A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I really need some help here as I am going round in circles. I have had a massive falling out with my sister in law and we have had nothing to do with each other for about 18 months. My husband sided with her in the argument so naturally things have been very frosty brtween us since then. Eighteen months have gone by and I am genuinely unable to forgive her and partly him although I have seen a psychotherapist to try and help me work through it. I don't want to go into what the disagreement was about as it is very long winded and would take pages but in a nutshell we have different views over what is an acceptable way of treating someone. My husband still clearly sides with his sister against me, which eats away at me. We have rowed on and off for the entire 18 months over this and it is now making me very ill with stress and anxiety. My husband wants this sorted but when I ask him how he sees this happening he clearly puts the blame at my door and insists that the onus is on me to make more of an effort, stop being selfish, be part of his family etc etc and in no way will he ever say and my sister needs to do this and that etc etc to put things right - it all firmly is put at my door. I have tried approaching this subject in many ways , I have played the part of all concerned in my head and with my therapist but I just am at a mental block and cannot move on. My question is how can I genuinely forgive someone and move on - not so that I am play acting and just pretending for the time that I have to spend with her - but genuinely forgive so it is no longer eating away at me inside and making me ill? I have to add that this woman is not affected at all by my upset and is totally unaware of the deep upset it has caused me.
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female
reader, Candid Cally  +, writes (28 October 2012):
I can only offer you the starting point to forgive:
You feel you are right. You despise being manipulated by others to seemingly conform to an ideal that is against your ethics or moral code. But it isn't about whether anyone was right or wrong anymore, it is about whether you can put your anger and resentment behind you so that you can move forward in life.
Right now, this nasty memory is holding you back. Instead of just letting time mend your wounds from this, you are holding on so tightly to being right that you re-live your anger, hurt, and your resentment. Every time this happens, you pour salt in the wounds. Every time you relive this past memory, it intrudes upon your present life and snatches away the time and energy you could be using to create a positive present for yourself. This is robbing you of your opportunities to enjoy your present and create happy memories for yourself.
Whatever this was about has mutated. The fact is you are certain you are right and you don't feel like you should have to apologize to them.
Guess what? Forgiveness is NOT about apologizing!
You don't have to genuinely apologize to them for this! Yes, you should apologize and tell them what they want to hear, but this is only because it is the right thing to do if you hope to have a better relationship with your husband and his family.
Forgiveness is about letting go.
By letting go of your pride, by letting go of the argument, and hurt, and anger you feel, and simply offering an apology...you bring closure to the past that has been haunting all of you.
The first step to forgiving is swallowing one's pride. It is a bitter bitter pill, but the sour taste now is worth the sweeter present you will have: serenity.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): Since no one knows what was said then I couldn't give you clear advice on whether or not you or your sister in law is right. Bottom line is to forgive and move on. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. You don't harbor any bad feelings and neither are you angry. Just let it go and move on.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 October 2012):
 I think you should emulate your sister-in-law (as you described her current status).... and put this whole matter behind you...
Oh....and while you are at it.... trade in your husband for another who is a little more loyal to you!!!!......
Good luck...
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