A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sort of beside myself. My husband of 9 years says I have anxiety and it is my fault that I do not trust him, because I have anxiety. But I think the fault is his.I recently found a number on his phone under Fed Ex and it was a young woman...NOT Fed Ex... when I called it. I asked him about the number and he said it was Fed Ex and it has been on his phone for at least 20 years but I see his contacts list often because I use his phone. I am almost positive he never had Fed Ex as a contact. To me it appears to be a more recent contact. I called the number and a young woman answered (she said she was 13!!!) and that she did not know my husband, but she was pretty rude and seemed more mature than her alleged years. He said he has no idea who she is or why she is on his phone. He said he thought it was the number for Fed Ex. I made him erase the number but it popped up again on his phone a month later, and he then said the same thing. He has no idea how that happened. I also saw on his Snapchat account a name of a woman with the exact same name as his mother, and it said this person was in his contacts. But it was a dark skinned woman's bitmoji not his mothers (she is 90 years old and caucasian) and his mother's user name is totally different from this person's user name. Also when I tried to find this user on my Snapchat account, she did not pop up. Which means only certain people see her as she has her privacy settings set that way. So, he sees her but I do not. This is also odd. I wonder who she is? He says it is strange another person on Snapchat who has the exact same name as his mother appears on his contacts list. This of course leads me to think that maybe he talks to someone else and has hidden them under his mother's name in his contacts? Or uses a dummy account under his mom's name to hide a second Snapchat account?I don't know what to believe anymore.Can everyone help to guide me on what to do? Is this my anxiety? Or is he the one who is difficult to trust?Thanks. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2022): It seems you have an ongoing distrust in your husband and a suspicion of his cheating. It wasn't just clear out of the blue that you checked the number on his phone under FedEx.
Does he have a history of cheating? Did he cheat on you while you dated prior to marriage? Was he still with someone else when you both met? Has he cheated during your marriage? It was by no coincidence that you checked the FedEx number; but it seems as if you've got some standing suspicion something is going on. You must regularly check every number he has in his phone, you didn't even trust the number under FedEx to be legit! If you don't trust him, I too have to ask you, why are you still with him?
It does appear that he is lying about who that number belongs to. Why keep a number year after year that you'll never use? I would suggest that you use an online phone number identifying service to determine who the number actually belongs to; because you'll never have peace of mind when someone gaslights you and disrespects your intelligence. He is innocent until proven guilty. You can't convict or accuse under suspicion alone.
The reappearance of the number that is not an actual FedEx business listing raises some questions. It's obviously someone's residential number; but until it is determined to whom it belongs, you may as well let the matter rest. Investigate, and do not address the issue until you have solid evidence that he can't deny. If you go that far, you should be prepared to take some sort of action; because if you're going to stay regardless of what you find, you may as well just leave it alone.
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (31 January 2022):
 I recall a post very similar to this one some time ago.
I think it is obvious from your post that he is lying to you and trying to cover things up.
He know you are anxious, he is really not doing anything to help this, infact by lying to you, and gaslighting he is making things worse.
Trust is the most important thing in a relationship, without trust a relationship is doomed to fail.
I agree with Honeypie, if you don't trust him then why are you with him?.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2022): Gut instinct counts for nothing in situations like this. You can get a paranoid person person or a person with no self esteem believing their husband is cheating - due to various so called signs - when they are not. Gut instinct then misleads them and makes them more suspicious and sure when they are wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2022): I think it is possible that you would get this anxiety whoever you were married to. You pick up signs and clues but they might be wrong, it might be your fear and your insecurity or it might be the truth. The snag is that when you tell someone you found a clue they automatically believe you, it never enters their head that you might be imagining the whole thing due to your insecurities. Only you would be able to know one from the other and that takes time. In the meantime it is pointless to check his phone, it makes you more insecure and worried, what is the point of that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2022): Put the number as a contact on your phone. Block your number, and call it from time to time to see who answers. You can also pay a phone-number identifier service online to trace the name and address to whom the number belongs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2022): You have been sleuthing and found out certain anomalies that your husband says are nothing to do with him.
It is quite possible he is concealing contacts.
If that is so, then what do you intend to do about it!
You could make a backup plan to leave him or you could laugh it off as pure hype.
Many times there are other things that come across as warning signs such as lame excuses for unexplained absences.
If there is nothing to concern you then it is unlikely that you would feel this to be a pressing issue.
But perhaps the problem lies in the power you give him.
If you had one or two numbers on your phone that came across as deliberately misleading then how would he feel.
If he didn't loose any sleep over it would you feel he was taking you for granted?
The numbers could mean anything but they don't necessarily indicate his is talking and sexting another female.
I don't have any gut feeling on this at all.
So maybe your husband has secrets from you or maybe you are too much in his pocket.
I would suggest that you boost your own life up by acting as unconcerned as possible and making plans together as you would if you had no worries at all.
Other than that you will have to go all out to prove he is up to something such as enlist private investigators to follow him, getting another person to phone the numbers back up etc.
But if you go that route you spend a lot of money just to try to prove to yourself that you need a divorce.
I personally think filing numbers under FedEx and his mother's name to be a guys way of concealing his contacts but as you have the numbers why can't you just snoop on these two people if you are determined to dig some dirt on him!
It's up to you how much of a problem you want this to be.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 January 2022):
 I'll make this short because there is no need for a lengthy response.
Trust your gut instinct; you have one for good reason.
I'm sorry. Nothing else to say which would be useful.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 January 2022):
 A 13 year old girl is not a "young woman" she is a CHILD.
" I made him erase the number but it popped up again on his phone a month later, and he then said the same thing. He has no idea how that happened."
Erasing the number doesn't make the number go away. It will pop up if the number calls/text HIM or vice verse.
He should BLOCK and delete the number. The thing is he KNOWS who it is. He is just gaslighting you into thinking you are making it all up or it's some grand mistake.
Numbers linked to a business MIGHT show up (when they call or text you) with the name of the business, a PRIVATE number doesn't show up with a company name. SO if the number is a private number, HE added the Fed Ex. Phones don't just add whatever to a number, people do.
I think his gaslightling and lying don't help your anxiety, but anxiety can also exacerbate small insignificant things into bigger things.
The question is IF you don't trust him at all, WHY are you with him?
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