from overseas and I don't want to spoil his vacation. But I really don't know anymore how to handle this or to get through to him. Any advice would be so very greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, Inch +, writes (21 July 2008):
Inch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all my apologies for not replying sooner. Somehow I was unable to get to the website the past days, even when I tried through the links in the reply alerts I received in my Inbox or by just typing in the URL. Oddly enough, I finally managed to get back in it by googling my own question.
Thank you all very much for your replies. They were all very helpful. I will indeed be more specific. The thing is that we have discussed this before and every time, he realizes it and says things will change, but before you know it, it's back to the same old, same old again. As for my having a relationship with the neigbor's wife, although she is very nice, she is usually busy running the household and I do have the distinct feeling (and have clearly noticed and was even told by her) that she is also not too crazy about the fact that our husbands (and the children) spend so much time together, at the expense of the wives. The husband/neighbor somehow doesn't seem to mind. But because of the wife's feelings, I am very sensitive to becoming too intrusive, whereas my husband doesn't seem to have any boundaries.
My husband and I had a calm talk about it on Friday and I told him that, although I really also love the neigbor's kids very much, I don't see why every time they ask to come play ball or whatever, he has to jump on it. He said it's to please the children. But my reasoning is also that, if he wouldn't like to do it, he definitely wouldn't. It's as simple as that. And besides, it's not just a matter of the children. If the neighbor is home before his wife and the children, the guys hang out in the garage and chit-chat. Again, nothing wrong with that, we all need time with friends, but there should be a balance. I will indeed also start claiming time and make plans for us.
Thank you all again for all your support. It is a great to hear views from someone else's perspective!
A
female
reader, misfitschik66  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 maybe he is looking for that "family feeling" that he doesn't quiet have with his own family
you said you don't have children maybe he spends so much like with the neighbors kids because he needs to feel that father like feeling he doesn't have or will never have
you need to discuss this further and find out the real reason you need to make dates and times for each other not just
" come home for supper "
good luck XoXo
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): I would be upset too. However, did you set a time for dinner? Did he know that he was expected home at a certain time? I recommend confronting him by saying things like:
"Honey, let's do something this weekend instead of staying at home. What do you think?" He will probably ask what you have in mind...be prepared with options.
or
"________, could you and ________ be home by --:--. Dinner will be ready at --:--.
or
"Let's rent a movie tonight and just relax and sit on the sofa together. I feel like we hardly get a chance to see each other".
Men many times need things spelled out for them. When women act as if their male counterparts should have known something or done something they get very frustrated. Hints don't work. Don't hint for him to take out the garbage. Simply ask. Don't assume that he knows.
"Honey, do you know you have spent every night this week at the neighbor's house? Don't you think that is a bit much? We never spend time together. Is everything alright?"
The last thing...use an even tone in your voice. Men hate it when their girls start becoming disciplinarians like their mothers. Having a good tone sets the mood of the conversation. And the more you come across as someone who is trying to be reasonable and communicative, the more chance he will give you the same respect.
I hope that helps a little.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): My husband does the same thing he's never home but I know where he his so I try not to worry too much. But we also have kids in which see him when he decides to be home. I asked him to start coming home more he said he would but when he didn't I started pushing for it n he almost left me so I'm stuck in the same hell hole
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A
female
reader, Inch +, writes (18 July 2008):
Inch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, my husband and my nephew finally walked in at 8:40 pm and were surprised that dinner was ready! Duh! When my nephew was out of the room, my husband asked me if I was upset. I simply told him just to keep up appearances for my nephew. Then we had dinner and the whole time, my husband was sitting there with a face like a thunder cloud, barely reacting when I or my nephew said something. I just made some small talk, again just for my nephew. After dinner, my husband barely waited until my nephew put his last bite in his mouth, got up from the table, went to the bathroom, came out again a little while later, told my nephew he was going to sleep and that was it. I actually turned my anger into being very sweet, of course without meaning it! I am so outraged and am fed up with coming last after everything and everyone else!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): It seems like your husband has a close relationship with your neighbors. When did it start? And why isn't it mutual for you too? Do you have a relationship with the woman of the household?
Obviously, he gets something out of spending a lot of time with another family. You mentioned that you don't have kids, but not by choice. I am sensing some sensitivity around this issue. But perhaps I am wrong. Maybe, he likes spending time with the neighbors because he is able to be around children?
Instead of just saying, "let's spend more time together", just do something...like going to a movie or cooking something special for dinner. Find a way of relaxing together. Because your nephew is visiting, it should be easier to convince him that he is needed at home.
To give better advice, I would need more information to analyze the situation any further.
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