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female
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*en43
writes: According to my husband of less than five years, I am not very tolerant and a complainer. Here are the complaints I've discussed with my husband, and keep in mind this is over a period of FIVE years: (1) His oldest sister is just downright mean, and always takes the opportunity to say something rude to me every time we see her. I am not exaggerating, and he has witnessed her in action. At his insistence, I do not respond. Thank goodness she lives across the country in CA and we only see her 2 or 3 times a year! (EX: On a recent family vacation in Hawaii, she had her own mother in tears, and her grown son got so mad and upset at her that he packed his bags to take the first flight back home--and all that was on the 3rd day of a 10-day vacation!). (2)His other sister is nice, but very lazy and needy. She has a Masters Degree and won't work. She lives with her boyfriend on his boat in the Carribean and has asked us for and has gotten three loans totaling a substantial amount of money. I'm resentful of this, even though it doesn't have any effect on us financially. I only have a high school education and started off as a low-salaried receptionist in a law firm in a city far away from my family, and I never had to go begging for money. Besides that, my family could use the money too, but they would never ask for it. She is also very irresponsible, and her brother--my husband--always has to "help" her complete her own tasks, whether it's her taxes or even packing her own bags when she gets ready to return home from visiting us! (Another EX: She a purchased bunch of food gifts for a gift basket. She left to return home and just left everything in my husband's trunk. At his request, I had to peel off all the tags and arrange everything in the basket for her.) Last night, my husband verbally attacked me over this latest complaint: Our handyman makes numerous, numerous mistakes, so not only do we have to re-purchase the materials for the project, we have to pay him again for his time! My husband and his business partner not only supply the handyman's cell phone, but they pay the bill for him, too. Yesterday, while "on the clock," he spent at least an hour playing with a new phone they got him. Finally, my annoyance took over and I told him that he should be playing with the phone on his own time and that I thought he was taking advantage of us. Last night when my husband got home it was bad. He told me that I'm the "common denominator," and he brought up all the complaints I ever had about anyone!! It was very hurtful. He won't say anything to any of them, and expects me not to say anything, either, or he'll get mad. He says I'm too sensitive and that I overreact. I don't think so. I worked as a litigation paralegal in a law firm for years and years, and believe me, one can't work in that stressful environment with attorneys breathing down your neck and be "sensitive!" I am so upset that he inferred that I'm the problem. Am I? If so, would some kind soul out there please do me a tremendous favor and tell me what my problem is?? Or what his problem is? Or what our problem is? Thanks to anyone who can give me some insight. I love my husband very much and cherish my marriage, but his reaction has really, really bothered me. We get along very well, but when it comes to me being unhappy with someone (and I very seldom complain about anyone), it's almost as if he cares about everyone's feelings above mine, even the handyman's!
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female
reader, Jen43 +, writes (18 May 2006):
Jen43 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell Hi, Dear Irish 49! I hope I rated your reply. If I didn't, I certainly am now, and I hope you forgive me for my tardy "thank you!" You have NO idea how much I truly appreciate your reponse. I waited a while to post this follow-up because I wanted to see if my hubby and I could somehow deal with our problems concerning his rude sisters and my surprise and disappointment at his reaction. Although I never let him know I was seeking advice for dealing with the problems they caused between us, we did end up discussing everything in detail shortly after you posted your reply. Basically, I repeated your EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT advice/comments to him. I could never understand why he'd get so upset, and he felt like I was putting him under pressure to confront his family and/or change their behavior. The person who sent the first reply completely missed the mark--while I would make a remark in response to rudeness directed towards me, I would never "tell someone off," by raising my voice and using profanity or insults. As you so smartly pointed out, I only wanted to vent to him since he really IS my best friend. When I read your response, it's like a light went on--I never thought he thought I expected him to "change" the way his family behaves. I mean, I wish he could, but I know he can't! ha ha. Anyway, now he knows anytime I complain (which is rare although from reading this it sounds as if I complain all the time) I just want him to listen and you know what? He does! Thanks again for your words of wisdom.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2006): Your husband may not be ready to face the fact his family and others can be difficult to deal with, so it's easier to blame you-rather than coming to terms with their bad behaviours. In his heart, he knows you're likely right, and it doesn't sound like you expect him to solve the issues, you just need someone to "vent to". We all need that and who better, than our spouse and best friend. Right now, I would remain calm and talk to him, about your concerns. I wouldn’t bring any of these past incidents up; I would just talk about the two of you, man and wife can cope with different stresses, that come into your marriage. He just needs to be a more respectable and listen. Let him know, he doesn't have to resolve these issues..that you are just looking for support from him.
You sound like a moral, good person who has been taught some etiquette and manners, in your upbringing. I do think we meet others, in life, who don't behave as well. A sad fact of life. We cannot change things so we simply just accept their limitations and make our own lives the best it can be. As you know, it's not anyone's job to keep other adult's behaviour's in line-grownups take care of their own emotions and responses. Sound like you have done your best, to ignore these incidents. But, I do have concern about your husband. He's not listening to your thoughts, feelings and opinions. I do think this is a "respect" issue and it's causing a rift. I have a concern that if you are ever being directly affected by his family's acting-out behaviours, will he step up to the plate and stand behind you? A lot of guys have a tough time dealing with family's behaviour's and do not adequately protect their own wife and family. Some men have to learn how to be a different person around their extended families and not let these people yank their wives around. That is long term work. Let him know what your expectations are-do it lovingly but be strong-be honest. Good Luck, dear.
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A
female
reader, Jen43 +, writes (12 January 2006):
Jen43 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioneeeeeck! Obviously, not what I wanted to hear, but hey, that's why I posted my question. I need to hear what others think. Thanks a bunch.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2006): It does seem that there are an awful lot of people in your life who you find a lot of things wrong with.
I'd be inclined to believe your husband is right. Maybe you should be willing to consider that for a few days.
My guess is, you're both right. It sounds like you're kind of a hot-head. Honestly, I'm pretty controntational. I have a horrible temper and just about no patience. But I swear, if someone I was involved with was going to tell off one of my siblings? I'd lose it. No way. Family is family. They're total screw-ups sometimes. It happens. THAT'S THE POINT! Your family always loves you, even when you've spent the last three years being a screw-up.
I can't believe you're hacked about taking tags off fruit and putting them into a basket. Seriously - how hard was that? It sounds like you're mad about it more over principle than anything else.
Love is patient; love is kind. Spend some time trying to love people a little more.
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