A
female
age
36-40,
*isscooks32
writes:i dont get it, just all of a sudden its like im not good enough, out of nowhere im lazy,dead weight,i dont dress good enough,i dont have high self esteem and basically it seems as if im not the person he wants to be with at all!!, but he is my husband going on 5 years now, and now its like he never really cared, his love has faded, we have 3 kids together and he has never cheated (far as i no), but he wants me to change myself from the inside out, then he will decide if he wants to be with me, but in the mean time he is treating me like shit, i cant talk to him without him having an attitude or yelling at me or just acting like im not talking, i get blamed for everything which is bs, it seems as i cant do anything right these days, he is acting like its nothing playing it off like its a big joke, when im getting torn apart from the inside out, i cant stop crying, every single day i cry, i have my daughter in my face asking me mommy whats wrong its so painful, i love my husband with everything i have and i love my family, and the last thing i want is to be apart, im at a loss right now, i dont no what to do, how do you go by day to day knowing the man you love isnt really in love or acts like he isnt anyways, he says if i change things will get better, but he isnt giving me a chance to change, everytime i try to talk its like he doesnt want me even talking to him, he gets mad when i talk to him, i cant take this pain i dont no what to do. im seeking antidepressants just to cope through all of this, im only 24 years old, but i've never felt a pain like this before what do i do??, this is a pain i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy help!!!!!!!
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female
reader, joyfulness +, writes (19 July 2009):
Ok. your not going to like this answer.My husband did a very similar thing to me. He all of a sudden hated everything about me. And he asked me to leave. I begged. I pleaded. I prayed and talked to everyone who would listen. I CRIED, and CRIED untill I couldnt stand it anymore. I ended up with an ulcer and I lost 45 lbs in 1 month. and I changed who I was to try to keep him. He stayedHere is what your not going to like. It has been 9 months and I wish he would have left. I HATE who I had to be, what I had to do to keep him. My husband was having an affair with my best friend. It was an emotional affair and the only reason it didnt get far enough to be physical was because her husand, my husbands best friend caught on. I found out about it and I was so despirate to keep him, ( well actually to keep my family together and not let that bitch end up with my house) that I was willing to forgive and love him anyway. He lied to people, he lied to me, the reason he hated who I was....... was because HE was guilty. He had to somehow make it all my fault... and he did enough so that I was SICK with fear, and pain.I HATE him for what he put me through and I am angry at myself for being weak. My husband has appologized so much, and says he loved me all along, he was just lead astray. Which may be true... ButWhat he said to me....... the things he said...... the things he did to DISTROY me.... Emotionally..... how could you love someone and do that??I know you hate this answer...... but believe me.... even if you stay together... the pain afterward, the memory of what he put you though.... is awful!!! GET into counciling. You wont make it afterward if you dont. Your marriage of course can be saved. God can do anything... BUT if your husband doesnt want to and wont ..... Leave him... and go to counciling anyway. And go to a christian counciler. Find yourself, who you are inside, what makes you happy. Heal. Love the time with your children. And stay single. Maybe than he will come back to you asking for your forgiveness. It is the path I wish I would have choicen.You have 3 children... Do you want your sons treating thier wives like this? do you want your Daughters husbands treating them like this. Be strong! and have faith. But DO NOT alow him to abuse you like this. that is what it is ABUSE.. weather you believe it or not.( I didnt at the time) I pray your marriage can be saved. Make sure your getting help though it all so you can heal and not feel the pain and bitterness after the fact. I am still struggling with it. But have decided I am going to make sure I am happy. It makes him quite mad. I got a new job. I love it! I started reading again and going places with just my daughter and myself, for us only. I read a book and I did nothing all day yesterday. He blew a gasket and through around the chair in the kitchen. I stayed calm and said. It makes me happy, and I dont understand why you arent happy with something I enjoy so much. I realize how selfish he is, like a child stomping up and down "pay attention to me" it was that selfishness that alowed him to treat me that way. I will try to remain his loyal wife. I will struggle with my anger. I just wish I had chosen the better path.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2008): This husband sounds just like the one I had... The only thing is that I haven't had any kids with him. He started to occuse me of men talking to me and keep on arguing..he stole my money and other things and took it to Jamaica...yeh what happen we got married and after two years after he got his papers he start treating me very bad. He left home 7yrs now and up until now he did not even call to see if i am ok... can you believe this man? I know that there are other women out there that is going through this and I wish that we can join-up and get a law pass to prevent this from happening... Yes this is a big problem and I think that it should be stoped....Is there anyone out there who can help me?
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A
female
reader, misscooks32 +, writes (22 September 2008):
misscooks32 is verified as being by the original poster of the questiongosh your answers are awesome and they helped me out i feel so alone, my husband is the only person i talk to but now if i even try to talk with him, he gets mad, and im like how in the hell are things going to get better if we cant even talk. it makes no sense, i no people think im crazy because he has a list of things that i need to change in order for him to decide if he still wants to be with me which is bullshit i no, but i love him so much he is my husband for almost 5 years now and we have made a family together, i havent been planning the rest of my life as a single mother, i've been planning it with my husband and as a family, so what do i do??, he says oh well if you do what your sapposed to be doing then you will see that i want to be with you, you will already no. and he says there is no compromise its either change or we cannot be together!! this is a whole side of him that i've never came across and i dont like it. last night i was looking up antidepressants and he saw me doing it and he said "its not depression, its you...", how messed up is that. i feel like im not good enough for him in any way. never in my life have i ever felt such a pain. i'ed rather give birth 3 times a day, then to go through this. the thing that really get me is that i am trying to change, but how do i change if he dont want to talk to me and give me a chance??, im at a loss right now, but i am really happy and blessed that i came across this website i had no idea there were so many people out there with all these issues and so many people who actually listens and cares and shares advice that is wonderful. for all the people reading my problems and taking the time to listen and show you care by writing back, thank you so much because right now you care more than my own husband does, a complete stranger. you are helping me because right now i have no one so many blessings to you.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (22 September 2008):
 Please leave the asshole. Even if you get into a custody battle and he ends up with the kids, your mental health is at stake.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): Ok chick, here's where I'm seeing a problem. He's telling you to change and what's even worse is that you're trying to. Meds are the last thing you need and they are not going to make the situation go away. The only reason you should change is for yourself. It sounds like he is the one with the problem and he needs help. It is not healthy for your children to see him treating you like that and even though you love him, he's not worth you feeling like this.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (22 September 2008):
 Right sweetheart seems to me that yes you could well be depressed and seeking medical advice is the way to go on this.
Your husband is saying these things perhaps to give you a jolt, not in a diplomatic way but rather callous and that just isn't fair.
If you are crying every day and you are going to bed and getting a good amount of sleep but waking up like you need to go back to bed again and get another 8 hours sleep then you are most definitely suffering with some form of depression. You say you have 3 children and you are only 24, that in itself is a full time job and I wonder if you actually have postnatal depression.
How old are your children btw?
My postnatal depression started after my daughter was born and I tried to tell my ex and my doctor that something wasn't right but it took 2 years before someone actually listened and that was a health visitor and it was after the death of my friend's daughter who was 6 weeks older than my daughter and she was 2 and a half at the time when she died. Only then did they actually get me some help of a sort of antidepressant and I got to see a psychiatric nurse who gave me regular sessions to see that there were problems in my relationship that I didn't even realise were going on.
I think maybe your husband has the issues here but it also sounds like the dynamics of your relationship has changed and this could be because your attention is focused on the children and maybe not him so much these days.
You are ONLY 24 so your life should not feel like hell right now.
Things WILL get better believe me but you need to get the help for you and no one else, you need to put yourself first at least once a day whether that is by having a bath or reading a book for an hour or something nice that you enjoy.
Don't continue to try and talk to your husband if it is upsetting you and if you go to your doctor or medical centre to get the antidepressants and some free counselling if possible then you can always say - look I AM GETTING help for me but what are you doing to help? Insulting me is not going to help how I feel and make things better between us, just stop the insults and the put downs and maybe things will get better, unless you don't want them to? Put the question back on him again.
You don't have to put up with insults and put downs sweetheart, you need to regain your strength and I am SURE you are a good mum who is possibly overwhelmed by everything right now and if you are not getting the emotional support from your husband it is no wonder that you are struggling to cope on a day to day basis.
Get help for YOU as you need to be strong for you and your children and unfortunately your husband will just have to cope for himself at the moment as you only have ONE pair of hands.
Your husband is a grown up here but he is not acting like one by the sounds of things, if he wants you to SORT yourself out as he puts it then he needs to be there for you on an emotional and physical level by having his presence there so that maybe he has the children while you go to the doctor or counsellor or perhaps put in place some extra help from friend's or family. You don't have to struggle on your own as you are not wonder woman, we all need help at some point in our lives.
There will be light at the end of the tunnel but you have to make the first move if you want to stop this cycle of nastiness from your husband.
Regain your inner strength first and the rest of your life will fall into place. You may get so strong that you don't want your husband anymore or you face him with the truth that he is just a pure bully to you right now and unless he changes his attitude towards you then he can leave until he knows how to behave as a husband and responsible father.
Take one step at a time and one day at a time, don't over stretch yourself by taking on too much extra stuff i.e. with your children's school etc just think about you first of all then your children and then your husband as that is the only way to go right now.
Keep us posted and you are not alone believe me.
Smile and tell yourself in a mirror how wonderful you are and how you are going to make changes to your life for YOU.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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