A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband has told me he wants a divorce after 2.5 years of marriage.There isn't someone else, but somewhere/something else.He's intending on moving to start a new life in Manhattan, said he feels more comfortable there, and also wants to renounce his Singaporean citizenship and get a green card, then U.S. citizenship after 5 years.Dual citizenship isn't allowed anyway here in Singapore for various reasons. So he couldn't have both citizenships anyway.He told me he's felt American ever since he was 5; here feels too alien for him (his family used to visit the U.S. and Australia a lot for holiday; they're wealthy, I'm middle-class by comparison to them) and he's been in secret negotiations about getting a job (although the job is apparently a sinecure with limited responsibilities). He apparently wants to do the sinecure with ghostwriting on the side.The job is guaranteed, although the pandemic's made me question if it really is... as it stands, the firm has only two foreign employees, a Brit and an Italian, it's based in New York City, it's got 40 Americans working for it (well, 43 if you include the CEO and managers!); he's become good friends with the small firm's CEO via a business social networking site which verifies its' members' identities (it only has 180 members!)I like where I live and don't want to move, but he does. He told me "You don't have to come, if you don't want to, you're my best friend and wife".I really do love him, but don't know what brought about this desire to move; do you think "be careful what you wish for" and "the grass isn't greener on the other side" apply?I really love him, surprised he kept this secret since April 2013.Also, he told me that it's not that he doesn't love me, he's only realized now that he loves me more like a friend/sister than a wife, and says I'm not ugly, but he can't bring himself to have sex with me because of that; is this a Madonna-whore complex?He says I'm more like his best friend than a wife and I feel more like a sister to him and thinks I should get a new partner (I did date women briefly, but that's legal, but taboo here).I really thought our life was quite good; I work for a car dealer, delivering cars to and from two dealers, and my husband works in tech freelancing but wants to go into ghostwriting for a living (he's ghostwritten for friends, as practice, actually paid, and ghostwrites a minor influencer's blog here).I feel worried about this because we've been together since April 2012 and I really thought our life together was good and we only had minor squabbles.I want some help on how to handle things mentally, as I wasn't prepared for this, it's not something I expected when getting married, no books on marriage tell you how to deal with a situation like THIS!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2021): I'm happy that at least he loves you, and told you so. I want to assure you this really doesn't seem like Madonna-whore complex. I don't think he's idolizing women as saintly; with you as the exception. He says he sees you as a sister. That's a long-shot from being a whore! He admits he's unable to get sexually-aroused when it comes to love-making. Understandable, if he perceives his own wife in a "sisterly-way."
I've mentioned in some of my posts here on DC, that there is the unfortunate occurrence when men or women have been with their childhood-sweethearts who become spouses, or long-term partners (who used to be platonic-friends) for so long; that they grow very genial, and their partnership can become "desexualized." Actually, that can happen in any marriage or long-term relationship; one or the other just loses all interest in sex. You can't deny that could also be attributed to a history of cheating, verbal or physical-abuse, meanness, bullying, or neglect.
This situation probably has nothing to do with your looks or lack of sex-appeal; but as a couple, how you relate to each-other emotionally. When you've grown-up with someone since you were kids or teenagers, or they were once a friend; it is plausible that the connection can phase-out the sexual-component. If you were joined in an arranged-marriage, I could also see where that might happen.
In Asia, young-men and women are pressured to get married and settle-down to have grandchildren by their old-school or traditional-parents. Men who remain bachelors too long, are suspected of being gay! Wealthy-parents want heirs; so they will heavily pressure their sons or daughters to marry. They'll even threaten to choose a bride or husband for them. To avoid that, some will rush into marriage; for the sake of having someone they've chosen for themselves, and happen to like. You didn't mention how you met, or what things were like during your courtship before marriage. Was it really sexualized? Do you have an open-marriage?
You mentioned an attraction to women. If he's aware of that, it could also attribute to his uncertain attraction towards you. This is purely speculation. You might have been a marriage of convenience. Maybe he's sparing your feelings by omitting that. Yet to tell his wife she feels like a sister, and he wants to move west to the United States without her; it seems the marriage was likely to get his parents off his back. If you feel more like a sister to him, it would probably be less stress on your feelings to let him go. If sex is dull, and you're sexually-unresponsive (or a cold-fish) to his love-making; a man will feel like he's forcing you to have sex. While some don't care! If he has to, he will adapt to whatever cards he's dealt; or he will find a hobby, buy a boat (car, motorcycle) or cheat.
In this case, he wants a divorce to move to New York. In the midst of pandemic recovery; and a significant increase in hate-crimes and racism against Asians and pacific islanders.
If he has his immigration to the US all planned and in the works; I don't think he's leaving you much choice.
I hope he isn't leaving you at an economic disadvantage. If you offer him a divorce, the least he can do is see that you receive alimony; because you've grown accustomed to a comfortable lifestyle. Does his parents know about his plans? Do they like you? Unfortunately, sons often get a lot of latitude in eastern-culture; and aren't necessarily reprimanded by their parents for doing their wife's dirty.
If he must abandon you this way, I think he should see that you wouldn't need for anything. He should leave you financially-secure and comfortable. I wonder what the plan is, if things don't workout according to his expectations?
This truly melts the heart.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2021): Hi
Sorry that you feel shaken by this and that you believe there is some hope of saving the marriage. I would think by what you have said, he has tried to be at least honest/direct with you about how he feels or does not feel.
I have to be honest too, and think you should accept that you have a new chapter in your life to start, and hopefully a good chapter, but you need to let him go, the marriage is over ( in his eyes) but to remain close friends is quite special in it self and if you are able to both go your own separate ways things will unfold naturally.
He has told you his truth and it may hurt but it's up to you now to believe in better times ahead and new love.
I wish you well, let hi go.
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